I'm really just a loser who's getting in your way....

Sometimes music says what we cannot...this is one of those times.

You and I, we were standing watching us fall apart 

So let me go and move along 

I think you're mistaken, I'm sorry to say 

I'm really just a loser who's getting in your way 

I think you've forgotten all of your plans 

See I never meant to be here and I think you should know 

You're better off alone

I want you to fight for me.  I want you to want me because I am me (I don't buy that you already do...).  I want you to not have so many expectations for something that has not even gotten off the ground.

I wish you hadn't killed this before it every really had a chance....

Sure, I'm just as imperfect as you.  Sure, I failed to meet all of the expectations you had for me.  Sure, when you look at it, I failed.

But I think you forget how big this all is/was for me.  I think you forget just how fast we moved.  I think you forget every time we set up a date, YOU canceled on ME.  EVERY TIME.

A large part of me is heart broken and utterly devastated over the fact that you gave up on us before you ever really gave it a chance, but then a small part of me (the part that always hold on to hope, no matter how dire the situation is) keeps telling the rest of me that you've said this before.  You've walked away before.  You've destroyed me before.  And you come back; you make it alright.  Until you do it again.  Rinse and Repeat.

But this time, I'm telling myself it's different.  This time you decided the day before finals week started to end it.  You decided that the day before the most stressful week of my LIFE to break my heart and walk away.  You decided that not only would you take away someone I deeply care for, but you also take away my friend - the person who makes me smile when I just want to give up completely on life and everything.

We might not have been perfect and we might not have lasted forever, but why couldn't we just enjoy the short time we had together?  Why couldn't you give what could have been a chance?  Why do you turn my world upside-down and then, just as I find the ground again, you pull the rug out from under me?

Why do you make it impossible to hate you?

Why do I let you slowly destroy me?

like a river flows to the sea...

Today my coworker Mike was working at his old job (covering for a friend) and he sent a smoothie back for me with Lizzy (my other coworker) and it honestly make my day.  Then it hit me: I can't even get Gabe to text me most days much less actually see him - but this guy I work with actually asked Lizzy if I was working and then sent me a smoothie.  It should be said that the end of the semester is quickly approaching so both Gabe and I are insanely busy trying to finish up school work; but he also said he was willing to make an effort to see me.  I wish I could remind him that he doesn't have to work even a quarter that hard: if you text me during the day I will be completely happy.  I'm easy - I can't help it, it's just my nature.  (and no, there is no feelings of that nature for Mike, it was just an observation).

I wish I was braver.  I wish I didn't feel like pain in my chest when you sign off mid-chat (I try to convince myself that it is merely a bad connection).  I wish I didn't wish so many things.

*sigh*

Time to put the mask back on and get back to reading about 17th Century German witchcraft...and trying to stay focused.

enchanted

these tears have your name written all over them
the trails they leave down my face scream for you
and yet, you will never know.

you say you care
you say you are not going anywhere
you say so many things

when you leave, what am I to do?
I don't doubt that you have feelings for me,
I do doubt what exactly they are

I wish I could be nonchalant about this
I wish I wasn't completely and utterly wrapped up in this
I wish you would stop breaking my heart
I wish I could stop letting you.

thank you wikipedia

"After releasing her 2010 album Speak Now, it was alleged that her song "Enchanted" was dedicated to Adam Youngof Owl City. Young responded by posting a cover of the song on February 12, 2011 via his website,^[153] adding the lines: "I was enchanted to meet you too/I was never in love with someone else, I never had somebody waiting on me/Cause you were all of my dreams come true, And I just wish you knew/Taylor, I was so in love with you."<sup>[154][155]"


I read this and it kinda made my day....it's good to know that one of my favorite songs was a story and meaning behind it that I have been imagining for quite some time.  i love you taylor swift (:</sup>