Your faith was strong but you needed proof

I really don't understand why someone would send an email, that doesn't include me in any way, to me and then, when I didn't respond back to it, they sent me the program.  I DON'T WANT IT! I DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
I'm tired of feeling like a hypocrite, like a liar, like a horrible person for saying words I myself do not really believe in.  Sure some the of the literal words are pretty and amazing, but after so much hate, distrust, and misuse I cannot seem to bring myself to say these words of my own volition.  I wish I did not have to deal with these existential issues or their religious undertones.  I really have enough to think about right now.  Sometimes I wish I could be back in the fourth grade and wanting, begging to go to church.  But, unfortunately, I cannot go back in time.  I cannot undo the hurt, the ugly, the HATE that has been done.  I cannot unremember things.  I cannot believe like I once did.
I think I will always love the idea, the concepts, and some of the literal words, but for right now, I cannot believe in the thing.  I cannot bring myself to - and I'm not entirely sure why.  I know that for the longest time I still believed - even after everything negative - but as of a few months ago, I just did not.
I know that there are many great religious leaders who question - question if god is real?  if what religion means is real? if any of it is real - and, oddly enough, few people realize it.  They don't usually see the papers that Mother Teresa published questioning her faith, or the ones that the various Popes have published....they just see the good works.  Sometimes I think that's all it should be about; but sadly it's not the truth.
So instead, I will continue to go to church when my dad asks me to, I will continue to say nightly prayers with him, I will politely thank people who tell me they will keep my dad in their prayers - because it's the right thing to do.  But, more importantly, it's for them.  I think a belief like this helps my dad better comprehend and deal with the fact that he is dying, it think that it helps him to know that I care about him, I think it helps others to know that they are, in some way, doing something.  And I really, truly, envy those who have such a devout belief - I wish I could, more than anyone can ever know. 
I think religion is something that is meant to assist people who  are lacking/missing something; it is a tool for them to better understand it.  While I'm sure that statement alone will offend many people (especially some of my friends in the ministry - or heading that way), it is not meant to; it is merely my personal view.  I use to be like that, I use to use it to explain things I did not understand or comprehend.  And I still believe in grace and miracles and people doing things for no other reason than it is the right thing to do - and I get tingles every time I get to witness any of these - I find that I cannot lie anymore.  Even just putting it out into the interwebs, I feel a weight lifted - a small one, but a weight nonetheless.


::love::