just some food for thought....

"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble on it's own." ~ Matt. 6:24

As I've said before, I'm not really a religious person, but I really like this one - it's a good reminder to take things one day at a time; not matter how bad things seem, tomorrow is another day.

"Love never gives up... and it's in the midst of pain, of sacrifice, where we get the opportunity to choose the difference...."

never give up.  never surrender.  if there is even a mustard seed size of hope, hold on to it and NEVER let it go.

=--=--=--=--=
today started out so well....then reality set it soon after I started work and just kind of went down hill from there.  Although, I'm hoping that it's still early enough in the day for things to turn around.

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing....You're fuckin' perfect to me

P!nk - Fuckin Perfect - Official Music Video found on Pop

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRMz8fKkG2g

feels like six years all over again....I hope this doesn't end the same way.

(and no i didn't put the link in the wrong spot, it's there for a reason)

"music is something that will speak for you when you feel like you have lost your voice" ~me

Between the lines of fear and blame...

Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life






I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought
It was gonna end that way
People are people
And sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go
After all this time

Music starts playin'
Like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending
You don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy
And it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be
Without you around

And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to

Never wanted this
Never wanna see you hurt
Every little bump in the road
I tried to swerve
But people are people
And sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say
Is gonna save us from the fallout

And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to

It's 2 AM
Feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy
Easy for me
It's 2 AM
Feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy
Easy for me

And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to
Breathe without you
But I have to

Sorry, sorry
Sorry, sorry
Sorry, sorry
Sorry 

you're the one that rules your world

 I think music is one of the greatest things in the entire world - aside from nutella, netflix, people-less places, and sunrises/sets at the beach - it not only gives people a way to connect to other people, but it helps us express things we cannot put in words.
Pearl is a song I was immediately drawn to when listening to KP's Teenage Dream CD; while I realize it's a generally sad and depressing song, I take that and use it to keep me up.  I use it to help me see that no matter what, you gotta keep that "pearl" shining for the world to see....ya gotta be that firework. :} Be unstoppable!
==~~==~~==~~==

She is a pyramid
But with him she's just a grain of sand
This loves too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane
But now she's just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a statue of liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh she used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they never ever met
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh She used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a

Do you know that there’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Be held down

Cause I used to be a shell...
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world Ohhh yeah

But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And No one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell No
You’re the one that rules your world Ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable

fear is the heart of love (so i never went back)

I feel like there is a giant whole in my chest....and no matter how much I pretend, or try, I cannot fill it back up.  This is far too much to deal with right now - this is suppose to be a break, not a let's-see-how-much-heart-break-you-can-take-without-self-destructing.
I think I need a vacation.  Unfortunately, I don't have time - literally and figuratively.  I miss being a kid and only having to worry about whether or not there was a fruit-by-the-food in your lunch or not.  Not serious health issues, death, depression, heart break, sadness, feeling so alone you can't stand it.  What's worse: not being able to do anything but cry - because that's the only way to release it, to purge it from your body long enough to get through the rest of the day.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
(and hope no figures it out....or asks you if everything is alright.  because it's clearly not.)

say anything

Been here before, revolving door
We're caught up and I don't know what for anymore
We had the best, and nothing less.
But the second we fell out of step, you up and left
Well this is so you, this is what you do,
You'd rather make do than make a move
What'll it take now, how do I make this matter enough to you

Say you're a mess, Say it's a shame,
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please

What happened to the plans we made,
and that contagious smile on your face? It's all begun to fade.
You used to be so careful with me,
Making sure that we would always be, each others' missing piece
We could still save these tattered pages, what do you say we start over baby?
This our chance, you're all I have.
Don't let me slip through your hands.

Say you're a mess, Say it's a shame,
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please

You know I miss you,
You know I wish you missed me too,
Oh baby tell me you do

Say you're a mess, Say it's a shame,
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

I really don't understand why someone would send an email, that doesn't include me in any way, to me and then, when I didn't respond back to it, they sent me the program.  I DON'T WANT IT! I DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
I'm tired of feeling like a hypocrite, like a liar, like a horrible person for saying words I myself do not really believe in.  Sure some the of the literal words are pretty and amazing, but after so much hate, distrust, and misuse I cannot seem to bring myself to say these words of my own volition.  I wish I did not have to deal with these existential issues or their religious undertones.  I really have enough to think about right now.  Sometimes I wish I could be back in the fourth grade and wanting, begging to go to church.  But, unfortunately, I cannot go back in time.  I cannot undo the hurt, the ugly, the HATE that has been done.  I cannot unremember things.  I cannot believe like I once did.
I think I will always love the idea, the concepts, and some of the literal words, but for right now, I cannot believe in the thing.  I cannot bring myself to - and I'm not entirely sure why.  I know that for the longest time I still believed - even after everything negative - but as of a few months ago, I just did not.
I know that there are many great religious leaders who question - question if god is real?  if what religion means is real? if any of it is real - and, oddly enough, few people realize it.  They don't usually see the papers that Mother Teresa published questioning her faith, or the ones that the various Popes have published....they just see the good works.  Sometimes I think that's all it should be about; but sadly it's not the truth.
So instead, I will continue to go to church when my dad asks me to, I will continue to say nightly prayers with him, I will politely thank people who tell me they will keep my dad in their prayers - because it's the right thing to do.  But, more importantly, it's for them.  I think a belief like this helps my dad better comprehend and deal with the fact that he is dying, it think that it helps him to know that I care about him, I think it helps others to know that they are, in some way, doing something.  And I really, truly, envy those who have such a devout belief - I wish I could, more than anyone can ever know. 
I think religion is something that is meant to assist people who  are lacking/missing something; it is a tool for them to better understand it.  While I'm sure that statement alone will offend many people (especially some of my friends in the ministry - or heading that way), it is not meant to; it is merely my personal view.  I use to be like that, I use to use it to explain things I did not understand or comprehend.  And I still believe in grace and miracles and people doing things for no other reason than it is the right thing to do - and I get tingles every time I get to witness any of these - I find that I cannot lie anymore.  Even just putting it out into the interwebs, I feel a weight lifted - a small one, but a weight nonetheless.


::love::

try to understand why

*note: if a word looks like it should have a "w" and doesn't, please just mentally add one - my "w" key keeps sticking and i don't always catch it*

sometimes life hands you a fist full of what was in it's pocket and then tells you to do something brilliant and smart with it. well today i was handed to fist fulls, and i think i handled it with decorum, or at least i hope i did.  i guess, in a way, this is my fault in that in life i rarely look past the surface of things - not usually giving it more thought that i think it requires to merely get through.  i think this might have been a wake up call to open my eyes.

here's to another late night, and another full day.  hopefully i can make it through with grace and dignity, and not kill anyone.  i hope that i haven't royally messed things up - because i don't know if i could take it if i have.  i think life loves to throw curve balls when it's the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, full count and the team at bat is down by three - just to see how you'll handle it.  so i'm going to warm up and give it a go - i fail, i'll be sad, but in a few days there will be another game.  just gotta keep breathing...

now that the weight has lifted

It's strange, the range of emotions I go through when talking with Gabe.  He very nearly sent me spiraling into the deepest depths (not entirely him, though; I played my own part); but then he gave me a proposition and brought me right back.  This is one of the most emotional friendships I think I've ever had, and I love it.  It makes me evaluate myself as a member of the human race as well as a woman.  It makes me not only realize all the things I try not to think of, but would rather not; and then confront them - either completely or briefly.

The really odd (and possible sadistic) thing, no matter how angry, upset, pissed off, depressed, &c I feel, I'm so glad that I as given this friendship - it is one of those life altering, soul shaking miracles that one hopes lasts forever but if it doesn't, well, at least it happened.

Sometimes I wish I could just come out and say what I'm thinking, but then my brain and my heart get in the way and I just end up all kinds of confused.  Today, I'm blaming it on being a girl.  And, more importantly, leaving it at that.

So it's a few hours later, but time to get on that tidying - mainly because Elle is coming home at some point tonight and I don't want to deal with that fight (of not having done anything productive all weekend).  So I'm going to put on some Train, turn on some lights, grab a few trash bags, and accomplish something.  I will be a productive member of this apartment - well, today anyway.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side; I promise to sing to you when all the music dies"

So maybe I'm a masochist 

I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave 

til the walls are goin' up 

in smoke with all our memories 

communication is key....

"you don't LOSE your virginity, you SHARE it" ~kicesie

these walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down....

A few weeks ago I found myself restless, unable to fall asleep; I just could not seem to turn my mind off.  So, instead of just laying there, I got my phone out and wrote 10 resolution for the new year...and find out that there were more than 10 things I wanted to change, so I kept writing - I'm currently at 21.  I mean to post my list on 01 Jan, but I just wasn't feeling it; and then I just kept putting it off.  Now, I think it's time to put these changes and alterations out into the interwebs and see if that helps them come true (and maybe will help me work that much harder, ho knows).

10 Things I Want to Accomplish by 31 December 2011 (plus a few other goals)
1. No longer have a  3 in front of weight
2. Go on a vacation with a non-family member
3. Dance in the rain (like Taylor Swift dances)
4. Go to a bar/club
5. Read all the books on the 100 books to read list from facebook
6. Have people over at least once a month
7. Write something at least every week
8. Run up and down all the stairs of the MacIntosh building without dying
9. Keep my apartment clean
10. Express my emotions to people - if I'm mad at them, tell them &c
11. Watch Sex and the City in it's entirety and finish the book (just need to do the last part on this one...)
12. Run through Central Park
13. Fall in love
14. Have someone kiss me and mean it
15. Donate a cap or three to Knots of Love
16. Buy a pair of rain boots (for brilliant puddle splashing fun)
17. Donate hair to Locks of Love
18. Learn how to wear make up
19. Go out dancing
20. Stay out all night adventuring
21. Make my dad really, truly laugh


There it is, my life aspirations - for now.  And sure, there are other things I want to do, but these are the ones that are the most important and meaningful.  I hope that I can actually accomplish the first ten, that would make my life.

Time to take the first step, to get out of bed, to get moving....and to clean up in my apartment.




~<3~

(couldn't decide which to link to, so I figured I'd link to one and post the other...)