Playing God

I want so bad to believe whole heartedly in God.  I did once, but now it just feels so fake.  I'm not saying that God is fake, I'm just saying that if I were to say 'I'll pray for you' I'm being fake because most likely I'll forget to pray for you - and usually when did I pray it's to ask for strength and guidance when times are difficult or in gratitude of getting through the day &c.

Until I figure out where I'm going to go, I will continue to tell people they will be in my thoughts and in my heart.  I will continue to believe in God's grace (which I truly believe is the greatest thing in the world) and I will continue to be amazed when fantastical things happen to those I love and care about.  I will continue to respect all religions as long as they make the person believing in them truly happy.  I will continue to be me, just still questioning, wondering, pontificating.  I hope one day I can believe as devoutly as some of the people I know, to put my complete trust in a single entity and know that if it's meant to be it will be.  I hope one day to be like Job.

Forget You

I use to think Stephanie was a nice person, a decent person.  Sure, she is a little too self involved than is really necessary.  Yeah, she does think she is the greatest thing the universe has ever seen.  I will admit, she does act like she is the next super genius.  Alright, she does pretend that only 'Indie' stuff matters/is acceptable.  Ok, yeah, Stephanie is a huge bitch, but at least she almost treated me like a human being; she would listen to what I had to say.  Then, for some unknown reason Stephanie started just BLATANTLY ignoring me.
Now, if Stephanie were merely a friend or acquittance, that would be whatever - I would find other people to spend my time with.  Unfortunately, Stephanie is a co-worker; which means have have to get along with her in some respect to be able to do my job.  The even shittier thing is that she has paired up with Monica (who use to be a good person) and they seem to make it their goal to completely freeze me out.
Again, if this were not work, I would just walk away and not give it a second thought; but it is work and cohabitation and getting along is vital.
I should mention that this is not completely unwarranted, just to be fair.  I did post on facebook five months ago that "I work with horrible people" because I was injured and they were having me do the more strenuous job and thus making it worse.  I did not think much of it until I realized, right before school started, that Stephanie was being more of a bitch than usual and Monica was just being a bitch.  I asked around the office and, after having to involve my boss, found out that it was because of that facebook post.  While it was not my brightest moment (posting what I did), nobody said anything to be prior - or after, like I said, I found out through my boss.  I then decided to take the high road and apologize - even though I was not the only person at fault.  It has not gotten better since.  In fact, it's gotten a bit worse.  Sure they talk to me, but that's only when they absolutely have to.  I have tried many times to mend the bridges, but to no avail.  They now have moved on to talking like I am not even in the room. (On a somewhat related matter, if this is how people act when they graduate college - stupid, pithy, bitchy, and all around horrid - I'm not sure I WANT to graduate!!)
I have since washed my hands of being the 'bigger person' and trying to make things better.  If they want to fix it, it is now on them.  I am not holding my breath.
The only hope I am clinging to at the moment is the fact that Monica might be getting another job (seeing as both girls graduated in the spring, they should have been gone by November - according to company policy) soon, so I will not have to deal with her.  Stephanie, on the other hand, does not even seem to be trying anymore.  Then again, can you really blame her?  She works at least 27-28 hours a week (with the exception of Monica, this is more than anyone else by far) and usually manages to get a few more than that (one day working from 8 AM to 6 PM because the two other closers called out sick.  That's a 10 hour shift, two hours of which are overtime and therefore she gets time and a half for that!  When I casually brought up that she could have called me to come in early, she just said 'I didn't want to bother you.' Bull shite!).
If they are not gone by January, I am going to have to start doing SOMETHING to get them gone.  They are breaking the rules and it is not fair; also, I could be getting some of these hours - I need to money too.







Plus, I'm tired of being so full of hate and anger and stress.  I have school to stress out over.

Me vs. the World

Gabe decided to delete his facebook a few months ago for various personal reasons, but recently he created a new one that is, if you don't know him personally, anonymous.  It's quite amusing if you do know him, because his whole profile screams GABE - as does his nom-de-plume.  All teasing aside, I am quite glad that he's started writing again.  I don't know if he started doing it because I causally dropped into a conversation that I missed reading his blogs, but he's writing and that's all I care about. [EDIT: he has since moved his blog, but the facebook is still there if you want to stop by.)

He makes three people whose blogs I read and particularly enjoy (not counting two of my all time favorite published authors, one Sarah Dessen and one Meg Cabot)- one is a girl I went to high school with who is just amazing and factastically talented and the other is also a girl I went to high school with who is a wonderful person and quite talented in her on right.  I wish I had as much time, effort, and energy to write as often or as cleaver as they do.....

I think blogs are really one of the best "inventions" as of late.  Sure they are mostly a place for people like me to complain about life and other such non-important things, but they are also a place for writers to practice their craft and possibly try new things.  They are a place for people with common interests - whether it's crafts, cooking, running, &c - to share their ideas, thoughts, and activities.  They are a way to for people to get what's on their mind out. They are a way to let the world know what you're thinking about and how you deal with things.  What's even more surprising is how often you can relate to something that someone else has posted.  It is a way for people not to feel alone (kind of what post secret does).  

It strange, as individual as most people want to be, or as independent as others want to appear, no one wants to feel alone.  Finding someone out there who has a similar worry to ours, or who likes something we do, or who posts a link of something you were sent not long ago to make you smile, and feel loved.  To feel that you are indeed not alone in this world....no matter how alone you feel.

Just the Way You Are

I decided to add a new page to my blog today, a pictures page.  I figured I can write about my journey, I can write about how my body is changing, I can write about how my looks are changing, but they are only words.  I think by posting pictures I am not only making myself stay accountable for keeping up this weight loss journey, but it shows my progress.  It is a visual representation of my long and perilous journey to being healthy and fit.  I sincerely hope that by doing this, it's a good thing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I realise that I have not updated once since I made my weight loss pledge, but I have been avoiding the internet as much as possible this past week because it distracts me and causes me to fall behind on my schoolwork.  Then again I could always say that I have to post a blog whenever I log on for non-homework purposes.  This way I make sure I update my blog when I'm not focusing on homework but it might also deter me from going on things like facebook.....

So far, this week has been a kind of difficult because I haven't had money to buy food and then I don't plan my time to make sure I make food, so I have been not eating as well as I should be; giving up break has made this that much more difficult.  I asked a friend of mine - who lost 50 lbs over the last year and a half - if tortillas count as bread - she said no; I just looked online and found out that it is.  I guess I am going to need to revise my bread giving up to not include tortillas because I'm going to need SOMETHING to hold my food in - there is only so much a person can take of fruit and cheese.

This week as also been quite difficult in that it started with a heat wave!  On Sunday it was near 100, Monday it was 109 (113 in LA, a record high since 1990), and today it was in the 90s, and tomorrow it's suppose to be in the high 80s (though I'm sure it will hit 90, at least).  For some reason my feet tend to swell up when it gets to hot - weather it's because I'm SO overweight or if it's something else, I don't know, but they do.  So much so that I have HAD to wear sandals all day.  I really hope that now that the heat is going down my feet wills top swelling.  I like where I live - usually a decent climate - but I am SO over the heat.  I'm sure if I had spend the last year in Northern England/Scotland like two of my friends, I'm sure I would be loving the heat; but after the second day of this heat wave even THEY were over it.  I think that shows how bad it's been.  On the other hand, I don't really have good lower than 70 degree weather shoes, so I am just going to be thankful that the heat wave is leaving and hope that it doesn't get too cold too fast.

Tomorrow is a gym day, so I'm hoping I will do as good as i did last week (I ended up running half a lap - the short legs) on my and Elle's 30ish minute walk around the track.  Hopefully tomorrow we'll be able to play some hand ball and then do some walking.  I hope by next month I'll be able to run two or so laps.  I realise that the end of September is tomorrow, so I guess my goal of running an entire lap by the end of the month probably won't happen - well, without me doubling over desperately trying to breath after - but I think if I can run four of the shorter legs of the track, that will at least be a step in the right direction.  Right?

Hopefully I'll remember to check back in on Friday morning and update on the work out.  I'm even contemplating adding another page for weight tracking and comments on the week - food, school, stress, &c - something that will help me see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong and go from there.

Until then, ~a

Curse of Curves

As it turns out, I have a really good feeling that Gabriel has abandoned me.  He has given up on me, left me to fend for myself. Left me.  And you know what? It's all good.  Ok, that's a lie, it's not - not really; but, it is what it is.  I can't change it any more than I can change the fact the sky is blue.  Instead I'm just going to have to work on this myself.

I have always wanted to be a runner.  I have always been a huge fan of it - ever since that fated day in High School when we got to play soccer (which, I think, I kicked ass at too).  The problem: I was too fat - still am.  

But now I'm done with that.  I'm done with being too fat to wear a dress/skirt without 'fat-suckers' (usually Assets from Target).  I'm hate that I can no longer fit into ANY of the fantastic skirts I made in High School/Freshman year.  I dread having to ask someone for a ride (anything from not fitting in their car to the seatbelt not going all the way around me).  I loathe the fact that what I spend on one shirt or pair of pants, my sister (who is only about 50-60 lbs overweight) she can buy two or three....of each.  I detest that I now have to ask for an extender when I fly - and I feel so sorry for the person/people who are stuck next to me.  I'm highly depressed that I don't have a boyfriend and have never been on a proper date.  I am done with all of this.

Starting this week I will no longer buy bread related products.  This is my first goal - I've decided to start with small goals for myself.  One of the goals for next week is to cut out eating bread entirely.  While I realise this will make buying food at school difficult and possible more expensive, I think it's worth it.  I would say I am going to quit bread cold turkey, but I know I cannot do that cold turkey.  I LOVE BREAD! So instead, I'm just going to not buy more of it; I'm going to finish what's left in my apartment and go from there.  Yes, this does mean that I will be going Atkins-esque: large lettuce leaves when bread is needed; personally, I have always liked this idea more.  Also, I'm going to try and make it a requirement that my sister and I go to the new Rec centre at least two times a week for a month (more is fine too, but at least 10 times) and walk the track for 30 mins.  I know my sister is a MASSIVELY fast walker, so the first few times will be spent trying just to catch up to her walking speed.  I then hope, by the middle/end of the month, we'll be able to run for at least three mins in the 30 minute workout (or 1 minute for every 9 mins we walk).

My ultimate goal is to look good for when I walk at the end of May, 2011.  I refuse to look like a balloon for another graduation.  I refuse!  So, I'm going to take a proactive role in this.  I've always known this would ultimately be up to me (from the day that Gabe started wrongly criticize the food diary I was keep - he couldn't seem to remember that, as a woman, we are quite different in some important ways.  I can't just cut what I eat in half and be fine...it doesn't work that way), it's just taken me this long to step up to the plate.  Stop relying on someone who seemed to have my best interests at heart, but then - when we were face to face - didn't.  It's sad, and disappointing, but I can't change it.  The only ways to go are onward and upward.

So here goes nothing!  On Wednesday of next week I will post another goal, a few thoughts, &c.  I will make that another goal: to post at least one blog a week with progress.  Again, I can post more, but at least one.  I hope, if nothing else, this will help me not only loose weight, but focus more on school, learn to eat better, and not focus on some of the personal problems I seem to be having with two of the girls I work with (not women, because they are acting so friggen childish!).  

until next week,

 ~a

(the video that pushed me into the 'I CAN do this' camp: http://youtu.be/8SbXgQqbOoU.  Youtube.com - a blessing and a curse ;P  )

PS I will also post starting weight, measurements, &c at a later date because I have no measuring tape or scale at present; but as soon as I have access, I will.

already gone

I want to be a good friend, I want to be there for you when you need me, I want to be present at all the fantastical moments in your life.  What I don't want is for you to rub salt in my wounds.  I don't want you to tell me each and every time your boy does something cute, adorable, thoughtful, &c just to have me tell you he's in to you.  YES, HE'S JUST THAT INTO YOU!! I've told you a million times, but either you like me telling you or you are that dense (which I find highly unlikely).  This, however, would mean that you enjoy torturing me, you enjoy making me feel pain, you enjoy making me wonder why I even bother.
Granted, I only have one experience to compare everything too, but I keep holding on, hoping, that was the worse it'll get - rock bottom.  I read books, watch movies, listen to music - all in the hopes that one day, it might happen to me.  I'm sure the road blocks I put in my way do not help, but still. (it also doesn't help when I get a text from him telling me he's changed his number (showing me he still has my number in his phone - even after he switched companies), he pops on my IM list, Facebook suggests I friend him, &c).
I think the best part is when just when I get over him, just when I say I'm done with it all, the sucker IMs me - or texts me - and I think: maybe, just maybe.  And I am stabbed in the heart, again.  It's never REALLY a hey, how are you doing, I miss you.  It's always a hey, how are you, I need something from you.  I think it's worse when it's an IM because then I end up waiting around to see if he has something to actually tell say to me....when really he just stops typing and I end up waiting two hours.  And then I analyze/over think shit for two more hours.  I wish I could just forget it, but then I refuse to give up on the only guy who ever seemed to like me and kinda did something about it....when really, it's all mostly in my head.
I guess it's just repeating to myself: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! he's never REALLY made an effort.  He just uses you like everybody else - because he knows what they know: I'm a sucker willing to help people when they need it.  I'm an easy sucker.  I'm a glutton for punishment.  I do it on purpose.  I can't help it.  It's who I am.  It's what I do.  And then, when my heart has been properly torn in half, I put on some music, cry a little, and then start all over again.  Rinse and repeat.

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street. Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known.

I want to ask you, did it mean anything? Did you ever care?  What was it?  I get that it was forever ago, and that I could let go, but not this part of it.  Not the part where you make me think, make me believe, that it could have been something more.  Make me think that you might have wanted to give it an honest go this time.

Instead, I'm left with this tightness in my chest, this feeling of dread, this constant wondering.  I like to think that I am a smart, brilliant person, but I cannot seem to move past this.  I cannot seem to take a step forward.  I cannot do a thing.  I hate this.  I hate this with a fiery, burning passion.  But I cannot seem to do anything about it.

When I got close enough to do something, I folded.  I gave in and listened to that stupid voice in the back of my mind; I put my heart in it and gave it a shot.....instead, I got it handed back to me in pieces.  Again.

Now, everything I see that stupid thing pop up, my heart stops.  Will I get an IM?  What will it say? Or, is it just another false alarm?  Is it just another pop up that will just go away and then come back and rinse and repeat?

I should just take it off, delete it; but I cannot.  I cannot fully admit to that enough to get rid of it.  I wish Gabe would push me a little further, would make me realise and admit to all that this is.  I wish he didn't give up on me.  I wish that we could just talk, face to face.  Maybe then, I would be able to ACTUALLY face this shit.

But I guess not....I guess I will just continue on this horrid, tortured path until something comes along....I just wish it would hurry it's ass up.  I'm so tired of this, I really am.  One day, some day...


[EDIT] instead, i spend the night watching you sign on and then sign off.....listening to taylor swift sing about my heart break

Friends just are

you shouldn't have to prove anything or pitch it.....

friends are suppose to be the people who love you because you are who you are and for no other reason.

wise words from gabriel

"love is extra virgin olive oil, irish butter, duck fat, vanilla bean, REAL cinnamon, french cheese, artisan bread
 it's the stuff that makes good food great food and when you eat great, you eat well  and you become infinitely more satisfied"

i guess that's why they call it the blues

why do i feel like i'm waiting for my real life to begin?  like this part doesn't count....like this is just practice?  maybe it's the over active imagination and massive movie/television watching and the far too much reading that i do, i just feel like i could be happier somewhere else.  maybe it's also the severe lack of friends and the non existent social (due to lack of friends and funds).  one day i'll be the person i was always meant to be

rose of my heart

Sometimes I wish I could do all the things I want to do.  I think about them, I get up and plan to put them into action, I get ready - planning to do them, but then, when it comes time, I just don't.  I would just rather sit and do other things, or go out and do something else.  Then, when some one that means a lot to me tells me that because my apartment is not clean, I have a problem, I get even more discouraged.

Oddly enough, my roommate called it a week ago.  She said that Gabriel really doesn't understand what HE has signed on for in this little experiment of his.  He does not understand the progress I have made, and the changes I have enacted.  He does not get that you do not have to be all sparkley and shiny; that some mess is alright.  He also does not get that some times he needs to tell me things; hypotheticals do not really work with me.    And that if I am not doing something right, you need to tell me how to do it right.

This is so unnerving and frustrating.  I wish I could say something, but when I tried it yielded unfavorable results.  And heart break that I would rather not have, if I can help it.  I really wish I could just fast forward through the next few years.  I am so over it.

I guess I was right

I discovered something very important tonight: one of the most important people in my life, someone I trust with my whole mind, body, and self, really has no idea who I am. And it kind of breaks my heart. I thought he, of all people, would get me. But no. Instead, when I brought up something that deviated he got the same look my dad got that basically said 'fuck you and you're wrong' and it sucked. I even pointed it out and it did nothing. I kinda wish I could just say I'm depressed by this and be on my merry; but I just can't. I am greatly saddened by it and my heart hurts that some of these things, that aren't like his/him, are just wrong in his mind. That because they are different they're just wrong. Normally, with someone I cared this about, I would put it in the creative differences pile and leave it be for a bit and discuss it later. But I'm just gonna just have to accept that he will never change his mind on the subject and move on.

I hate that his opinion means so much to me. I hate that a part of me wants to do whatever I can to be like him (in a way). I hate that he has such an affect on me and has no idea (no matter how much I tell him).
••••••••••••••••••
Part of me wants my own place, but I know I cannot afford it and I'd miss my roomie too much. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

sometimes I feel like I am lucky

I need to feel your heartbeat when you say you love me

I don’t wanna hear it if it’s something that you don’t mean

If I had to leave you now, there would be an empty space

It doesn’t matter anyhow, you can’t take your things, and go your own way!

Yea there’s two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

And there’s two more lonely people, who gave up the fight, yea I’m on a ride

Well, you know my heart is achin’ and you don’t have to break it, if love don’t change your mind

Yea, there’s two more lonely people, tonight…

I don’t want your pictures, I don’t want your sympathy

We don’t have to be friends, we don’t have to be enemies

In my head I break it down, and I am absolutely sure

That you and I could work it out, or we could kill the lights, on what we had before!

Yea there’s two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

And there’s two more lonely people, who gave up the fight, yea I’m on a ride

Well, you know my heart is achin’ and you don’t have to break it, if love don’t change your mind

Yea, there’s two more lonely people…

Well, we got somethin’ special, that should be enough

Nothing unpredictable when it comes to love

Maybe, lately, baby, we could feel a little love

And if you would walk away tonight

There’ll be two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

There’ll be two more lonely people, who gave up the fight

Yea there’s two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

Well, there’s two more lonely people, who gave up the fight, yea I’m on a ride

Well, you know my heart is achin’ and you don’t have to break it, if love don’t change your mind.

Yea, there’s two more lonely people, tonight

You made it back to sleep again....

"I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

hello darkness my old friend

I really need someone I can talk to who really gets/understands me. I have a handful of people that I talk to about different things, but no one who really gets me. I am trying this new thing with one of my friends where I am completely honest in every respect. If Gabriel asks me something, I will say the truth. No thinking about how to reword things or how to say it better. I just say the first thing that pops in my head. The problem with placing this kind of trust in someone, with opening up yourself completely, is that you are more raw, more susceptible to get hurt. To get your heart damaged - if not broken. And I do not think Gabriel realised the box that was opened up when he started this journey with me; and what is worse? I thought that of all the people in my life, Gabriel would be the best person to do this honestly thing with (along with other things). I figured if he was willing to tell me that he realised that I had a weight problem, and if I was willing to commit to it, he would help me; but I had to swear that I would commit to this fully for a year. And if in a year I managed to lose 100 pounds (or, as Sophia pointed out, 7 stones) then he'll buy me a pretty dress and take me out dancing; and he gets to find out if the program he's created actually works for other people. The problem is, I think he expects more from me than he thinks he does (yeah, I know that technically doesn't make sense, but it kind of does); and then, when I start to lose control and I need someone to rely on, someone to talk to he is not all there. I feel like I am bothering him. I pretend to be a very confident, self-assured young lady, but really it is all just a front. I can act that way because I know that no one is really looking at me, so I can do whatever I want. It is when people (or in this case) a person pays attention to me, and makes me think about everything I do, every action I take, that my true colors show. I tried to talk to Gabriel about some of this, but I do not think he was getting it. I do understand that he has his own life, that he is not my personal Jillian (I kinda want one though), but when I give you the level of commitment that I have (something I have never, ever done), I think that it should also be understood that you will have to hold my hand with somethings. I will try and handle as much on my own as possible, but sometimes I do need help. And when I ask for it, that means I am close to desperate. I tend not to ask for assistants or guidance when it comes to my own insecurities, but when I do and you tell me I am obsessed and then do not say anything else that is no bueno nacho! I am sorry that I am so socially retarded, but it is who I am. The fact that I have trusted you with anything from that part of my high school life (and some after) is a big deal; and it also means I want to be able to talk with you about it. Have a two way conversation that is as free of judgement as possible. Not a me coming to you for help/guidance. and you basically brushing me off. I hate this. I hate that I am not a stronger person. I hate that I am not more ready for life. I hate that I hide from the unknown. I hate that I look the way I do. I hate a lot of things about myself. But, after a few days, I realise it is not a bad as I thought and I try to move forward. I am an artist (or at least I like to think I am), I feel things differently; I express things differently. You cannot treat me the same as you would a general person, I do not work that way. One day I will be a Dora; hell I would even settle for a Faye, but I am tired of being a Hanners or a Marigold. They are awesome and amazing, but I want something new, something that fits better. Maybe, in a way, I am Evey, and this is my journey to not be afraid. I just hope I do not have to shave my head. ••••••••••••••••••••• "While the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth."

The time for sleep is now...it's nothing to cry about 'cause we'll hold each other soon

Today is that infamous day where you buy your dad some sort of (power)tool or a cheap tie and leave him alone.  When compared to that other infamous day, it really seems to get the shit end of the stick if you really think about it.  For this latter day, we spend a lot of money of really expensive jewelry or other non-important things.  We have long meals that we give a special name to and pay far too much money for the not worth it eatables; maybe it is because it is acceptable - encouraged even - to have alcoholic beverages and dress nicely.  We have full day celebrations, children makes crafts that the parental unit will love no matter what at school - something they will hang onto for years to come, despite the offspring's best attempts to dispose of it.  There are sales weeks, months leading up to it.  There are special services at places of worship - I guess this is expected, considering there is a commandment about it - well, this half anyway.  The flower industry flourishes, literally, on one of its two biggest holidays (the other being, of course, the day of giving and - hopefully - receiving of handmade - or, as more common today, store bought pieces of cardboard with a confectionery attached - valentines (It should be noted, that while this day is set on the Catholic feast day of said saint, it is not on the official calendar - or even officially recognized - because they cannot attribute it to any one person....or reason.  See, it is in fact all the greeting card company - and the flower sellers and the confectionery makers.  It is all a hoax.  Like global warming - which is just a way of making people feel bad about using too much hairspray).).

I could probably go on and on about this latter holiday (which, ironically enough, occurs first in the current calendar) but why bother, I think the idea is understood....if not, well, then you simply do not pay enough attention.  And you only have yourself to blame.  The former holiday, sadly, does not get the same kind of prestige or recognition or celebration.  Sure there are sales and advertisements about it a few weeks, days before, but they are all masks.  They tend not to be about the other half of the parental unit; just a guise to get the masses to spend more of their non-existent money.  Stores will be open regular hours, as will businesses and eateries.  There are no special meals with alcohol involved, encouraged even - well, not socially acceptable ones anyway.

There is just a day for this half of the child rearing team to be left alone.  Or to take the male child out into a wilderness of some sort and 'bond' - another farce, especially if there are no male children (biologically or otherwise).  Or sit in front of a talking box with moving pictures watching competitions or whatever is on.  Sure, there are tool specials and outdoor food cooking container sales, but nothing of the same scale.  There might be a breakfast and a few interesting gifts, but nothing of the same magnitude.

The only reason this still exists as it does is because nobody does anything about it.  Why? Well, because nobody wants to.  Most just want to be left alone anyway.  So, when there is that one that wants something different, they are cast out.  If their own familial unit does something for them especially, well then YAY THEM! but otherwise, we all just leave 'em be.

For yet another year, I am separated from mine, and this time it was not my choice - it was his; but it is alright, he is with his better half and the one who gave him life.  While I might not always agree with what he says, and I am sure there are many things he does not like that I do, at the end of the day we still love each other.  I may not be the ideal female child, but I am who I am - I do not pretend to be anybody else.  And I know, no matter what, he will love me all the same.  So here is to 23 (technically) years of a lifelong job that you volunteered for, for better or worse.  If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the NOs on your vacancy signs.  If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark.  I love you Dad.

love finds a way....some people change

I'm not afraid of the dark (sort of)

If only my life could be like Serendipity, a completely random happenstance that ended up in happiness.  Well, ok, sometimes my life it, but more often than not it is not.  Sometimes I really do wish I could fast forward through the next few years and just be ready to move on with my life.  While I know that the things I experience over the next few years will be important and crucial, I really wish I could just be living life already.  (And I'm sure if you ask me in a few years, I'll wish I could go back.  What a vicious circle this is!)

I have been sitting in this coffee shop for a few hours now and all I have accomplished is watching Serendipity, wishing I was somewhere else, a sore back from not sitting properly, and finally deciding on an essay topic.  I should be almost done with this essay, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.  I cannot find the motivation.  I felt the same way in the bookstore yesterday, I picked up book after book after book and they all seemed the same to me.  I want something new, something exciting, something attention grabbing.  I eventually found something, as soon as I gave up hope finding a book.  This has been happening more often lately, I give up and BAM! there it is.  I cannot decide if the universe is trying to tell me something or if I am starting to go slightly mad.  In either case, I might start taking it a bit more seriously - just in case.

I'm thinking it is time to get back to actually starting this stupid essay (it's only about five pages) and maybe then I can sit and write a little bit of fiction, just for fun.  Or just sit and ponder.  Scratch that, no pondering.  Pondering is bad, it leads to thoughts and unwanted feelings.  It leads to why nots and what ifs.  It leads to thinking about what I did wrong - even if I know I have done nothing wrong.  It leads to depressing thoughts. So paper writing, that is all.  A fortunate accident, that is what I should have been doing anyway.

awful waste of space

one month ago, to the date, i wrote about how i was going to start on this big adventure.....well, i haven't.  yet.  oddly enough, this was not my fault - or anyone's for that matter - just unforeseeable circumstance.  we have since sat down and reevaluated and decided to start today - but then something came up.  i'm wondering if this is a sign.  am i not suppose to do this?  am i suppose to run as far, and as fast, away as i can?  or is this just another 'test' to make sure i'm ready for this.  to make sure that i can really do this and that i am really ready to do it.  i think that now that i've had so long to think about it, i am even more ready than i was before.  while most of the time, time is the enemy, this time it was an aid.  a helper.

so while i will technically be starting today with some very strict rules and a very strict teacher, i think that i will be stronger and more successful because of it.  i just hope i don't fail him, this program, or myself.  failing any of the three would be the worst.  and hopefully i'll become a better person as this goes on.

while he's giving me a journal, i think that i will need to keep a general journal, but i'm not sure where i'm going to want to keep it.  should i keep it in the same book?  should i find my own journal and continue there? should i buy a whole new book and go from there?  there are so many things i'm not sure of, you would think i wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning!  but, especially after starting to read eat, pray, love i seem to be understanding that it is alright to just let go and try and trust the universe.  like when i misplaced my bus pass this morning.  i freaked out for a few minutes and then i figured there was a reason for it, so i let go.  and then i found it on the bus stop bench.  it was like a mini test: can you completely let go and trust?  can you accept that you will not always be in control, that you will not always know things.  and this morning i responded: yes, yes i can.  and i did.  and i was rewarded with my overpriced bus pass.  now i guess the real test is to see if i can actually do this.  if i can succeed in something i have never truly done before.

i was just handed the journal a few seconds ago, so the journey has begun.  the game is afoot.  the gun has been fired.  time to hit the ground running and go for it.  here goes nothing!!

i wanna be the one to walk in the sun

Sometimes I really think I should be living on my own.  While it is awesome to have someone to come home to and share things with, I think sometimes it is overrated.  Last night I was completely alone for the first time and honestly, it was lovely.  I think this might be a very good reason to have my own room wherever I live - a place to call my own.  I also think that if I ever had a boyfriend, a room of my own would be preferable.

I think I'm about to start on a very big, grand adventure - and like moving into this apartment - I'm a very unsure and scared.  I like to think that I'm brave and willing to take chances, but when it comes down to it I am a wuss who would rather hide in her apartment with Netflix.  I really hope that this adventure yield beautiful things; I have a better feeling about it because this time around I'll have a guide, but it is still that scary.  There are so many things to be scared of, but so many things that I can look forward to.  I think, even thought it hasn't worked in the past, I'm going to buy reminders.  Things I can look forward to; and not just one thing that will be the ultimate goal, but things to encourage me along the way.  While, right now, I want to do this, I'm so afraid that when push comes to shove I'll revert to my old ways.  In some ways I'm like an alcoholic - except with food.  I guess that's what I am: a foodaholic.  I've tried so many different things, none of them working.

While this time I am more comfortable with who I am as a person, I feel that I am still afraid to be who I am around my family.  I can't even admit how much I liked the guy who broke my heart - I didn't even fully admit to 'dating' him.  I think with my immediate family, it just wasn't something I was expected to do - it was more something I wasn't suppose to do.  While I'd rather just find that one person to make me happy and be done with everything, I know that dating would really help my serious lack of social skills and I'm sure I'm inability to act at least competent around someone I am attracted to.  I also think it is the fact that I'm waiting for the right person.

When asked what kind of guy I like, I can never give a straight answer, but I don't have one.  Maybe it was how I was raised, or just how I think, but I have never really like a particular body type, or an specific eye color, or a specific number of dimples.  Instead, I like people because of the things that make them who they are.  I think not being thin has made me look at people for who they are instead of just what they look like - it has made me accept people as they are instead of judging them because they dress like a thug, or they frizzy-all-over-the-place hair, or they dress like a slut, or they act like a whore, or they are really fat or really thin.  Yeah, I might make an initial judgement - every does, it's hardwired into us - but I am always open to change, I am always will to change my initial judgement because people aren't just what they look like.  We have enough things to worry about in life, why add in trying to be what everybody else wants you to be.  Instead, just be who you are and go from there.  If people who say they are your friend don't like it, then they really aren't your friend.

Alright, time to go and finish my massive paper writing.  While I always seem to wait until the last minute and stress out like mad, I really enjoy school.  I enjoy learning new things and then teaching/telling them to others. I really want to be done with school and just be teaching.  The problem is, I'm not sure if I'll be a good teacher.  I think my biggest fear about becoming a teacher is that I'll be a bad one; and I'd rather not teach at all then be a bad teacher.  Sometimes I'm tempted to just take a random office job and just be happy.  While I like to think I'm a unique person, I really just want an average life where things have a place and an order.  I just want to be able to not have to worry about paper writing anymore.  Hopefully I'll be done next year and on my way.  While I'm suppose to return to classes right after graduating, maybe I'll take a year and just work or something - see what real life is like for awhile.  Maybe make some friends.  Live life.  Until then, there will be mass paper writing and attempting to be productive.

he could be that boy, but I'm not that girl..........

Sometimes life hands you a real gem.  Never let them go.  Make sure you tell them the truth always.  Make sure they know how special they are to you.  Make sure you tell them how much you love them.  They may assume, but making sure they know will make everything they do that much more amazing.  It makes everything they do special - even when it's picking you up off the ground after you've give up on life......

Tonights Playlist

Title: <3
Songs (in no particular order):

Hold On - Michael Buble
Song for You - Michael Buble
Highway 20 Ride - Zac Brown Band
Paperweight - Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk
Untouchable - Taylor Swift
When I Look at You - Miley Cyrus
Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Everything - Lifehouse
From Where You Are - Lifehouse
Hills and Valleys - The Rocket Summer
I Believe in You - Tyler HIlton

Every few days I made a playlist to fall asleep to - I think at this point I probably have about four 'sleep' playlists on my iPod - I try to remember to delete some after a few months of not listening.  Falling asleep is usually quite a simple task for me - takes max 10 minutes; but lately, it has taken longer.....some nights I only sleep for a few hours.  I think creating soothing playlists really help calm me down, and make it a little easier to fall asleep.  But then, the rational/logical side of me knows the reasons I am having trouble sleeping - I'm just avoiding them.....

<3 ~ <3

A friend of mine is restarting is weight loss/life changing project again; while I am glad he is doing this again, I am also quite jealous.  Sometimes I really wish I had the drive and the determination to actually follow through with something like this.  I've tried so many things, but nothing ever seems to stick - and it sucks.  I'm hoping that if I follow him on his journey, some of this determination will rub off on me and I will finally be able to actually succeed for once.

Being a girl really sucks sometimes.  *sigh*  I guess I should head off to bed now, I have to be up in 6 hours - I am SO over this early morning roll out!! - and I need to make sure I'm productive and get my projects done.....oh yeah, and make the bus and remember to pack a healthy lunch.  Only four more weeks until school is done, only four more weeks until school is done.......

old pictures, new editing

While I usually just write here, I was looking through my computer and remembered that I had these and wanted to post them - I figured this was as good a place as any.  Enjoy and the attempt at snarky humor will return soon.

From Picasa fun

my beautiful little sister

From Picasa fun

BIG SMILE!!

From Picasa fun

the pink hat

From Picasa fun

*kiss*

From Picasa fun

ecstatic

From Picasa fun

ecstatic - long shot

From Picasa fun

portrait

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silliness

From Picasa fun

close up

From Picasa fun

far away

From Picasa fun

X marks the spot

A & M are at it again...........

M: OMG I saw a guy reading Eclipse while he was on the bike
A:  I hope u squeed and giggled.......
M:No. I just complimented him on his book choice and moved on
A: Awww I would've asked what part he was on.......than tell him edward dies, bella moves in with the vamp chick that's been hunting her, and then run away laughing :D
M: I would have said Bella runs off to the Amazon to fuck one of the werejaguars
A:Yeah, well? Ur imagination is a BIT more complex than mine ^-^
M: lol
     I've thought about it a bit more then you I guess. lol :)
A: Uh, yeah.  I like it as it (:
M: I can't remember if I ever finished Eclipse. In fact i'm pretty sure I never have
A: U didn't miss much........personally it was my least favorite of the saga
M: I gave up halfway through.  Just wasn't feeling it?
A: Yeah, it was tension and firmly setting in stone that it would always be edward and bella
     and that they were both self sacrificing idiots
M: Did Bella try to die for Edward again?
A: Probably and then I believe they teamed up with jacob to save her
M: or vice versa?
     Like always.  But there's always Jake to the rescue.
     I love that scene.  He backpeddles so fast. Lol

M totally gets me!! <3

your mental age is your real age added together

"Life is too important to be taken seriously." ~Oscar Wilde

life sucks

than you die.  then it sucks some more.

sex and death 101

Write what you know, that's what people are always saying.  When you write, you are suppose to write what you know, but how do you write what you know when you know very little about a whole lot of things?  How do you write what you know when people attack you for writing what you know - because they know more and they flaunt it in your face.  They make you feel bad for not knowing as much as they do?



I guess you just have to keep writing and hope that someday, someone, somewhere will get it.....until then, you just smile and nod.....