already gone

I want to be a good friend, I want to be there for you when you need me, I want to be present at all the fantastical moments in your life.  What I don't want is for you to rub salt in my wounds.  I don't want you to tell me each and every time your boy does something cute, adorable, thoughtful, &c just to have me tell you he's in to you.  YES, HE'S JUST THAT INTO YOU!! I've told you a million times, but either you like me telling you or you are that dense (which I find highly unlikely).  This, however, would mean that you enjoy torturing me, you enjoy making me feel pain, you enjoy making me wonder why I even bother.
Granted, I only have one experience to compare everything too, but I keep holding on, hoping, that was the worse it'll get - rock bottom.  I read books, watch movies, listen to music - all in the hopes that one day, it might happen to me.  I'm sure the road blocks I put in my way do not help, but still. (it also doesn't help when I get a text from him telling me he's changed his number (showing me he still has my number in his phone - even after he switched companies), he pops on my IM list, Facebook suggests I friend him, &c).
I think the best part is when just when I get over him, just when I say I'm done with it all, the sucker IMs me - or texts me - and I think: maybe, just maybe.  And I am stabbed in the heart, again.  It's never REALLY a hey, how are you doing, I miss you.  It's always a hey, how are you, I need something from you.  I think it's worse when it's an IM because then I end up waiting around to see if he has something to actually tell say to me....when really he just stops typing and I end up waiting two hours.  And then I analyze/over think shit for two more hours.  I wish I could just forget it, but then I refuse to give up on the only guy who ever seemed to like me and kinda did something about it....when really, it's all mostly in my head.
I guess it's just repeating to myself: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! he's never REALLY made an effort.  He just uses you like everybody else - because he knows what they know: I'm a sucker willing to help people when they need it.  I'm an easy sucker.  I'm a glutton for punishment.  I do it on purpose.  I can't help it.  It's who I am.  It's what I do.  And then, when my heart has been properly torn in half, I put on some music, cry a little, and then start all over again.  Rinse and repeat.

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street. Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known.

I want to ask you, did it mean anything? Did you ever care?  What was it?  I get that it was forever ago, and that I could let go, but not this part of it.  Not the part where you make me think, make me believe, that it could have been something more.  Make me think that you might have wanted to give it an honest go this time.

Instead, I'm left with this tightness in my chest, this feeling of dread, this constant wondering.  I like to think that I am a smart, brilliant person, but I cannot seem to move past this.  I cannot seem to take a step forward.  I cannot do a thing.  I hate this.  I hate this with a fiery, burning passion.  But I cannot seem to do anything about it.

When I got close enough to do something, I folded.  I gave in and listened to that stupid voice in the back of my mind; I put my heart in it and gave it a shot.....instead, I got it handed back to me in pieces.  Again.

Now, everything I see that stupid thing pop up, my heart stops.  Will I get an IM?  What will it say? Or, is it just another false alarm?  Is it just another pop up that will just go away and then come back and rinse and repeat?

I should just take it off, delete it; but I cannot.  I cannot fully admit to that enough to get rid of it.  I wish Gabe would push me a little further, would make me realise and admit to all that this is.  I wish he didn't give up on me.  I wish that we could just talk, face to face.  Maybe then, I would be able to ACTUALLY face this shit.

But I guess not....I guess I will just continue on this horrid, tortured path until something comes along....I just wish it would hurry it's ass up.  I'm so tired of this, I really am.  One day, some day...


[EDIT] instead, i spend the night watching you sign on and then sign off.....listening to taylor swift sing about my heart break

Friends just are

you shouldn't have to prove anything or pitch it.....

friends are suppose to be the people who love you because you are who you are and for no other reason.