if you have made it here, you have stumbled upon the thoughts, writings, and random musings of a girl who is unsure of almost everything in life except one thing: the greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love and be so loved in return.
(and who is also known to make a spelling/word error or two)
for the last new nights i dreamed, the reality questioning kind of dreams. but then you were there, it's like you knew i needed you to be there to hold me. to let me feel safe. you were there for me.
then i woke up, and you were gone. but i guess if you can be there for me in my dreams, that is all i can ask for - because at least you are with me...
I wore a cross today. For the first time in a few years, I wore a cross.
People who pass by me probably think I am just professing my faith. Showing the world that I believe in god. Letting people make certain assumptions about me.
And they would be wrong - for the most part.
I am going through what some people might call a crisis of faith. I use to have such a devout belief, this unwavering faith. In a way, I guess I still do - it's just different. I still believe in grace, I still have faith, I still have hope, I still have beliefs, they are just different.
Sometimes I wish I could somehow have that unwavering faith again, that unquestioning belief in something. I wish I could be that person I was so many years ago; the little 9 year old girl who asked her parents if we could go to church because I wanted to. Not this jaded 20 something who wants so bad to believe but feels like that would make me a hypocrite; not this weary and worn 20 something who has seen what church can do to people, how people who are suppose to be 'christian' (whatever that means) can lie, steal, cheat, and harm other people. Sure, there are people all over the world who are saying that their religion is better than everyone else's, who are protesting funerals, who are putting so much HATE out into a world that is already full of it. That's not what I'm talking about, that has no real impact on me because I don't know them. I talking about the people from my church, the people I chose to surround myself with - those people. The people who betrayed my trust, who hurt people for their own personal gain, who were just awful human beings all the while wearing their cross necklaces, carrying their bibles, singing their hymns, and telling people that they would pray for them/keep them in their prayers.
I am the kind of person who will hold onto hope, who will look for the best in people always; but for some reason I just cannot seem to do this. I have lost something that I use to feel was so dear to me; and sure, I still believe some of the same things but it's just in the universe - not in a single thing anymore. And I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it. I cannot put my full trust and heart into something like this no matter how much I want to - it's an internal war.
And I'm losing...
(and I wore the cross because of where it came from, the things it reminds me of, the people it reminds me of, the person I was and might one day be again....)
i love spanish music...everything about it. there are a few songs that i listen to when i'm happy/in a good mood, but most of the time i listen to it when i'm sad. there is something about the spanish language that expresses feelings in ways that the english language can only dream of....
cuando el dia termina en silencio
a mi almohada le cuento el dolor
que mis lagrimas llevan por dentro
como espejo reflejan mi voz
because i was afraid of this, i was afraid that you would say exactly what you said. i was afraid that it would be over before it ever really had a chance to start. i was afraid that all this trying was for nothing...that no matter how much i tried to fix the problem, it wouldn't matter because i would tell you and that would be it.
and it seems that is exactly what happened. game over. i lose. again.
I didn't realize how big a part of my life you are until right this minute....when I stumbled upon something completely unbeknownst to me (and shouldn't be that big a deal..... but kinda is). Huff N Puff :/
