Take those dreams and make them all come true....

While I might not be a cutter, The Butterfly Project has had a DEEP impact on me recently.



I was on this website called six billion secrets and there is so much hurt, pain, &c in so many people so young; I sit here reading some of their secrets, and I just cry and my heart breaks (one of the biggest reason - because I feel like so many of them could be mine..).  It was not until I was about a hundred or so pages in when The Butterfly Project was mentioned; so being ever the curious person, I went in search of more information.

And did I find it...

THE RULES:

1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand. 

2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.

3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.

4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you've killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.

5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.

6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.

7. Even if you don't cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help. =]

It was at this point that I realized that this idea didn't just relate to cutting - it related to so much more.  It is the basic idea that when you need that bit of inspiration, that little voice to remind you that 'this too shall pass' you draw a butterfly.  While most people will put names with their butterflies, I have noticed  a few who will put messages or words of encouragement.
FAITH
HOPE
BELIEVE
SURVIVOR
STAY STRONG
DON'T KILL THE BUTTERFLY
LIVE*LOVE*LAUGH*LIFE
::HOW MANY WEEKS SINCE THEY LAST CUT::
FOR ALL OF YOU

It's mind boggling to think about how many people actually cut themselves, cause harm to themselves, to escape from reality, to have that bit of control.  I think sometimes it seems like the world is slipping out from under you and you completely lose all control - you have to do something.


It is unfortunate and awful that stuff like this happens, but I think that the fact that there are things like The Butterfly Project, that there are support groups, that there are people surviving this is a sign of HOPE.  This too shall pass; this will get better; life might really suck right now, but you WILL get through it and move forward and be stronger because of it.

Now the point of this: I have joined the ranks of the butterfliers.  Whenever I feel sad or discouraged or like giving up, I will draw a butterfly somewhere on me.  I hope to one day have my own permanent butterfly to remind myself of the journey that I am embarking (have been embarking) on; but for now it will merely be ink.  They will be there for me, they will serve their purpose and then fade away; and hopefully as each one fades it will not be replaced so readily.

As I get ready to start this new chapter of my life, I am going in with eyes wide open, taking charge, and proving that with the right motivation and determination and will power, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

And when I couldn't sleep at night

Scared things wouldn't turn out right

You would hold my hand and sing to me

while you may not sing to me, you talk me through things; you give me the confidence and motivation to know that i CAN in fact do this - and I will be eternally grateful because of it ::hearts::

Life's not the breaths you take

But the moments that take your breath away

How do you live life when you're constantly afriad?  Afraid of change?  Afraid of missing out?  How do you get through the days?  Sure, breathing is a good first step, but eventually that can lead to hyperventalating (which is bad; so I'm told).

How can you live in reality when you're always stuck in a fantastical world?

the stakes are high, the water's rough...

After a very long, very important conversation with Gabe last night, I realized that a few things needed to change so that I will actually succeed.  I started out simple - small things like putting inspirational messages on my mirror and changing my blog - and I will work up towards the bigger things.

While Gabe issued me a challenge, and I know he is already working on a challenge of his own, I plan to also keep him accountable.  I will work on my stuff and blow him away with how fantastic I will be, but he will have to do the same.  I am not sure if I am going to let him in on this personal things of mine; but then again, if he still reads this, he'll know.  Maybe that's what it will be - written here and simply put into practice.

Last night I started to shape my plan, I cannot wait for it to start, but I have given myself until 04 April to get everything in order and officially start.  From then on, it will be all me; although I might enlist Jo's help - that's what roomies are for, right??

I realize that this is all very vague, but I am not entirely sure how much of this I want to put into to words - especially so early on.  I might simply make a note of it and then when the time is right, put it here.  That part is kind of up in the air; but I am sure of one thing right now: I have found my motivation, I just need to get going - get started.

[EDIT] 05/02: Elle is right...I'm a great planner, but I have no follow through.  I guess it's kinda hard to have follow through when you can no longer comprehend why you started in the first place...

fuckin' perfect

I wish you knew that all the questions I ask mean that I'm getting ready to take the leap - but I guess it's too late; I've missed the last plane.  I might loose one of my bestest friends, but i've decided it's worth it; that if she really loves me like she says she does, she'll still be there if I need her.

You issue me challenges and then you back down.

I come out and tell you exactly what I've been trying to tell you.
Then it's over...

The bungy chord snaps and i'm headed straight towards a dry river bed with no way of stopping.

Just loverly.

Gather up your tears; keep them in your pocket

Sometimes I wish I had an eating disorder that made me skinny instead of fat.  Sometimes I wish I had the commitment to cut myself.  Sometimes I wish I could just pop a few pills and be happy.

While most people will never put anything like that out there I will, because I know it will never happen.  And it might seem foolish or stupid to say that but I know it's the truth.  You know why?  Because I am too lazy and I really don't care enough.

I love food to much to not eat and I'm too frugal to buy and eat food just to throw it up.  I don't have a need to release pain or inflict pain on myself.  I have no desire to pop pills every day - I can barely remember to take my vitamins (I only do now because they are fruit snack/gummy vitamins).

I guess that is my down fall, I love food, I seek solace in it, and I am just drifting through life.  I have no plans, no next step, no goals.  I'm just focusing on graduating and after that, well, I have no idea.  I guess a part of me just figures that whatever is meant to be will happen by then.  I think I have far too much faith in the universe; or I PUT far too much fate in the universe.

If I were to really sit down and think about it, I think I would come to one of two conclusions.  One, nothing has every really been expected of me - my dad was surprised that I graduated high school! - so I never really try; I just kind of coast through life.  Two, I have been in school so long I am ready for a break; sure most people I know take a few years off to earn money to go back to school to reach their end goal, but I think I might like to just work for a bit and see how that goes for me; then maybe reevaluate.  I think that whatever I am meant to do for the rest of my life will come to me by then,  I really am putting too much faith in the universe...

I guess since this blog has taken on a confession sort of style, I might as well finish it out with a few more.  I have recently realized that most of the things I appear to be are false: I am in fact not a very good friend (so to speak), I am quite selfish, I spend WAY too much time talking about myself, I complain a lot (and also forget to mention the good and positive things).  I wish I could be a better person, a better friend, someone who people would be proud to call their friend (or just someone they could call to talk to &c).

That's enough self loathing and self hating for tonight....although I foresee a few more in the future, unfortunately.  beh

My heart says "no", my lips say "fine"

me: hello floor
floor: **leaves suddenly**
me: le shit! **starts falling through space**

le crap

it's all uncharted

I haven't slept in almost 30 hours because I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid of having dreams that feel so damn real that I have to seriously think about which was a dream and which is reality. I am afraid that I am setting myself up for a big ass crash landing.

The Boy tells me really sweet, amazing, lovely things that no one has ever said to me before. The Boy who has only slept 12 hours over three days stays up far too late just to chat with me. The Boy calls me to talk about nothing because he wants to hear my voice. The Boy then drops off the face of the earth and I don' t want to come off as crazy or clingy.

 I need to talk to The Boy; I need to talk to him to calm down so I can just sleep. I need The Boy so much that it physically hurts me. I need The Boy to come on line to talk to me, to make it alright.

 And sure, I readily admit that it is not all entirely on The Boy; I am the one keeping this a secret from Elle. I am the one telling The Boy that we have to keep our whatever we have on the down low until I move in with Jo. I am the one telling him that I am not ready. When really, all I want is for him to put his arms back around me, pull me close and kiss me with the same voraciousness as owen has for christina (yes I did in fact just use a Grey's Anatomy reference). I want someone who will ask me to meet him at some random place after my last class and then take me to the ocean just to watch the waves.

I know that we are both leading busy, full, confusing lives right now but, right now, I need The Boy to talk to me before I go to sleep. I need The Boy to come by and tell me he's outside. I want this The Boy more than I have wanted anything; and he has disappeared.

Or maybe it's merely the sleep depredation, maybe i just need to sleep on it, reassess in the morning. or maybe I should just put on my big girl pants and call him.

yeah, bed it is :/

I hate being this needy, clingy girl; especially when I know that it could very well be that he is assisting his family - to which I would feel quite stupid.

Then again, it only takes seconds to send back a text message.

I am going to bed; hopefully there will be no dreams - although I am not holding my breath.

gravity

I'm starting to hate this person I'm becoming...but I don't know how to be any different. And what's worse: I don't know if I want to. I wish I didn't have so much time alone to think; it's gut wrenchingly annoying and bothersome.

Six billion secrets

I have been in a lot of pain lately.
Doctors think it might be ovarian cancer.
God. If your going to give me cancer, just please cure a child from cancer.
I'll take their place. I'm strong enough to make it.

Mar 20, 2011 @ 11:00 am by Rkay – Hope

when i read this, i immediately burst into tears.  not because of how selfless this person is acting (they are); not because my dad (and so many of my family members) have had cancer.  but because i am afraid that there might seriously be something wrong with me and i would hate for my life to end just as it's really, truly beginning. (and i realize that is a very selfish thing to say after reading this, but it's the truth - and i had to put it SOMEWHERE)... 

have you noticed I lose my focus, and the world around me disappears

It's times like tonight where I wonder why am i just now experiencing life? And while  I am reveling in everything, a part of me cannot help but wonder why now?  Or even more so, why right now?  Why not a few months ago? why not in a few weeks?  And then i think about how perfectly timed this all seems to be and I just smile.

I also wish that little voice in my head would shut the hell up and let me just be happy.  It is like it cannot have me just be happy.  Maybe I can change it's mind, show it that this IS a good thing....until then, sleep.  After 'playing' for most of the night, I have to wake up early and try and be productive.  (i'm not holding my breahth, unfortunately).

don't cry for me argentina

Sometimes I wonder if I am getting in over my head. Taking on too much. Taken one step too many onto a very unstable bridge. I guess I'll know soon enough....

ain't misbehavin'

The first step has been taken, the leaving of Elle has commenced.  The moving in with Jo has officially started.  There are now 21 days left before Jo and I can occupy our new place and begin home-ifying it; and 25 days until I completely move out of what will now be Elle's apartment.  I am very much excited about this, but at the same time a part of me is scared.  A part of me is yelling at another part of me WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! and the other part is yelling back GROWING UP!! FINALLY!!

There have been so many changes recently, so many new things and first times.  I wish I had the time and insight to be able to write about it all now, but I have a few over due assignments to finish up before I can go home, so I will leave it at this today.  I hate that I usually only write when I have something to complain about, so I am trying to also write about the good stuff - but I tend to get so caught up in it that I forget.  Who knows, I might write some of my new story here, if nothing else, it will be a place to store it.

Alright, back to homework.  And if I am lucky, a chat with Gabe - but he has not been on all night, so I am not going to hold my breath.

Could I really do a day-to-day blog?  Well, I guess only time will tell.

Seriously, homework.  (with a little help from my Cole Porter Pandora station (:  )

you found me

Elle hates me.  she says it's only for right now, so she can distance herself - so it doesn't hurt when i leave.  but it will hurt.  it will hurt her and it will hurt me.  she has been the person i've shared so much with over the last almost 21 years.  she has been the person that i've lived with continuously since the day she was born.

i wonder if she realizes how difficult this is for me too?  if she even stops to think about how much change this is?    Yeah, sure, i have someone who WANTS to live with me, but that took work.  It was not one of those things that just kind of happened or that I put an ad out for.  it took time, effort, energy, money, work, and love (and a quite a few moments of sharing intimacies that only a few know - some that only ourselves know).

we are trying to get her a place first - it's not like i am just going to leave her all by her lonesome.  it's not like i'm just going to leave her all of a sudden.  this WILL be a progression (even though Jo needs to get out of her house asap).  i wish, above all things, that we could find her some roommates that she could really thrive with; but i would settle for living one building over from her.

i hate this.  i hate this.  i hate this.

and then, as if that is not enough, i have other stuff i'm trying to work through.  i think i liked living in my i-refuse-to-actually-grow-up bubble; where i could still be an adolescent.  where i didn't have to look past the surface of anything.  where i could just drift through life.

but that was the problem in the first place, wasn't it?  a vicious circle life is...

when I forget how to breathe

can't seem to concentrate lately.  It's like I know that I need to actually complete my assignments, but i keep thinking about what-ifs and could-bes.  While it's fantastically lovely to have all these day dreams, it's seriously hurting my resolve to do well this semester.  Sometimes I just wish I could take a break from my life (and vacation if you will) and just concentrate on school and living.

I can't wait until this part of my life can be checked off my to do list. That said, I kind of don't (and maybe that's why it's taken me so long to get this far) because I don't really know what I want to do next.  I honestly have no plans past graduation.  I wish I was called to something so strongly that I couldn't imagine doing anything else - something that gave me the drive to move forward, full steam ahead, which no reservations.  I wish I could stop wishing for things and just do them.

I think the first step, unfortunately, is to not live with Elle anymore.  It breaks my heart, but I think I need someone that I can be myself around and NOT have to worry about her judging me or whatever.

I also think the shuffle on my iPod is trying to tell me something.....I think I'm just going to continue to play ignorant for now - I can't deal with anymore thinking right now.  It hurts too much.

you closed your eyes and said goodbye to all of those who loved you

Well, I'm too tired to fight it out this time

I wish I never started so I didnt have to quit
I wish I didn't let you make me feel like this
It's how it's gotta be, is what you're telling me

 I am physically unable to hold on to a grudge for more than a few days - the only exception with when I see whomever I am holding said grudge against and feelings are again stirred, but his is quite rare and has only happened a few times.  Most of the time I just get really mad, then I realize that life is to short to stay angry over stupid stuff (which, in the scheme of things, is usually the case).  Plus, it takes so much energy to be so angry at one person, it takes a toll on your body and your state of being.

The only thing that I can think of that is worse than anger like this is the heartbreak that could follow is the anger is held on to.  The heartbreak that comes from losing someone one who you thought would always be there for you, no matter what; but after a few bad words, bruised feelings, and many days filled with major chest pains, they simply are not that person anymore.  Even worse, this is also a time where you need them more than ever before.  You need someone to be there for you, someone who understands what you are dealing with, someone to talk to so you do not break down at work or walking to class.

Instead, you are left with this giant hole in your chest and constantly repeating 'deep breath in, deep breath out, deep breath in, deep breath out, you CANNOT do this here, not now, deep breath in, deep breath out'. your only goal for each day is simply to make it through alright.  you do not think about anything further than a week away - if even that.  you take life day by day.  and what's worse: you don't have that friend around to support you.  sure there are other people, but they are not the people you need for this.  they are more for girl talk, or complaining, or discussing certain live moves, or writing with, or just hanging out with; sure they can be there for you if you asked them, but this other friend wouldn't have needed to be asked.

But it does not matter anymore, because after a few bad words, bruised feelings, and many days filled with major chest pains you seem to have said the wrong thing; or they just were not willing to fight for you.  or it could have been they were never as good a friend to you as you had always thought.  it is almost like life kicked you in the shins, pulled your hair, and stole your money, and then, just as you were finally able to stand again, it pushed you in the mud - just for shits and giggles.  just because it could.  just 'cause.

And sure, some days are better than others; but it's those days were life decides to put red ants in the mud that really take their toll.  and normally you would have this friend to stop life from pushing you down, or at least the mud would be grass, but now it is just you.  trying, desperately to make it through.  and then, just when you think 'hey, i think i might just make it' you find out it was your friend who gave life the idea about the red ants.  and then the two steps you took forward and become obsolete and you are five steps back.

and while it will probably never stop hurting, and everyone will tell you to just leave it be and walk away, you cannot.  because it is not you; it is not how you do things.  so you tread cautiously, carry a tube of cortizone in your bag, and hope that will be enough; and if it is worse, you just do your best to deal, because there is nothing else you can do.  you breathe, you pulse, you regenerate, your heart beats, your mind creates, your soul ingests, and you try to make it through the next 37 seconds the best you can.