i wanna be the one to walk in the sun

Sometimes I really think I should be living on my own.  While it is awesome to have someone to come home to and share things with, I think sometimes it is overrated.  Last night I was completely alone for the first time and honestly, it was lovely.  I think this might be a very good reason to have my own room wherever I live - a place to call my own.  I also think that if I ever had a boyfriend, a room of my own would be preferable.

I think I'm about to start on a very big, grand adventure - and like moving into this apartment - I'm a very unsure and scared.  I like to think that I'm brave and willing to take chances, but when it comes down to it I am a wuss who would rather hide in her apartment with Netflix.  I really hope that this adventure yield beautiful things; I have a better feeling about it because this time around I'll have a guide, but it is still that scary.  There are so many things to be scared of, but so many things that I can look forward to.  I think, even thought it hasn't worked in the past, I'm going to buy reminders.  Things I can look forward to; and not just one thing that will be the ultimate goal, but things to encourage me along the way.  While, right now, I want to do this, I'm so afraid that when push comes to shove I'll revert to my old ways.  In some ways I'm like an alcoholic - except with food.  I guess that's what I am: a foodaholic.  I've tried so many different things, none of them working.

While this time I am more comfortable with who I am as a person, I feel that I am still afraid to be who I am around my family.  I can't even admit how much I liked the guy who broke my heart - I didn't even fully admit to 'dating' him.  I think with my immediate family, it just wasn't something I was expected to do - it was more something I wasn't suppose to do.  While I'd rather just find that one person to make me happy and be done with everything, I know that dating would really help my serious lack of social skills and I'm sure I'm inability to act at least competent around someone I am attracted to.  I also think it is the fact that I'm waiting for the right person.

When asked what kind of guy I like, I can never give a straight answer, but I don't have one.  Maybe it was how I was raised, or just how I think, but I have never really like a particular body type, or an specific eye color, or a specific number of dimples.  Instead, I like people because of the things that make them who they are.  I think not being thin has made me look at people for who they are instead of just what they look like - it has made me accept people as they are instead of judging them because they dress like a thug, or they frizzy-all-over-the-place hair, or they dress like a slut, or they act like a whore, or they are really fat or really thin.  Yeah, I might make an initial judgement - every does, it's hardwired into us - but I am always open to change, I am always will to change my initial judgement because people aren't just what they look like.  We have enough things to worry about in life, why add in trying to be what everybody else wants you to be.  Instead, just be who you are and go from there.  If people who say they are your friend don't like it, then they really aren't your friend.

Alright, time to go and finish my massive paper writing.  While I always seem to wait until the last minute and stress out like mad, I really enjoy school.  I enjoy learning new things and then teaching/telling them to others. I really want to be done with school and just be teaching.  The problem is, I'm not sure if I'll be a good teacher.  I think my biggest fear about becoming a teacher is that I'll be a bad one; and I'd rather not teach at all then be a bad teacher.  Sometimes I'm tempted to just take a random office job and just be happy.  While I like to think I'm a unique person, I really just want an average life where things have a place and an order.  I just want to be able to not have to worry about paper writing anymore.  Hopefully I'll be done next year and on my way.  While I'm suppose to return to classes right after graduating, maybe I'll take a year and just work or something - see what real life is like for awhile.  Maybe make some friends.  Live life.  Until then, there will be mass paper writing and attempting to be productive.