But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go with it?

(from post secret)

(believe it or not, I use to think I wouldn't be able to survive if Gabe wasn't in my life.  And while it's not easy, I know know that I can do; it's not as difficult as I thought it would be.)

I have been messaging Gabe on and off since he decided that I wasn't meeting his expectations and I wasn't matching his speed, trying to get my friend back.  It was polite conversation starters, things to kind of ease our way back into being friends; but apparently that's not possible.

I never really understood why you cannot be friends with someone when the romantic stuff does not go where you thought it would.  I figured that if it's someone that you randomly meet and are only with for a short time, then it's up to those involved; but if you have known this person for quite a length of time, where quite involved with each other's lives, had a major history - how do you just walk away from that?  How do you just decide that because the romantic aspect didn't work out that you have to cut that person out of your life completely?

I'm sure that someone somewhere is screaming at the screen all the reasons why someone would just make a clean break and walk away, but they just don't seem rational or real to me.  Then again, being the person I am, I can figure out the rational for it.

Well then maybe it's just my situation, maybe it's just Gabe.  Maybe I just cannot stand to loose another person who I have cared deeply about for years; maybe I refuse to let another good person walk out of my life because they think I'm not good enough - I am.  Sure it might not be the way they wanted or thought, but I am good enough.

Many might make the argument that being around a former romantic interest might/could/would/is awkward, I saw: it's only as awkward as you both make it.  Sure, initially, it might be a little odd, but if the friendship is truly worth it everything will fall into place.  It will work out.

While there are times where a person really should just throw in the towel and call it  day, this is one of those things that I don't think is over.  Sure it didn't work out, it didn't have the right fit; but that just means that it's time to try something different.  I know we can't go back to how things were - I wouldn't want to anyway, that would be anti-progress.  That would be a waste.  Why can't we just go forward?  Sure it might be awkward at first, but words on a screen might help relieve that.  A simple conversation about some former Brown Coat rebels might just give us that possibility.  Instead you act like a pretentious smart ass.

One day I hope Gabe realizes that he's personally destroying what could be a fantastic friendship because he's to pig-headed.  Or maybe he's scared.  I just don't know; but I do know that soon I'm going to have an epiphany and I am going to go forward and never look back.  While that might sound all self-assured, impowered, confident, whatever, it's not - it's what I am going to tell myself so that I can protect my poor heart from someone else I decided to let in because I thought they would take care of my heart - not destroy it a little more.

(Taken from SF-1)

I think for the most part, this perfectly described how I use to feel about Gabe, and I think I still do, because I still consider him my friend.  Sure, now there is a depth that really wasn't there before, but he's still someone whose opinion I value, he's someone I care about, he's someone who I believe can see through me when no one else can (even if he cannot see the real me sometimes).  I miss him.  I hope he decides that this friendship is worth the risk, worth the initial awkwardness, worth keeping, worth fighting for. At the end of the day, I'm still left with this irrational (and silly) hope; but it's better than nothing...

I still would rather have him in my life than out of it....

go on and try to tear me down

If you really think about it, nothing good can come of five words strung together:
it's not you, it's me
it's not gonna work out
i don't love you anymore
i can't do this anymore
there's nothing we can do
we've tried everything, I'm sorry
it spread to the bones

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I have a problem: when things get too hard, I just stop.  I would say I quit, but that requires actions; what I do is literally cease all action, stop advancing.  I make myself as stationary as possible.  I cease to be.

what's worse: I make it so that no one will notice - and those who do, I pull away from.  I cannot stand to have people see me for the failure that I actually am, even though I wish someone would notice.  It's a strange, terrible, awful, vicious circle of emotions.

then, just when I think it cannot get worse, the universe decides to throw one more crazy ass curve ball my way.  And because of this goddamn curve ball, i haven't slept properly for almost a week.  I haven't not cried myself to sleep every night. I haven't not felt this feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.

what's worse, is the second person I wanted to talk to after this terrible news (after Sophia of course) was Gabe...who is currently not talking to me - and I have not clue as to why.  I miss my friend, but I have finally reached that point where i realized that not only did he treat me like shit, but he lied to me.  He swore he would always be my friend first and foremost.  To use Lizzy's words: some friend he is. He leaves the state in just over a month and after two months of pretty much not communications it's quite clear that he has no desire in maintaining our friendship if anyway, shape or form.

(*stolen from SF-1* it just fit my frame of mind for so many things)

it hurts so bad, but i have to adopt elle and sophia's attitude of not caring about those who could careless about me.  And while I am incapable of FULLY adopting this, I must try to in some way because one can only deal with so much heartbreak at a time.
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Lately, I find myself thinking this a lot...
I find that I never really thought about getting married, but that he might be there to walk me down the aisle.
I find that I have no idea if I want to have kids or not, but he might not be there to see his grandkids.
I find that a lot of things I never put much stock into (mostly because, "I got time") I am not thinking a lot about.  I find that I'm finding out a lot about what I truly want from life that I never really knew I wanted.

I have also found that I can be a strong, brave person outside my room.....but once I close the door and turn off the lights, the tears and the feelings of hopelessness, depression, inadequacy, and other sad-faced emotions come on in, uninvited.

and then it hits me:sometimes the limits of my own selfishness seems to know NO bounds:/