i guess that's why they call it the blues

why do i feel like i'm waiting for my real life to begin?  like this part doesn't count....like this is just practice?  maybe it's the over active imagination and massive movie/television watching and the far too much reading that i do, i just feel like i could be happier somewhere else.  maybe it's also the severe lack of friends and the non existent social (due to lack of friends and funds).  one day i'll be the person i was always meant to be

rose of my heart

Sometimes I wish I could do all the things I want to do.  I think about them, I get up and plan to put them into action, I get ready - planning to do them, but then, when it comes time, I just don't.  I would just rather sit and do other things, or go out and do something else.  Then, when some one that means a lot to me tells me that because my apartment is not clean, I have a problem, I get even more discouraged.

Oddly enough, my roommate called it a week ago.  She said that Gabriel really doesn't understand what HE has signed on for in this little experiment of his.  He does not understand the progress I have made, and the changes I have enacted.  He does not get that you do not have to be all sparkley and shiny; that some mess is alright.  He also does not get that some times he needs to tell me things; hypotheticals do not really work with me.    And that if I am not doing something right, you need to tell me how to do it right.

This is so unnerving and frustrating.  I wish I could say something, but when I tried it yielded unfavorable results.  And heart break that I would rather not have, if I can help it.  I really wish I could just fast forward through the next few years.  I am so over it.

I guess I was right

I discovered something very important tonight: one of the most important people in my life, someone I trust with my whole mind, body, and self, really has no idea who I am. And it kind of breaks my heart. I thought he, of all people, would get me. But no. Instead, when I brought up something that deviated he got the same look my dad got that basically said 'fuck you and you're wrong' and it sucked. I even pointed it out and it did nothing. I kinda wish I could just say I'm depressed by this and be on my merry; but I just can't. I am greatly saddened by it and my heart hurts that some of these things, that aren't like his/him, are just wrong in his mind. That because they are different they're just wrong. Normally, with someone I cared this about, I would put it in the creative differences pile and leave it be for a bit and discuss it later. But I'm just gonna just have to accept that he will never change his mind on the subject and move on.

I hate that his opinion means so much to me. I hate that a part of me wants to do whatever I can to be like him (in a way). I hate that he has such an affect on me and has no idea (no matter how much I tell him).
••••••••••••••••••
Part of me wants my own place, but I know I cannot afford it and I'd miss my roomie too much. Talk about a rock and a hard place.

sometimes I feel like I am lucky

I need to feel your heartbeat when you say you love me

I don’t wanna hear it if it’s something that you don’t mean

If I had to leave you now, there would be an empty space

It doesn’t matter anyhow, you can’t take your things, and go your own way!

Yea there’s two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

And there’s two more lonely people, who gave up the fight, yea I’m on a ride

Well, you know my heart is achin’ and you don’t have to break it, if love don’t change your mind

Yea, there’s two more lonely people, tonight…

I don’t want your pictures, I don’t want your sympathy

We don’t have to be friends, we don’t have to be enemies

In my head I break it down, and I am absolutely sure

That you and I could work it out, or we could kill the lights, on what we had before!

Yea there’s two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

And there’s two more lonely people, who gave up the fight, yea I’m on a ride

Well, you know my heart is achin’ and you don’t have to break it, if love don’t change your mind

Yea, there’s two more lonely people…

Well, we got somethin’ special, that should be enough

Nothing unpredictable when it comes to love

Maybe, lately, baby, we could feel a little love

And if you would walk away tonight

There’ll be two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

There’ll be two more lonely people, who gave up the fight

Yea there’s two more lonely people, in the world tonight, baby you and I

Well, there’s two more lonely people, who gave up the fight, yea I’m on a ride

Well, you know my heart is achin’ and you don’t have to break it, if love don’t change your mind.

Yea, there’s two more lonely people, tonight

You made it back to sleep again....

"I had power over *nothing*. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

hello darkness my old friend

I really need someone I can talk to who really gets/understands me. I have a handful of people that I talk to about different things, but no one who really gets me. I am trying this new thing with one of my friends where I am completely honest in every respect. If Gabriel asks me something, I will say the truth. No thinking about how to reword things or how to say it better. I just say the first thing that pops in my head. The problem with placing this kind of trust in someone, with opening up yourself completely, is that you are more raw, more susceptible to get hurt. To get your heart damaged - if not broken. And I do not think Gabriel realised the box that was opened up when he started this journey with me; and what is worse? I thought that of all the people in my life, Gabriel would be the best person to do this honestly thing with (along with other things). I figured if he was willing to tell me that he realised that I had a weight problem, and if I was willing to commit to it, he would help me; but I had to swear that I would commit to this fully for a year. And if in a year I managed to lose 100 pounds (or, as Sophia pointed out, 7 stones) then he'll buy me a pretty dress and take me out dancing; and he gets to find out if the program he's created actually works for other people. The problem is, I think he expects more from me than he thinks he does (yeah, I know that technically doesn't make sense, but it kind of does); and then, when I start to lose control and I need someone to rely on, someone to talk to he is not all there. I feel like I am bothering him. I pretend to be a very confident, self-assured young lady, but really it is all just a front. I can act that way because I know that no one is really looking at me, so I can do whatever I want. It is when people (or in this case) a person pays attention to me, and makes me think about everything I do, every action I take, that my true colors show. I tried to talk to Gabriel about some of this, but I do not think he was getting it. I do understand that he has his own life, that he is not my personal Jillian (I kinda want one though), but when I give you the level of commitment that I have (something I have never, ever done), I think that it should also be understood that you will have to hold my hand with somethings. I will try and handle as much on my own as possible, but sometimes I do need help. And when I ask for it, that means I am close to desperate. I tend not to ask for assistants or guidance when it comes to my own insecurities, but when I do and you tell me I am obsessed and then do not say anything else that is no bueno nacho! I am sorry that I am so socially retarded, but it is who I am. The fact that I have trusted you with anything from that part of my high school life (and some after) is a big deal; and it also means I want to be able to talk with you about it. Have a two way conversation that is as free of judgement as possible. Not a me coming to you for help/guidance. and you basically brushing me off. I hate this. I hate that I am not a stronger person. I hate that I am not more ready for life. I hate that I hide from the unknown. I hate that I look the way I do. I hate a lot of things about myself. But, after a few days, I realise it is not a bad as I thought and I try to move forward. I am an artist (or at least I like to think I am), I feel things differently; I express things differently. You cannot treat me the same as you would a general person, I do not work that way. One day I will be a Dora; hell I would even settle for a Faye, but I am tired of being a Hanners or a Marigold. They are awesome and amazing, but I want something new, something that fits better. Maybe, in a way, I am Evey, and this is my journey to not be afraid. I just hope I do not have to shave my head. ••••••••••••••••••••• "While the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth."

The time for sleep is now...it's nothing to cry about 'cause we'll hold each other soon

Today is that infamous day where you buy your dad some sort of (power)tool or a cheap tie and leave him alone.  When compared to that other infamous day, it really seems to get the shit end of the stick if you really think about it.  For this latter day, we spend a lot of money of really expensive jewelry or other non-important things.  We have long meals that we give a special name to and pay far too much money for the not worth it eatables; maybe it is because it is acceptable - encouraged even - to have alcoholic beverages and dress nicely.  We have full day celebrations, children makes crafts that the parental unit will love no matter what at school - something they will hang onto for years to come, despite the offspring's best attempts to dispose of it.  There are sales weeks, months leading up to it.  There are special services at places of worship - I guess this is expected, considering there is a commandment about it - well, this half anyway.  The flower industry flourishes, literally, on one of its two biggest holidays (the other being, of course, the day of giving and - hopefully - receiving of handmade - or, as more common today, store bought pieces of cardboard with a confectionery attached - valentines (It should be noted, that while this day is set on the Catholic feast day of said saint, it is not on the official calendar - or even officially recognized - because they cannot attribute it to any one person....or reason.  See, it is in fact all the greeting card company - and the flower sellers and the confectionery makers.  It is all a hoax.  Like global warming - which is just a way of making people feel bad about using too much hairspray).).

I could probably go on and on about this latter holiday (which, ironically enough, occurs first in the current calendar) but why bother, I think the idea is understood....if not, well, then you simply do not pay enough attention.  And you only have yourself to blame.  The former holiday, sadly, does not get the same kind of prestige or recognition or celebration.  Sure there are sales and advertisements about it a few weeks, days before, but they are all masks.  They tend not to be about the other half of the parental unit; just a guise to get the masses to spend more of their non-existent money.  Stores will be open regular hours, as will businesses and eateries.  There are no special meals with alcohol involved, encouraged even - well, not socially acceptable ones anyway.

There is just a day for this half of the child rearing team to be left alone.  Or to take the male child out into a wilderness of some sort and 'bond' - another farce, especially if there are no male children (biologically or otherwise).  Or sit in front of a talking box with moving pictures watching competitions or whatever is on.  Sure, there are tool specials and outdoor food cooking container sales, but nothing of the same scale.  There might be a breakfast and a few interesting gifts, but nothing of the same magnitude.

The only reason this still exists as it does is because nobody does anything about it.  Why? Well, because nobody wants to.  Most just want to be left alone anyway.  So, when there is that one that wants something different, they are cast out.  If their own familial unit does something for them especially, well then YAY THEM! but otherwise, we all just leave 'em be.

For yet another year, I am separated from mine, and this time it was not my choice - it was his; but it is alright, he is with his better half and the one who gave him life.  While I might not always agree with what he says, and I am sure there are many things he does not like that I do, at the end of the day we still love each other.  I may not be the ideal female child, but I am who I am - I do not pretend to be anybody else.  And I know, no matter what, he will love me all the same.  So here is to 23 (technically) years of a lifelong job that you volunteered for, for better or worse.  If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the NOs on your vacancy signs.  If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark.  I love you Dad.

love finds a way....some people change

I'm not afraid of the dark (sort of)

If only my life could be like Serendipity, a completely random happenstance that ended up in happiness.  Well, ok, sometimes my life it, but more often than not it is not.  Sometimes I really do wish I could fast forward through the next few years and just be ready to move on with my life.  While I know that the things I experience over the next few years will be important and crucial, I really wish I could just be living life already.  (And I'm sure if you ask me in a few years, I'll wish I could go back.  What a vicious circle this is!)

I have been sitting in this coffee shop for a few hours now and all I have accomplished is watching Serendipity, wishing I was somewhere else, a sore back from not sitting properly, and finally deciding on an essay topic.  I should be almost done with this essay, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.  I cannot find the motivation.  I felt the same way in the bookstore yesterday, I picked up book after book after book and they all seemed the same to me.  I want something new, something exciting, something attention grabbing.  I eventually found something, as soon as I gave up hope finding a book.  This has been happening more often lately, I give up and BAM! there it is.  I cannot decide if the universe is trying to tell me something or if I am starting to go slightly mad.  In either case, I might start taking it a bit more seriously - just in case.

I'm thinking it is time to get back to actually starting this stupid essay (it's only about five pages) and maybe then I can sit and write a little bit of fiction, just for fun.  Or just sit and ponder.  Scratch that, no pondering.  Pondering is bad, it leads to thoughts and unwanted feelings.  It leads to why nots and what ifs.  It leads to thinking about what I did wrong - even if I know I have done nothing wrong.  It leads to depressing thoughts. So paper writing, that is all.  A fortunate accident, that is what I should have been doing anyway.

awful waste of space

one month ago, to the date, i wrote about how i was going to start on this big adventure.....well, i haven't.  yet.  oddly enough, this was not my fault - or anyone's for that matter - just unforeseeable circumstance.  we have since sat down and reevaluated and decided to start today - but then something came up.  i'm wondering if this is a sign.  am i not suppose to do this?  am i suppose to run as far, and as fast, away as i can?  or is this just another 'test' to make sure i'm ready for this.  to make sure that i can really do this and that i am really ready to do it.  i think that now that i've had so long to think about it, i am even more ready than i was before.  while most of the time, time is the enemy, this time it was an aid.  a helper.

so while i will technically be starting today with some very strict rules and a very strict teacher, i think that i will be stronger and more successful because of it.  i just hope i don't fail him, this program, or myself.  failing any of the three would be the worst.  and hopefully i'll become a better person as this goes on.

while he's giving me a journal, i think that i will need to keep a general journal, but i'm not sure where i'm going to want to keep it.  should i keep it in the same book?  should i find my own journal and continue there? should i buy a whole new book and go from there?  there are so many things i'm not sure of, you would think i wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning!  but, especially after starting to read eat, pray, love i seem to be understanding that it is alright to just let go and try and trust the universe.  like when i misplaced my bus pass this morning.  i freaked out for a few minutes and then i figured there was a reason for it, so i let go.  and then i found it on the bus stop bench.  it was like a mini test: can you completely let go and trust?  can you accept that you will not always be in control, that you will not always know things.  and this morning i responded: yes, yes i can.  and i did.  and i was rewarded with my overpriced bus pass.  now i guess the real test is to see if i can actually do this.  if i can succeed in something i have never truly done before.

i was just handed the journal a few seconds ago, so the journey has begun.  the game is afoot.  the gun has been fired.  time to hit the ground running and go for it.  here goes nothing!!