I'm not afraid of the dark (sort of)

If only my life could be like Serendipity, a completely random happenstance that ended up in happiness.  Well, ok, sometimes my life it, but more often than not it is not.  Sometimes I really do wish I could fast forward through the next few years and just be ready to move on with my life.  While I know that the things I experience over the next few years will be important and crucial, I really wish I could just be living life already.  (And I'm sure if you ask me in a few years, I'll wish I could go back.  What a vicious circle this is!)

I have been sitting in this coffee shop for a few hours now and all I have accomplished is watching Serendipity, wishing I was somewhere else, a sore back from not sitting properly, and finally deciding on an essay topic.  I should be almost done with this essay, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.  I cannot find the motivation.  I felt the same way in the bookstore yesterday, I picked up book after book after book and they all seemed the same to me.  I want something new, something exciting, something attention grabbing.  I eventually found something, as soon as I gave up hope finding a book.  This has been happening more often lately, I give up and BAM! there it is.  I cannot decide if the universe is trying to tell me something or if I am starting to go slightly mad.  In either case, I might start taking it a bit more seriously - just in case.

I'm thinking it is time to get back to actually starting this stupid essay (it's only about five pages) and maybe then I can sit and write a little bit of fiction, just for fun.  Or just sit and ponder.  Scratch that, no pondering.  Pondering is bad, it leads to thoughts and unwanted feelings.  It leads to why nots and what ifs.  It leads to thinking about what I did wrong - even if I know I have done nothing wrong.  It leads to depressing thoughts. So paper writing, that is all.  A fortunate accident, that is what I should have been doing anyway.