2.26.2012
I want the best for all my friends, honestly I do. But how am I suppose to be a good friend when the guy I've completely fallen for likes my sister? How do I hang out with all of them when I don't know if I could stand seeing them as a couple? Sure, this might all be all unnecessary because he just asked her out, but I cannot help it. I cannot help thinking that they might be great together, but then I remind myself that she might not even be aware that he asked her out. Either way, it breaks my heart. After not hearing from Eugene for months, after breaking my heart and telling me he liked Elle, he breaks my heart again by asking her out. This has all really driven home the point of how insignificant I am, how unattractive I am to people who see me. This is why I never let myself feel anything for a boy, because I was afraid of this happening. What's worse is that it's my sister he likes, so I cannot really hate her or write her out of my life. Even though it just might kill me, I might have to not communicate with Eugene unless he communicates with me first. I refuse to let this really amazing person break my heart anymore. Then again, the heart wants what the heart wants and I'll probably end up completely heart broken until I find out if Elle likes Eugene back or not.... As sadistic as it sounds, I want them to be happy together, but at the same time I want him to like me. Life sucks sometimes. I really hope that something better comes along real soon for me so that I can at least take my mind off of this whole thing..... I want the best for all my friends, honestly I do. But how am I suppose to be a good friend when the guy I've completely fallen for likes my sister? How do I hang out with all of them when I don't know if I could stand seeing them as a couple? Sure, this might all be all unnecessary because he just asked her out, but I cannot help it. I cannot help thinking that they might be great together, but then I remind myself that she might not even be aware that he asked her out. Either way, it breaks my heart. After not hearing from Eugene for months, after breaking my heart and telling me he liked Elle, he breaks my heart again by asking her out. This has all really driven home the point of how insignificant I am, how unattractive I am to people who see me. This is why I never let myself feel anything for a boy, because I was afraid of this happening. What's worse is that it's my sister he likes, so I cannot really hate her or write her out of my life. Even though it just might kill me, I might have to not communicate with Eugene unless he communicates with me first. I refuse to let this really amazing person break my heart anymore. Then again, the heart wants what the heart wants and I'll probably end up completely heart broken until I find out if Elle likes Eugene back or not.... As sadistic as it sounds, I want them to be happy together, but at the same time I want him to like me. Life sucks sometimes. I really hope that something better comes along real soon for me so that I can at least take my mind off of this whole thing.....
I want the best for all my friends, honestly I do. But how am I suppose to be a good friend when the guy I've completely fallen for likes my sister? How do I hang out with all of them when I don't know if I could stand seeing them as a couple? Sure, this might all be all unnecessary because he just asked her out, but I cannot help it. I cannot help thinking that they might be great together, but then I remind myself that she might not even be aware that he asked her out. Either way, it breaks my heart. After not hearing from Eugene for months, after breaking my heart and telling me he liked Elle, he breaks my heart again by asking her out.
This has all really driven home the point of how insignificant I am, how unattractive I am to people who see me. This is why I never let myself feel anything for a boy, because I was afraid of this happening. What's worse is that it's my sister he likes, so I cannot really hate her or write her out of my life. Even though it just might kill me, I might have to not communicate with Eugene unless he communicates with me first. I refuse to let this really amazing person break my heart anymore. Then again, the heart wants what the heart wants and I'll probably end up completely heart broken until I find out if Elle likes Eugene back or not....
As sadistic as it sounds, I want them to be happy together, but at the same time I want him to like me. Life sucks sometimes. I really hope that something better comes along real soon for me so that I can at least take my mind off of this whole thing.....
11.23.2011
Lately I've been writing desperate love songs....
I mostly sing them to the wall.
I know it's been awhile, but I promised to tell you all about Jo's friend. He is actually an ex-boyfriend of Jo's - Eugene. She invited him over to hang out and I instantly took a liking to him. You those people that come into your life and really cannot imagine your life before them? Yeah, Eugene is one of those people. It's funny, I feel that subconsciously Jo knew that she and Eugene wouldn't get back together (what she was hoping for) so she wanted to introduce him to me and Elle. The first few visits, she would eventually take him to her room and we wouldn't see him until he left, but eventually she would leave him out with us and go play in her room - if I remember correctly, it was when we introduced him to Sophia that this changed.
Then, one night while we were having a girl's night (Sophia, Elle, Jo, and me), Jo had a few too many drinks and was drunk texting him Eventually I had to take over texting for her because she couldn't focus on the buttons, and I used this as an opportunity to thieve his cell number (I claimed it was because Jo's phone sucked..which is completely true too). We invited him to join us at the next place (we started at a Hawaiian themed bar and were going to head over to an Irish bar) and he did. While I ended up having to drive Jo home so Eugene (who had just gotten there) could go in and have a drink with Elle and Sohpia, I was able to make it back and have a drink with all of them. As with a previous late night chat, Eugene started talking to me about things one doesn't usually tell to new friends....especially good friends of your ex; but I didn't mind, it was nice having someone to talk to. He then said somethings that really struck me: "you're really easy to talk to" and "I probably shouldn't have told you that..." To which I thanked him and then told him that what he tells me I don't share with her and what she tells me I don't share with him (although I did let one thing slip, but that's only because I thought he knew).
After that I would text him all the time. For any reason. I feel like I should add that I do that when I meet new and interesting people and they're 'dumb' enough to give me their phone number (;P). But with Eugene I felt that there was something else Then, within a few days of them telling me that they didn't have 'those kinds of feelings for each other' and that they wouldn't be getting back together I realized what it was: I kinda had a thing for Eugene. I thought about him constantly, I wanted to spend every waking moment I could with him, if he didn't text me back for more than 24 hours I felt like it had been forever, &c. So I tried not to text him every time I thought about him, but that didn't work out so well. It was around this time that I watched the One Tree Hill episode Like You Like an Arsonist. In this episode, Brooke (played by the incomparable Sophia Bush) is seen writing a letter to Lucas (who she is currently in love with, although she won't fully admit it); she then puts said letter into a box, it is then alluded to that she spent her summer thinking about Lucas and then writing him letters to express those feelings. It was right then and there that I decided to do the same exact thing. Every time I thought about Eugene, I would write him a letter (I also decided I would not text him until he texted me first...he texted me week later to see if we were still all hanging out at my apartment). I wrote him three 4+ page letters the first day. Now, a few weeks later I am up to 13. I do not write as many as I use to, mainly because I tend to write them mostly late at night and end up falling asleep before I can finish them, so quite a few letters end up being for two or so days. Now I am not sure if I will ever be as brave as Brooke and actually give Eugene my letters, for now I'm keeping them in my top drawer in my dresser. I thought things were going well, and my crush was developing nicely - and that there might actually be a chance that he might like me back.
Then Saturday happened. I'm not sure if it was because he was a bit tipsy or what, but he whispered something to Sophia before we got back to my and Jo's apartment - neither of them would tell me. Once inside, we all hung out and had a good time (as we usually do). A little after Sophia fell asleep, Eugene and I walked Elle home. It was as I was walking him to his car that he told me: I like Elle. If I hadn't had an inkling of this, I would have been completely devastated. Instead I just said what I said to most of his previous 'confessions': I know. While I had a feeling for quite some time, I didn't want to think too much about it in case it might be true. And we talked about it for a few minutes (alongside a few other things) and I felt like I had stepped into a movie. The average girl falls for the male lead, but he falls for the girl's beautiful, confident, amazing sister; and then asks the average girl if she would help him see if this girl might like him (kinda reminds me of Love on the Side, which I had oddly enough watched a few days prior). It killed me.
I've been thinking about it quite a bit the last few days, writing letters to him, texting Sophia asking how I can be so stupid, so oblivious. And she said there where a few WTF moments for her too. So I have been composing a letter in my head for a few days, and normally I would write it in a letter to him, but this is a letter that needs to be read. This is a letter I desperately need someone to see. So here goes....
Dearest Eugene:
I don't understand you. As I sit here in my darkening apartment to the sounds of Kenny Chesney's "You and Tequila" I can't help but to think of you. You make me crazy. I understand men are suppose to make women crazy and women are crazy so they make men crazy, but I think you might have taken it to a whole new level now.
I know you say that you are the exception, that you are the nice guy. You say these things, but when you told me on Saturday that you like Elle it tore my heart it two. And to make matters worse, I had to grin and bear it for another 20-30 minutes while we chatted before you left. You tell me you like her and yet you look at me like I'm the only girl in the world and you want nothing more to stare into my eyes. You tell me things I am certain you have never told anyone else, at least not this readily or quickly anyway. You remember the things I post on Facebook and you notice when I do not text you. You not only notice when I wear my hear differently, but you compliment me on it. You stand out in the cold wee hours of the morning air and talk to me instead of getting in your car and driving home. You come join us at the bar as soon as I text you if you are able. And sure, some of these things can be attributed to Elle being present, but more often than not, this is not the case. You give me this look (I call it The Smolder) that makes me feel like you see into my inner-most self, into my soul. Maybe I've watched P.S. I Love You far too many times, but it's makes me think that's what it's like when Gerry sends out the signal to Holly that kissing her would be the end of life as he knows it; that's how I feel when you look at me. That I want to kiss you, that I want to touch you, be near you. I also feel, in that one gaze that life as I know it is perfect. YOU DON'T LOOK AT A PERSON LIKE THAT AND THEN TELL THEM YOU LIKE SOMEONE ELSE!!
You claim to be a nice guy, but you do things like this. Do you realize how confusing it is? Especially someone has prone to falling for a nice, sweet guy as I am. I mostly think I'm lolo to think that you could ever fancy me, but then I think of all of the things that you've told me over the past few weeks. I'm not crazy. And sure, I might be in denial a bit, but there is something here. You must feel something for me, or else why would you do these things? I figure if it is a 'we're just friends' thing than you would treat me like I was your sister - and with the exception of a handful of things, that's how you treat Elle.
You broke my heart and crushed my hope for you and me. That said, I nkow you cannot help who you fall in love with, love is irrational at it's core. And while I might be hurt, disappointed, &c I am not made at you. How can I be made at you for liking someone else (I can, however, be mad at you for asking me to help you)?
I haven't texted you since Sunday (at Morgan's Thanksgiving party and I'm sure that was only because I'd had a few drinks, because it hurts when I read your texts because I see your face and then I imagine your voice. I imagine your beautiful brown eyes locking gaze with mine, and how it makes me come completely unglued when you stare at me. I imagine so many things, but you completely undid it all with less than 10 words. And sure, you could say that because I never told you, that it doesn't count, it does; people should notice when they act a certain way around a person.
I miss you more than you know. I cannot stop crying. I wish you would text me, even to just say "hi" - it doesn't matter. I want to know that you're actually thinking of me. I know that it's a silly text message, but what you may not know is that by simply sending a text message to someone - boy or girl - that says something as simple as 'hey' it might just make their whole day. Hell, it might just make their week. So when a girl tells you flat out that you should text people, make sure you text her. It does matter, more than you'll probably realize.
xomandaox
So, that 's the letter. one day I might type it up and put into an envelope. And who knows, one day I might actually show it too you. One day. Until then, I'll just brood on here and on paper.
Also, please forgive spelling, it's late at night and I'm far too tired to read back through and correct any. Possibly tomorrow if I have time.
Hope y'all have a good Thanksgiving!
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"you could be the center piece of my obsession, if you would notice me at all..."
I know it's been awhile, but I promised to tell you all about Jo's friend. He is actually an ex-boyfriend of Jo's - Eugene. She invited him over to hang out and I instantly took a liking to him. You those people that come into your life and really cannot imagine your life before them? Yeah, Eugene is one of those people. It's funny, I feel that subconsciously Jo knew that she and Eugene wouldn't get back together (what she was hoping for) so she wanted to introduce him to me and Elle. The first few visits, she would eventually take him to her room and we wouldn't see him until he left, but eventually she would leave him out with us and go play in her room - if I remember correctly, it was when we introduced him to Sophia that this changed.
Then, one night while we were having a girl's night (Sophia, Elle, Jo, and me), Jo had a few too many drinks and was drunk texting him Eventually I had to take over texting for her because she couldn't focus on the buttons, and I used this as an opportunity to thieve his cell number (I claimed it was because Jo's phone sucked..which is completely true too). We invited him to join us at the next place (we started at a Hawaiian themed bar and were going to head over to an Irish bar) and he did. While I ended up having to drive Jo home so Eugene (who had just gotten there) could go in and have a drink with Elle and Sohpia, I was able to make it back and have a drink with all of them. As with a previous late night chat, Eugene started talking to me about things one doesn't usually tell to new friends....especially good friends of your ex; but I didn't mind, it was nice having someone to talk to. He then said somethings that really struck me: "you're really easy to talk to" and "I probably shouldn't have told you that..." To which I thanked him and then told him that what he tells me I don't share with her and what she tells me I don't share with him (although I did let one thing slip, but that's only because I thought he knew).
After that I would text him all the time. For any reason. I feel like I should add that I do that when I meet new and interesting people and they're 'dumb' enough to give me their phone number (;P). But with Eugene I felt that there was something else Then, within a few days of them telling me that they didn't have 'those kinds of feelings for each other' and that they wouldn't be getting back together I realized what it was: I kinda had a thing for Eugene. I thought about him constantly, I wanted to spend every waking moment I could with him, if he didn't text me back for more than 24 hours I felt like it had been forever, &c. So I tried not to text him every time I thought about him, but that didn't work out so well. It was around this time that I watched the One Tree Hill episode Like You Like an Arsonist. In this episode, Brooke (played by the incomparable Sophia Bush) is seen writing a letter to Lucas (who she is currently in love with, although she won't fully admit it); she then puts said letter into a box, it is then alluded to that she spent her summer thinking about Lucas and then writing him letters to express those feelings. It was right then and there that I decided to do the same exact thing. Every time I thought about Eugene, I would write him a letter (I also decided I would not text him until he texted me first...he texted me week later to see if we were still all hanging out at my apartment). I wrote him three 4+ page letters the first day. Now, a few weeks later I am up to 13. I do not write as many as I use to, mainly because I tend to write them mostly late at night and end up falling asleep before I can finish them, so quite a few letters end up being for two or so days. Now I am not sure if I will ever be as brave as Brooke and actually give Eugene my letters, for now I'm keeping them in my top drawer in my dresser. I thought things were going well, and my crush was developing nicely - and that there might actually be a chance that he might like me back.
Then Saturday happened. I'm not sure if it was because he was a bit tipsy or what, but he whispered something to Sophia before we got back to my and Jo's apartment - neither of them would tell me. Once inside, we all hung out and had a good time (as we usually do). A little after Sophia fell asleep, Eugene and I walked Elle home. It was as I was walking him to his car that he told me: I like Elle. If I hadn't had an inkling of this, I would have been completely devastated. Instead I just said what I said to most of his previous 'confessions': I know. While I had a feeling for quite some time, I didn't want to think too much about it in case it might be true. And we talked about it for a few minutes (alongside a few other things) and I felt like I had stepped into a movie. The average girl falls for the male lead, but he falls for the girl's beautiful, confident, amazing sister; and then asks the average girl if she would help him see if this girl might like him (kinda reminds me of Love on the Side, which I had oddly enough watched a few days prior). It killed me.
I've been thinking about it quite a bit the last few days, writing letters to him, texting Sophia asking how I can be so stupid, so oblivious. And she said there where a few WTF moments for her too. So I have been composing a letter in my head for a few days, and normally I would write it in a letter to him, but this is a letter that needs to be read. This is a letter I desperately need someone to see. So here goes....
Dearest Eugene:
I don't understand you. As I sit here in my darkening apartment to the sounds of Kenny Chesney's "You and Tequila" I can't help but to think of you. You make me crazy. I understand men are suppose to make women crazy and women are crazy so they make men crazy, but I think you might have taken it to a whole new level now.
I know you say that you are the exception, that you are the nice guy. You say these things, but when you told me on Saturday that you like Elle it tore my heart it two. And to make matters worse, I had to grin and bear it for another 20-30 minutes while we chatted before you left. You tell me you like her and yet you look at me like I'm the only girl in the world and you want nothing more to stare into my eyes. You tell me things I am certain you have never told anyone else, at least not this readily or quickly anyway. You remember the things I post on Facebook and you notice when I do not text you. You not only notice when I wear my hear differently, but you compliment me on it. You stand out in the cold wee hours of the morning air and talk to me instead of getting in your car and driving home. You come join us at the bar as soon as I text you if you are able. And sure, some of these things can be attributed to Elle being present, but more often than not, this is not the case. You give me this look (I call it The Smolder) that makes me feel like you see into my inner-most self, into my soul. Maybe I've watched P.S. I Love You far too many times, but it's makes me think that's what it's like when Gerry sends out the signal to Holly that kissing her would be the end of life as he knows it; that's how I feel when you look at me. That I want to kiss you, that I want to touch you, be near you. I also feel, in that one gaze that life as I know it is perfect. YOU DON'T LOOK AT A PERSON LIKE THAT AND THEN TELL THEM YOU LIKE SOMEONE ELSE!!
You claim to be a nice guy, but you do things like this. Do you realize how confusing it is? Especially someone has prone to falling for a nice, sweet guy as I am. I mostly think I'm lolo to think that you could ever fancy me, but then I think of all of the things that you've told me over the past few weeks. I'm not crazy. And sure, I might be in denial a bit, but there is something here. You must feel something for me, or else why would you do these things? I figure if it is a 'we're just friends' thing than you would treat me like I was your sister - and with the exception of a handful of things, that's how you treat Elle.
You broke my heart and crushed my hope for you and me. That said, I nkow you cannot help who you fall in love with, love is irrational at it's core. And while I might be hurt, disappointed, &c I am not made at you. How can I be made at you for liking someone else (I can, however, be mad at you for asking me to help you)?
I haven't texted you since Sunday (at Morgan's Thanksgiving party and I'm sure that was only because I'd had a few drinks, because it hurts when I read your texts because I see your face and then I imagine your voice. I imagine your beautiful brown eyes locking gaze with mine, and how it makes me come completely unglued when you stare at me. I imagine so many things, but you completely undid it all with less than 10 words. And sure, you could say that because I never told you, that it doesn't count, it does; people should notice when they act a certain way around a person.
I miss you more than you know. I cannot stop crying. I wish you would text me, even to just say "hi" - it doesn't matter. I want to know that you're actually thinking of me. I know that it's a silly text message, but what you may not know is that by simply sending a text message to someone - boy or girl - that says something as simple as 'hey' it might just make their whole day. Hell, it might just make their week. So when a girl tells you flat out that you should text people, make sure you text her. It does matter, more than you'll probably realize.
xomandaox
So, that 's the letter. one day I might type it up and put into an envelope. And who knows, one day I might actually show it too you. One day. Until then, I'll just brood on here and on paper.
Also, please forgive spelling, it's late at night and I'm far too tired to read back through and correct any. Possibly tomorrow if I have time.
Hope y'all have a good Thanksgiving!
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"you could be the center piece of my obsession, if you would notice me at all..."
10.18.2011
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I have started a new endeavor, I have decided to try to sell some of the things I make; people keep telling me how good they are, now lets see if they are good enough for people to want to buy them. My blog for this adventure is: http://alohaforlife.blogspot.com/.
A part of me is a little unsure of posting my new blog site here because I want to make sure the two accounts are very much kept separate. This is a place where I can say what I feel, where I can express myself and not really worry about offending someone, where I can be me. That said, I think some of my things are quite cool and I think I will have to start going outside my comfort zone if I really want to do this things successfully.
Hopefully this goes well....
Lately I have had trouble sleeping.
Morgan's cousin is in the hospital for heart trouble and today she told me that she's now that 'ah-ha' moment where you realize that most things that people stress about in life do not really matter. You either pass the test or you don't, it's nothing to kill yourself over. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you lead a good life, are nice to other people, and you felt love at least once in your life; if you fail a class, miss a test, forget to turn in a homework assignment, or ditch a class, in the grand scheme of things, it's merely a minor speed beep in the highway of life. There are more important things in life.
I told you about Morgan's story because it's a similar to why I haven't been sleeping well, I think. I am having so much trouble trying to find motivation to stay on track and put my all into this final semester, but when your dad has stage IV prostate cancer and you really do not know how much longer he has to live, it's hard to care too much about something as trivial as school - especially when I still do not know what I am going to do after I graduate. I have told my dad, and most people, that I will be trying to get into the Multiple Subject Credential Program so I can teach Elementary School, but I am really in no rush.
I was thinking about it the other day, and I really do not like getting up early - which is a bad thing when you are a school teacher. Maybe I will get an office job to pay the bills and then spend my free time doing what I want. I do not know. I never thought past college, I'm not entirely sure why. I guess I have been in school so long that I figured that whatever I was suppose to do after college would present itself as I neared the end of school. But, unfortunately, this is not the case. But who know, something still might present itself - school is not over for another few months.
I guess now it's time for bed. The only way I found to actually fall asleep is to wait until I cannot keep my eyes open any longer and then go to bed; unfortunately, it has lead to me not quite getting up on time. Hopefully I can get this settled out.
Oh man, I was going to talk about Jo's friend, but I guess it will have to wait until next time.
Oyasuminasai and pleasant dreams.
A part of me is a little unsure of posting my new blog site here because I want to make sure the two accounts are very much kept separate. This is a place where I can say what I feel, where I can express myself and not really worry about offending someone, where I can be me. That said, I think some of my things are quite cool and I think I will have to start going outside my comfort zone if I really want to do this things successfully.
Hopefully this goes well....
Lately I have had trouble sleeping.
Morgan's cousin is in the hospital for heart trouble and today she told me that she's now that 'ah-ha' moment where you realize that most things that people stress about in life do not really matter. You either pass the test or you don't, it's nothing to kill yourself over. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you lead a good life, are nice to other people, and you felt love at least once in your life; if you fail a class, miss a test, forget to turn in a homework assignment, or ditch a class, in the grand scheme of things, it's merely a minor speed beep in the highway of life. There are more important things in life.
I told you about Morgan's story because it's a similar to why I haven't been sleeping well, I think. I am having so much trouble trying to find motivation to stay on track and put my all into this final semester, but when your dad has stage IV prostate cancer and you really do not know how much longer he has to live, it's hard to care too much about something as trivial as school - especially when I still do not know what I am going to do after I graduate. I have told my dad, and most people, that I will be trying to get into the Multiple Subject Credential Program so I can teach Elementary School, but I am really in no rush.
I was thinking about it the other day, and I really do not like getting up early - which is a bad thing when you are a school teacher. Maybe I will get an office job to pay the bills and then spend my free time doing what I want. I do not know. I never thought past college, I'm not entirely sure why. I guess I have been in school so long that I figured that whatever I was suppose to do after college would present itself as I neared the end of school. But, unfortunately, this is not the case. But who know, something still might present itself - school is not over for another few months.
I guess now it's time for bed. The only way I found to actually fall asleep is to wait until I cannot keep my eyes open any longer and then go to bed; unfortunately, it has lead to me not quite getting up on time. Hopefully I can get this settled out.
Oh man, I was going to talk about Jo's friend, but I guess it will have to wait until next time.
Oyasuminasai and pleasant dreams.
8.14.2011
7.18.2011
But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go with it?
(from post secret)
(believe it or not, I use to think I wouldn't be able to survive if Gabe wasn't in my life. And while it's not easy, I know know that I can do; it's not as difficult as I thought it would be.)
I have been messaging Gabe on and off since he decided that I wasn't meeting his expectations and I wasn't matching his speed, trying to get my friend back. It was polite conversation starters, things to kind of ease our way back into being friends; but apparently that's not possible.I never really understood why you cannot be friends with someone when the romantic stuff does not go where you thought it would. I figured that if it's someone that you randomly meet and are only with for a short time, then it's up to those involved; but if you have known this person for quite a length of time, where quite involved with each other's lives, had a major history - how do you just walk away from that? How do you just decide that because the romantic aspect didn't work out that you have to cut that person out of your life completely?
I'm sure that someone somewhere is screaming at the screen all the reasons why someone would just make a clean break and walk away, but they just don't seem rational or real to me. Then again, being the person I am, I can figure out the rational for it.
Well then maybe it's just my situation, maybe it's just Gabe. Maybe I just cannot stand to loose another person who I have cared deeply about for years; maybe I refuse to let another good person walk out of my life because they think I'm not good enough - I am. Sure it might not be the way they wanted or thought, but I am good enough.
Many might make the argument that being around a former romantic interest might/could/would/is awkward, I saw: it's only as awkward as you both make it. Sure, initially, it might be a little odd, but if the friendship is truly worth it everything will fall into place. It will work out.
While there are times where a person really should just throw in the towel and call it day, this is one of those things that I don't think is over. Sure it didn't work out, it didn't have the right fit; but that just means that it's time to try something different. I know we can't go back to how things were - I wouldn't want to anyway, that would be anti-progress. That would be a waste. Why can't we just go forward? Sure it might be awkward at first, but words on a screen might help relieve that. A simple conversation about some former Brown Coat rebels might just give us that possibility. Instead you act like a pretentious smart ass.
One day I hope Gabe realizes that he's personally destroying what could be a fantastic friendship because he's to pig-headed. Or maybe he's scared. I just don't know; but I do know that soon I'm going to have an epiphany and I am going to go forward and never look back. While that might sound all self-assured, impowered, confident, whatever, it's not - it's what I am going to tell myself so that I can protect my poor heart from someone else I decided to let in because I thought they would take care of my heart - not destroy it a little more.
(Taken from SF-1)
I still would rather have him in my life than out of it....
go on and try to tear me down
If you really think about it, nothing good can come of five words strung together:
it's not you, it's me
it's not gonna work out
i don't love you anymore
i can't do this anymore
there's nothing we can do
we've tried everything, I'm sorry
it spread to the bones
------------------------------------
I have a problem: when things get too hard, I just stop. I would say I quit, but that requires actions; what I do is literally cease all action, stop advancing. I make myself as stationary as possible. I cease to be.
what's worse: I make it so that no one will notice - and those who do, I pull away from. I cannot stand to have people see me for the failure that I actually am, even though I wish someone would notice. It's a strange, terrible, awful, vicious circle of emotions.
then, just when I think it cannot get worse, the universe decides to throw one more crazy ass curve ball my way. And because of this goddamn curve ball, i haven't slept properly for almost a week. I haven't not cried myself to sleep every night. I haven't not felt this feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.
what's worse, is the second person I wanted to talk to after this terrible news (after Sophia of course) was Gabe...who is currently not talking to me - and I have not clue as to why. I miss my friend, but I have finally reached that point where i realized that not only did he treat me like shit, but he lied to me. He swore he would always be my friend first and foremost. To use Lizzy's words: some friend he is. He leaves the state in just over a month and after two months of pretty much not communications it's quite clear that he has no desire in maintaining our friendship if anyway, shape or form.
-----------------------
Lately, I find myself thinking this a lot...
I find that I never really thought about getting married, but that he might be there to walk me down the aisle.
I find that I have no idea if I want to have kids or not, but he might not be there to see his grandkids.
I find that a lot of things I never put much stock into (mostly because, "I got time") I am not thinking a lot about. I find that I'm finding out a lot about what I truly want from life that I never really knew I wanted.
I have also found that I can be a strong, brave person outside my room.....but once I close the door and turn off the lights, the tears and the feelings of hopelessness, depression, inadequacy, and other sad-faced emotions come on in, uninvited.
and then it hits me:sometimes the limits of my own selfishness seems to know NO bounds:/
it's not you, it's me
it's not gonna work out
i don't love you anymore
i can't do this anymore
there's nothing we can do
we've tried everything, I'm sorry
it spread to the bones
------------------------------------
I have a problem: when things get too hard, I just stop. I would say I quit, but that requires actions; what I do is literally cease all action, stop advancing. I make myself as stationary as possible. I cease to be.
what's worse: I make it so that no one will notice - and those who do, I pull away from. I cannot stand to have people see me for the failure that I actually am, even though I wish someone would notice. It's a strange, terrible, awful, vicious circle of emotions.
then, just when I think it cannot get worse, the universe decides to throw one more crazy ass curve ball my way. And because of this goddamn curve ball, i haven't slept properly for almost a week. I haven't not cried myself to sleep every night. I haven't not felt this feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.
what's worse, is the second person I wanted to talk to after this terrible news (after Sophia of course) was Gabe...who is currently not talking to me - and I have not clue as to why. I miss my friend, but I have finally reached that point where i realized that not only did he treat me like shit, but he lied to me. He swore he would always be my friend first and foremost. To use Lizzy's words: some friend he is. He leaves the state in just over a month and after two months of pretty much not communications it's quite clear that he has no desire in maintaining our friendship if anyway, shape or form.
(*stolen from SF-1* it just fit my frame of mind for so many things)
it hurts so bad, but i have to adopt elle and sophia's attitude of not caring about those who could careless about me. And while I am incapable of FULLY adopting this, I must try to in some way because one can only deal with so much heartbreak at a time.-----------------------
I find that I never really thought about getting married, but that he might be there to walk me down the aisle.
I find that I have no idea if I want to have kids or not, but he might not be there to see his grandkids.
I find that a lot of things I never put much stock into (mostly because, "I got time") I am not thinking a lot about. I find that I'm finding out a lot about what I truly want from life that I never really knew I wanted.
I have also found that I can be a strong, brave person outside my room.....but once I close the door and turn off the lights, the tears and the feelings of hopelessness, depression, inadequacy, and other sad-faced emotions come on in, uninvited.
and then it hits me:sometimes the limits of my own selfishness seems to know NO bounds:/
5.15.2011
I'm really just a loser who's getting in your way....
Sometimes music says what we cannot...this is one of those times.
I want you to fight for me. I want you to want me because I am me (I don't buy that you already do...). I want you to not have so many expectations for something that has not even gotten off the ground.
I wish you hadn't killed this before it every really had a chance....
Sure, I'm just as imperfect as you. Sure, I failed to meet all of the expectations you had for me. Sure, when you look at it, I failed.
But I think you forget how big this all is/was for me. I think you forget just how fast we moved. I think you forget every time we set up a date, YOU canceled on ME. EVERY TIME.
A large part of me is heart broken and utterly devastated over the fact that you gave up on us before you ever really gave it a chance, but then a small part of me (the part that always hold on to hope, no matter how dire the situation is) keeps telling the rest of me that you've said this before. You've walked away before. You've destroyed me before. And you come back; you make it alright. Until you do it again. Rinse and Repeat.
But this time, I'm telling myself it's different. This time you decided the day before finals week started to end it. You decided that the day before the most stressful week of my LIFE to break my heart and walk away. You decided that not only would you take away someone I deeply care for, but you also take away my friend - the person who makes me smile when I just want to give up completely on life and everything.
We might not have been perfect and we might not have lasted forever, but why couldn't we just enjoy the short time we had together? Why couldn't you give what could have been a chance? Why do you turn my world upside-down and then, just as I find the ground again, you pull the rug out from under me?
Why do you make it impossible to hate you?
Why do I let you slowly destroy me?
You and I, we were standing watching us fall apart
So let me go and move along
I think you're mistaken, I'm sorry to say
I'm really just a loser who's getting in your way
I think you've forgotten all of your plans
See I never meant to be here and I think you should know
You're better off alone
I want you to fight for me. I want you to want me because I am me (I don't buy that you already do...). I want you to not have so many expectations for something that has not even gotten off the ground.
I wish you hadn't killed this before it every really had a chance....
Sure, I'm just as imperfect as you. Sure, I failed to meet all of the expectations you had for me. Sure, when you look at it, I failed.
But I think you forget how big this all is/was for me. I think you forget just how fast we moved. I think you forget every time we set up a date, YOU canceled on ME. EVERY TIME.
A large part of me is heart broken and utterly devastated over the fact that you gave up on us before you ever really gave it a chance, but then a small part of me (the part that always hold on to hope, no matter how dire the situation is) keeps telling the rest of me that you've said this before. You've walked away before. You've destroyed me before. And you come back; you make it alright. Until you do it again. Rinse and Repeat.
But this time, I'm telling myself it's different. This time you decided the day before finals week started to end it. You decided that the day before the most stressful week of my LIFE to break my heart and walk away. You decided that not only would you take away someone I deeply care for, but you also take away my friend - the person who makes me smile when I just want to give up completely on life and everything.
We might not have been perfect and we might not have lasted forever, but why couldn't we just enjoy the short time we had together? Why couldn't you give what could have been a chance? Why do you turn my world upside-down and then, just as I find the ground again, you pull the rug out from under me?
Why do you make it impossible to hate you?
Why do I let you slowly destroy me?
5.03.2011
like a river flows to the sea...
Today my coworker Mike was working at his old job (covering for a friend) and he sent a smoothie back for me with Lizzy (my other coworker) and it honestly make my day. Then it hit me: I can't even get Gabe to text me most days much less actually see him - but this guy I work with actually asked Lizzy if I was working and then sent me a smoothie. It should be said that the end of the semester is quickly approaching so both Gabe and I are insanely busy trying to finish up school work; but he also said he was willing to make an effort to see me. I wish I could remind him that he doesn't have to work even a quarter that hard: if you text me during the day I will be completely happy. I'm easy - I can't help it, it's just my nature. (and no, there is no feelings of that nature for Mike, it was just an observation).
I wish I was braver. I wish I didn't feel like pain in my chest when you sign off mid-chat (I try to convince myself that it is merely a bad connection). I wish I didn't wish so many things.
*sigh*
Time to put the mask back on and get back to reading about 17th Century German witchcraft...and trying to stay focused.
I wish I was braver. I wish I didn't feel like pain in my chest when you sign off mid-chat (I try to convince myself that it is merely a bad connection). I wish I didn't wish so many things.
*sigh*
Time to put the mask back on and get back to reading about 17th Century German witchcraft...and trying to stay focused.
5.02.2011
enchanted
these tears have your name written all over them
the trails they leave down my face scream for you
and yet, you will never know.
you say you care
you say you are not going anywhere
you say so many things
when you leave, what am I to do?
I don't doubt that you have feelings for me,
I do doubt what exactly they are
I wish I could be nonchalant about this
I wish I wasn't completely and utterly wrapped up in this
I wish you would stop breaking my heart
I wish I could stop letting you.
the trails they leave down my face scream for you
and yet, you will never know.
you say you care
you say you are not going anywhere
you say so many things
when you leave, what am I to do?
I don't doubt that you have feelings for me,
I do doubt what exactly they are
I wish I could be nonchalant about this
I wish I wasn't completely and utterly wrapped up in this
I wish you would stop breaking my heart
I wish I could stop letting you.
thank you wikipedia
"After releasing her 2010 album Speak Now, it was alleged that her song "Enchanted" was dedicated to Adam Youngof Owl City. Young responded by posting a cover of the song on February 12, 2011 via his website,[153] adding the lines: "I was enchanted to meet you too/I was never in love with someone else, I never had somebody waiting on me/Cause you were all of my dreams come true, And I just wish you knew/Taylor, I was so in love with you."[154][155]"
I read this and it kinda made my day....it's good to know that one of my favorite songs was a story and meaning behind it that I have been imagining for quite some time. i love you taylor swift (:
I read this and it kinda made my day....it's good to know that one of my favorite songs was a story and meaning behind it that I have been imagining for quite some time. i love you taylor swift (:
4.13.2011
Hope
I want everybody to feel beautiful and loved.
I want to make a difference in the amount of depressed individuals in the world.
My secret? I'm completely depressed and wish I could feel beautiful and loved.
If I can't then I want to make sure everybody else can, because they all deserve happiness.
I want to make a difference in the amount of depressed individuals in the world.
My secret? I'm completely depressed and wish I could feel beautiful and loved.
If I can't then I want to make sure everybody else can, because they all deserve happiness.
Apr 4, 2011 @ 2:00 am by Confused – Hope
what's interesting is that this is under the Hope section.....
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
for the last new nights i dreamed, the reality questioning kind of dreams. but then you were there, it's like you knew i needed you to be there to hold me. to let me feel safe. you were there for me.
then i woke up, and you were gone. but i guess if you can be there for me in my dreams, that is all i can ask for - because at least you are with me...
I want to feel you
I wore a cross today. For the first time in a few years, I wore a cross.
People who pass by me probably think I am just professing my faith. Showing the world that I believe in god. Letting people make certain assumptions about me.
And they would be wrong - for the most part.
I am going through what some people might call a crisis of faith. I use to have such a devout belief, this unwavering faith. In a way, I guess I still do - it's just different. I still believe in grace, I still have faith, I still have hope, I still have beliefs, they are just different.
Sometimes I wish I could somehow have that unwavering faith again, that unquestioning belief in something. I wish I could be that person I was so many years ago; the little 9 year old girl who asked her parents if we could go to church because I wanted to. Not this jaded 20 something who wants so bad to believe but feels like that would make me a hypocrite; not this weary and worn 20 something who has seen what church can do to people, how people who are suppose to be 'christian' (whatever that means) can lie, steal, cheat, and harm other people. Sure, there are people all over the world who are saying that their religion is better than everyone else's, who are protesting funerals, who are putting so much HATE out into a world that is already full of it. That's not what I'm talking about, that has no real impact on me because I don't know them. I talking about the people from my church, the people I chose to surround myself with - those people. The people who betrayed my trust, who hurt people for their own personal gain, who were just awful human beings all the while wearing their cross necklaces, carrying their bibles, singing their hymns, and telling people that they would pray for them/keep them in their prayers.
I am the kind of person who will hold onto hope, who will look for the best in people always; but for some reason I just cannot seem to do this. I have lost something that I use to feel was so dear to me; and sure, I still believe some of the same things but it's just in the universe - not in a single thing anymore. And I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it. I cannot put my full trust and heart into something like this no matter how much I want to - it's an internal war.
And I'm losing...
(and I wore the cross because of where it came from, the things it reminds me of, the people it reminds me of, the person I was and might one day be again....)
People who pass by me probably think I am just professing my faith. Showing the world that I believe in god. Letting people make certain assumptions about me.
And they would be wrong - for the most part.
I am going through what some people might call a crisis of faith. I use to have such a devout belief, this unwavering faith. In a way, I guess I still do - it's just different. I still believe in grace, I still have faith, I still have hope, I still have beliefs, they are just different.
Sometimes I wish I could somehow have that unwavering faith again, that unquestioning belief in something. I wish I could be that person I was so many years ago; the little 9 year old girl who asked her parents if we could go to church because I wanted to. Not this jaded 20 something who wants so bad to believe but feels like that would make me a hypocrite; not this weary and worn 20 something who has seen what church can do to people, how people who are suppose to be 'christian' (whatever that means) can lie, steal, cheat, and harm other people. Sure, there are people all over the world who are saying that their religion is better than everyone else's, who are protesting funerals, who are putting so much HATE out into a world that is already full of it. That's not what I'm talking about, that has no real impact on me because I don't know them. I talking about the people from my church, the people I chose to surround myself with - those people. The people who betrayed my trust, who hurt people for their own personal gain, who were just awful human beings all the while wearing their cross necklaces, carrying their bibles, singing their hymns, and telling people that they would pray for them/keep them in their prayers.
I am the kind of person who will hold onto hope, who will look for the best in people always; but for some reason I just cannot seem to do this. I have lost something that I use to feel was so dear to me; and sure, I still believe some of the same things but it's just in the universe - not in a single thing anymore. And I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it. I cannot put my full trust and heart into something like this no matter how much I want to - it's an internal war.
And I'm losing...
(and I wore the cross because of where it came from, the things it reminds me of, the people it reminds me of, the person I was and might one day be again....)
4.12.2011
vivir es parte de un sueño...
i love spanish music...everything about it. there are a few songs that i listen to when i'm happy/in a good mood, but most of the time i listen to it when i'm sad. there is something about the spanish language that expresses feelings in ways that the english language can only dream of....
cuando el dia termina en silencio
a mi almohada le cuento el dolor
que mis lagrimas llevan por dentro
como espejo reflejan mi voz
i never told you....
because i was afraid of this, i was afraid that you would say exactly what you said. i was afraid that it would be over before it ever really had a chance to start. i was afraid that all this trying was for nothing...that no matter how much i tried to fix the problem, it wouldn't matter because i would tell you and that would be it.
and it seems that is exactly what happened. game over. i lose. again.
[EDIT: and no where is safe....]
and it seems that is exactly what happened. game over. i lose. again.
[EDIT: and no where is safe....]
4.06.2011
dreams collide
I didn't realize how big a part of my life you are until right this minute....when I stumbled upon something completely unbeknownst to me (and shouldn't be that big a deal..... but kinda is). Huff N Puff :/
3.31.2011
Take those dreams and make them all come true....
While I might not be a cutter, The Butterfly Project has had a DEEP impact on me recently.
I was on this website called six billion secrets and there is so much hurt, pain, &c in so many people so young; I sit here reading some of their secrets, and I just cry and my heart breaks (one of the biggest reason - because I feel like so many of them could be mine..). It was not until I was about a hundred or so pages in when The Butterfly Project was mentioned; so being ever the curious person, I went in search of more information.
And did I find it...
It was at this point that I realized that this idea didn't just relate to cutting - it related to so much more. It is the basic idea that when you need that bit of inspiration, that little voice to remind you that 'this too shall pass' you draw a butterfly. While most people will put names with their butterflies, I have noticed a few who will put messages or words of encouragement.
FAITH
HOPE
BELIEVE
SURVIVOR
STAY STRONG
DON'T KILL THE BUTTERFLY
LIVE*LOVE*LAUGH*LIFE
::HOW MANY WEEKS SINCE THEY LAST CUT::
FOR ALL OF YOU
It's mind boggling to think about how many people actually cut themselves, cause harm to themselves, to escape from reality, to have that bit of control. I think sometimes it seems like the world is slipping out from under you and you completely lose all control - you have to do something.
It is unfortunate and awful that stuff like this happens, but I think that the fact that there are things like The Butterfly Project, that there are support groups, that there are people surviving this is a sign of HOPE. This too shall pass; this will get better; life might really suck right now, but you WILL get through it and move forward and be stronger because of it.
Now the point of this: I have joined the ranks of the butterfliers. Whenever I feel sad or discouraged or like giving up, I will draw a butterfly somewhere on me. I hope to one day have my own permanent butterfly to remind myself of the journey that I am embarking (have been embarking) on; but for now it will merely be ink. They will be there for me, they will serve their purpose and then fade away; and hopefully as each one fades it will not be replaced so readily.
As I get ready to start this new chapter of my life, I am going in with eyes wide open, taking charge, and proving that with the right motivation and determination and will power, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
I was on this website called six billion secrets and there is so much hurt, pain, &c in so many people so young; I sit here reading some of their secrets, and I just cry and my heart breaks (one of the biggest reason - because I feel like so many of them could be mine..). It was not until I was about a hundred or so pages in when The Butterfly Project was mentioned; so being ever the curious person, I went in search of more information.
And did I find it...
THE RULES:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you've killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.
7. Even if you don't cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help. =]
It was at this point that I realized that this idea didn't just relate to cutting - it related to so much more. It is the basic idea that when you need that bit of inspiration, that little voice to remind you that 'this too shall pass' you draw a butterfly. While most people will put names with their butterflies, I have noticed a few who will put messages or words of encouragement.FAITH
HOPE
BELIEVE
SURVIVOR
STAY STRONG
DON'T KILL THE BUTTERFLY
LIVE*LOVE*LAUGH*LIFE
::HOW MANY WEEKS SINCE THEY LAST CUT::
FOR ALL OF YOU
It's mind boggling to think about how many people actually cut themselves, cause harm to themselves, to escape from reality, to have that bit of control. I think sometimes it seems like the world is slipping out from under you and you completely lose all control - you have to do something.
It is unfortunate and awful that stuff like this happens, but I think that the fact that there are things like The Butterfly Project, that there are support groups, that there are people surviving this is a sign of HOPE. This too shall pass; this will get better; life might really suck right now, but you WILL get through it and move forward and be stronger because of it.Now the point of this: I have joined the ranks of the butterfliers. Whenever I feel sad or discouraged or like giving up, I will draw a butterfly somewhere on me. I hope to one day have my own permanent butterfly to remind myself of the journey that I am embarking (have been embarking) on; but for now it will merely be ink. They will be there for me, they will serve their purpose and then fade away; and hopefully as each one fades it will not be replaced so readily.
As I get ready to start this new chapter of my life, I am going in with eyes wide open, taking charge, and proving that with the right motivation and determination and will power, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to mewhile you may not sing to me, you talk me through things; you give me the confidence and motivation to know that i CAN in fact do this - and I will be eternally grateful because of it ::hearts::
3.30.2011
Life's not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath awayHow do you live life when you're constantly afriad? Afraid of change? Afraid of missing out? How do you get through the days? Sure, breathing is a good first step, but eventually that can lead to hyperventalating (which is bad; so I'm told).
How can you live in reality when you're always stuck in a fantastical world?
the stakes are high, the water's rough...
After a very long, very important conversation with Gabe last night, I realized that a few things needed to change so that I will actually succeed. I started out simple - small things like putting inspirational messages on my mirror and changing my blog - and I will work up towards the bigger things.
While Gabe issued me a challenge, and I know he is already working on a challenge of his own, I plan to also keep him accountable. I will work on my stuff and blow him away with how fantastic I will be, but he will have to do the same. I am not sure if I am going to let him in on this personal things of mine; but then again, if he still reads this, he'll know. Maybe that's what it will be - written here and simply put into practice.
Last night I started to shape my plan, I cannot wait for it to start, but I have given myself until 04 April to get everything in order and officially start. From then on, it will be all me; although I might enlist Jo's help - that's what roomies are for, right??
I realize that this is all very vague, but I am not entirely sure how much of this I want to put into to words - especially so early on. I might simply make a note of it and then when the time is right, put it here. That part is kind of up in the air; but I am sure of one thing right now: I have found my motivation, I just need to get going - get started.
[EDIT] 05/02: Elle is right...I'm a great planner, but I have no follow through. I guess it's kinda hard to have follow through when you can no longer comprehend why you started in the first place...
While Gabe issued me a challenge, and I know he is already working on a challenge of his own, I plan to also keep him accountable. I will work on my stuff and blow him away with how fantastic I will be, but he will have to do the same. I am not sure if I am going to let him in on this personal things of mine; but then again, if he still reads this, he'll know. Maybe that's what it will be - written here and simply put into practice.
Last night I started to shape my plan, I cannot wait for it to start, but I have given myself until 04 April to get everything in order and officially start. From then on, it will be all me; although I might enlist Jo's help - that's what roomies are for, right??
I realize that this is all very vague, but I am not entirely sure how much of this I want to put into to words - especially so early on. I might simply make a note of it and then when the time is right, put it here. That part is kind of up in the air; but I am sure of one thing right now: I have found my motivation, I just need to get going - get started.
[EDIT] 05/02: Elle is right...I'm a great planner, but I have no follow through. I guess it's kinda hard to have follow through when you can no longer comprehend why you started in the first place...
fuckin' perfect
I wish you knew that all the questions I ask mean that I'm getting ready to take the leap - but I guess it's too late; I've missed the last plane. I might loose one of my bestest friends, but i've decided it's worth it; that if she really loves me like she says she does, she'll still be there if I need her.
You issue me challenges and then you back down.
I come out and tell you exactly what I've been trying to tell you.
Then it's over...
The bungy chord snaps and i'm headed straight towards a dry river bed with no way of stopping.
Just loverly.
You issue me challenges and then you back down.
I come out and tell you exactly what I've been trying to tell you.
Then it's over...
The bungy chord snaps and i'm headed straight towards a dry river bed with no way of stopping.
Just loverly.
3.29.2011
Gather up your tears; keep them in your pocket
Sometimes I wish I had an eating disorder that made me skinny instead of fat. Sometimes I wish I had the commitment to cut myself. Sometimes I wish I could just pop a few pills and be happy.
While most people will never put anything like that out there I will, because I know it will never happen. And it might seem foolish or stupid to say that but I know it's the truth. You know why? Because I am too lazy and I really don't care enough.
I love food to much to not eat and I'm too frugal to buy and eat food just to throw it up. I don't have a need to release pain or inflict pain on myself. I have no desire to pop pills every day - I can barely remember to take my vitamins (I only do now because they are fruit snack/gummy vitamins).
I guess that is my down fall, I love food, I seek solace in it, and I am just drifting through life. I have no plans, no next step, no goals. I'm just focusing on graduating and after that, well, I have no idea. I guess a part of me just figures that whatever is meant to be will happen by then. I think I have far too much faith in the universe; or I PUT far too much fate in the universe.
If I were to really sit down and think about it, I think I would come to one of two conclusions. One, nothing has every really been expected of me - my dad was surprised that I graduated high school! - so I never really try; I just kind of coast through life. Two, I have been in school so long I am ready for a break; sure most people I know take a few years off to earn money to go back to school to reach their end goal, but I think I might like to just work for a bit and see how that goes for me; then maybe reevaluate. I think that whatever I am meant to do for the rest of my life will come to me by then, I really am putting too much faith in the universe...
I guess since this blog has taken on a confession sort of style, I might as well finish it out with a few more. I have recently realized that most of the things I appear to be are false: I am in fact not a very good friend (so to speak), I am quite selfish, I spend WAY too much time talking about myself, I complain a lot (and also forget to mention the good and positive things). I wish I could be a better person, a better friend, someone who people would be proud to call their friend (or just someone they could call to talk to &c).
That's enough self loathing and self hating for tonight....although I foresee a few more in the future, unfortunately. beh
While most people will never put anything like that out there I will, because I know it will never happen. And it might seem foolish or stupid to say that but I know it's the truth. You know why? Because I am too lazy and I really don't care enough.
I love food to much to not eat and I'm too frugal to buy and eat food just to throw it up. I don't have a need to release pain or inflict pain on myself. I have no desire to pop pills every day - I can barely remember to take my vitamins (I only do now because they are fruit snack/gummy vitamins).
I guess that is my down fall, I love food, I seek solace in it, and I am just drifting through life. I have no plans, no next step, no goals. I'm just focusing on graduating and after that, well, I have no idea. I guess a part of me just figures that whatever is meant to be will happen by then. I think I have far too much faith in the universe; or I PUT far too much fate in the universe.
If I were to really sit down and think about it, I think I would come to one of two conclusions. One, nothing has every really been expected of me - my dad was surprised that I graduated high school! - so I never really try; I just kind of coast through life. Two, I have been in school so long I am ready for a break; sure most people I know take a few years off to earn money to go back to school to reach their end goal, but I think I might like to just work for a bit and see how that goes for me; then maybe reevaluate. I think that whatever I am meant to do for the rest of my life will come to me by then, I really am putting too much faith in the universe...
I guess since this blog has taken on a confession sort of style, I might as well finish it out with a few more. I have recently realized that most of the things I appear to be are false: I am in fact not a very good friend (so to speak), I am quite selfish, I spend WAY too much time talking about myself, I complain a lot (and also forget to mention the good and positive things). I wish I could be a better person, a better friend, someone who people would be proud to call their friend (or just someone they could call to talk to &c).
That's enough self loathing and self hating for tonight....although I foresee a few more in the future, unfortunately. beh
My heart says "no", my lips say "fine"
me: hello floor
floor: **leaves suddenly**
me: le shit! **starts falling through space**
le crap
floor: **leaves suddenly**
me: le shit! **starts falling through space**
le crap
3.27.2011
it's all uncharted
I haven't slept in almost 30 hours because I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid of having dreams that feel so damn real that I have to seriously think about which was a dream and which is reality. I am afraid that I am setting myself up for a big ass crash landing.
The Boy tells me really sweet, amazing, lovely things that no one has ever said to me before. The Boy who has only slept 12 hours over three days stays up far too late just to chat with me. The Boy calls me to talk about nothing because he wants to hear my voice. The Boy then drops off the face of the earth and I don' t want to come off as crazy or clingy.
I need to talk to The Boy; I need to talk to him to calm down so I can just sleep. I need The Boy so much that it physically hurts me. I need The Boy to come on line to talk to me, to make it alright.
And sure, I readily admit that it is not all entirely on The Boy; I am the one keeping this a secret from Elle. I am the one telling The Boy that we have to keep our whatever we have on the down low until I move in with Jo. I am the one telling him that I am not ready. When really, all I want is for him to put his arms back around me, pull me close and kiss me with the same voraciousness as owen has for christina (yes I did in fact just use a Grey's Anatomy reference). I want someone who will ask me to meet him at some random place after my last class and then take me to the ocean just to watch the waves.
I know that we are both leading busy, full, confusing lives right now but, right now, I need The Boy to talk to me before I go to sleep. I need The Boy to come by and tell me he's outside. I want this The Boy more than I have wanted anything; and he has disappeared.
Or maybe it's merely the sleep depredation, maybe i just need to sleep on it, reassess in the morning. or maybe I should just put on my big girl pants and call him.
yeah, bed it is :/
I hate being this needy, clingy girl; especially when I know that it could very well be that he is assisting his family - to which I would feel quite stupid.
Then again, it only takes seconds to send back a text message.
I am going to bed; hopefully there will be no dreams - although I am not holding my breath.
The Boy tells me really sweet, amazing, lovely things that no one has ever said to me before. The Boy who has only slept 12 hours over three days stays up far too late just to chat with me. The Boy calls me to talk about nothing because he wants to hear my voice. The Boy then drops off the face of the earth and I don' t want to come off as crazy or clingy.
I need to talk to The Boy; I need to talk to him to calm down so I can just sleep. I need The Boy so much that it physically hurts me. I need The Boy to come on line to talk to me, to make it alright.
And sure, I readily admit that it is not all entirely on The Boy; I am the one keeping this a secret from Elle. I am the one telling The Boy that we have to keep our whatever we have on the down low until I move in with Jo. I am the one telling him that I am not ready. When really, all I want is for him to put his arms back around me, pull me close and kiss me with the same voraciousness as owen has for christina (yes I did in fact just use a Grey's Anatomy reference). I want someone who will ask me to meet him at some random place after my last class and then take me to the ocean just to watch the waves.
I know that we are both leading busy, full, confusing lives right now but, right now, I need The Boy to talk to me before I go to sleep. I need The Boy to come by and tell me he's outside. I want this The Boy more than I have wanted anything; and he has disappeared.
Or maybe it's merely the sleep depredation, maybe i just need to sleep on it, reassess in the morning. or maybe I should just put on my big girl pants and call him.
yeah, bed it is :/
I hate being this needy, clingy girl; especially when I know that it could very well be that he is assisting his family - to which I would feel quite stupid.
Then again, it only takes seconds to send back a text message.
I am going to bed; hopefully there will be no dreams - although I am not holding my breath.
gravity
I'm starting to hate this person I'm becoming...but I don't know how to be any different. And what's worse: I don't know if I want to.
I wish I didn't have so much time alone to think; it's gut wrenchingly annoying and bothersome.
3.23.2011
Six billion secrets
I have been in a lot of pain lately.
Doctors think it might be ovarian cancer.
God. If your going to give me cancer, just please cure a child from cancer.
I'll take their place. I'm strong enough to make it.Mar 20, 2011 @ 11:00 am by Rkay – Hope
when i read this, i immediately burst into tears. not because of how selfless this person is acting (they are); not because my dad (and so many of my family members) have had cancer. but because i am afraid that there might seriously be something wrong with me and i would hate for my life to end just as it's really, truly beginning. (and i realize that is a very selfish thing to say after reading this, but it's the truth - and i had to put it SOMEWHERE)...
Doctors think it might be ovarian cancer.
God. If your going to give me cancer, just please cure a child from cancer.
I'll take their place. I'm strong enough to make it.Mar 20, 2011 @ 11:00 am by Rkay – Hope
have you noticed I lose my focus, and the world around me disappears
It's times like tonight where I wonder why am i just now experiencing life? And while I am reveling in everything, a part of me cannot help but wonder why now? Or even more so, why right now? Why not a few months ago? why not in a few weeks? And then i think about how perfectly timed this all seems to be and I just smile.
I also wish that little voice in my head would shut the hell up and let me just be happy. It is like it cannot have me just be happy. Maybe I can change it's mind, show it that this IS a good thing....until then, sleep. After 'playing' for most of the night, I have to wake up early and try and be productive. (i'm not holding my breahth, unfortunately).
I also wish that little voice in my head would shut the hell up and let me just be happy. It is like it cannot have me just be happy. Maybe I can change it's mind, show it that this IS a good thing....until then, sleep. After 'playing' for most of the night, I have to wake up early and try and be productive. (i'm not holding my breahth, unfortunately).
3.17.2011
don't cry for me argentina
Sometimes I wonder if I am getting in over my head. Taking on too much. Taken one step too many onto a very unstable bridge.
I guess I'll know soon enough....
3.15.2011
ain't misbehavin'
The first step has been taken, the leaving of Elle has commenced. The moving in with Jo has officially started. There are now 21 days left before Jo and I can occupy our new place and begin home-ifying it; and 25 days until I completely move out of what will now be Elle's apartment. I am very much excited about this, but at the same time a part of me is scared. A part of me is yelling at another part of me WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! and the other part is yelling back GROWING UP!! FINALLY!!
There have been so many changes recently, so many new things and first times. I wish I had the time and insight to be able to write about it all now, but I have a few over due assignments to finish up before I can go home, so I will leave it at this today. I hate that I usually only write when I have something to complain about, so I am trying to also write about the good stuff - but I tend to get so caught up in it that I forget. Who knows, I might write some of my new story here, if nothing else, it will be a place to store it.
Alright, back to homework. And if I am lucky, a chat with Gabe - but he has not been on all night, so I am not going to hold my breath.
Could I really do a day-to-day blog? Well, I guess only time will tell.
Seriously, homework. (with a little help from my Cole Porter Pandora station (: )
There have been so many changes recently, so many new things and first times. I wish I had the time and insight to be able to write about it all now, but I have a few over due assignments to finish up before I can go home, so I will leave it at this today. I hate that I usually only write when I have something to complain about, so I am trying to also write about the good stuff - but I tend to get so caught up in it that I forget. Who knows, I might write some of my new story here, if nothing else, it will be a place to store it.
Alright, back to homework. And if I am lucky, a chat with Gabe - but he has not been on all night, so I am not going to hold my breath.
Could I really do a day-to-day blog? Well, I guess only time will tell.
Seriously, homework. (with a little help from my Cole Porter Pandora station (: )
3.06.2011
you found me
Elle hates me. she says it's only for right now, so she can distance herself - so it doesn't hurt when i leave. but it will hurt. it will hurt her and it will hurt me. she has been the person i've shared so much with over the last almost 21 years. she has been the person that i've lived with continuously since the day she was born.
i wonder if she realizes how difficult this is for me too? if she even stops to think about how much change this is? Yeah, sure, i have someone who WANTS to live with me, but that took work. It was not one of those things that just kind of happened or that I put an ad out for. it took time, effort, energy, money, work, and love (and a quite a few moments of sharing intimacies that only a few know - some that only ourselves know).
we are trying to get her a place first - it's not like i am just going to leave her all by her lonesome. it's not like i'm just going to leave her all of a sudden. this WILL be a progression (even though Jo needs to get out of her house asap). i wish, above all things, that we could find her some roommates that she could really thrive with; but i would settle for living one building over from her.
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
and then, as if that is not enough, i have other stuff i'm trying to work through. i think i liked living in my i-refuse-to-actually-grow-up bubble; where i could still be an adolescent. where i didn't have to look past the surface of anything. where i could just drift through life.
but that was the problem in the first place, wasn't it? a vicious circle life is...
i wonder if she realizes how difficult this is for me too? if she even stops to think about how much change this is? Yeah, sure, i have someone who WANTS to live with me, but that took work. It was not one of those things that just kind of happened or that I put an ad out for. it took time, effort, energy, money, work, and love (and a quite a few moments of sharing intimacies that only a few know - some that only ourselves know).
we are trying to get her a place first - it's not like i am just going to leave her all by her lonesome. it's not like i'm just going to leave her all of a sudden. this WILL be a progression (even though Jo needs to get out of her house asap). i wish, above all things, that we could find her some roommates that she could really thrive with; but i would settle for living one building over from her.
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
and then, as if that is not enough, i have other stuff i'm trying to work through. i think i liked living in my i-refuse-to-actually-grow-up bubble; where i could still be an adolescent. where i didn't have to look past the surface of anything. where i could just drift through life.
but that was the problem in the first place, wasn't it? a vicious circle life is...
3.05.2011
when I forget how to breathe
can't seem to concentrate lately. It's like I know that I need to actually complete my assignments, but i keep thinking about what-ifs and could-bes. While it's fantastically lovely to have all these day dreams, it's seriously hurting my resolve to do well this semester. Sometimes I just wish I could take a break from my life (and vacation if you will) and just concentrate on school and living.
I can't wait until this part of my life can be checked off my to do list. That said, I kind of don't (and maybe that's why it's taken me so long to get this far) because I don't really know what I want to do next. I honestly have no plans past graduation. I wish I was called to something so strongly that I couldn't imagine doing anything else - something that gave me the drive to move forward, full steam ahead, which no reservations. I wish I could stop wishing for things and just do them.
I think the first step, unfortunately, is to not live with Elle anymore. It breaks my heart, but I think I need someone that I can be myself around and NOT have to worry about her judging me or whatever.
I also think the shuffle on my iPod is trying to tell me something.....I think I'm just going to continue to play ignorant for now - I can't deal with anymore thinking right now. It hurts too much.
I can't wait until this part of my life can be checked off my to do list. That said, I kind of don't (and maybe that's why it's taken me so long to get this far) because I don't really know what I want to do next. I honestly have no plans past graduation. I wish I was called to something so strongly that I couldn't imagine doing anything else - something that gave me the drive to move forward, full steam ahead, which no reservations. I wish I could stop wishing for things and just do them.
I think the first step, unfortunately, is to not live with Elle anymore. It breaks my heart, but I think I need someone that I can be myself around and NOT have to worry about her judging me or whatever.
I also think the shuffle on my iPod is trying to tell me something.....I think I'm just going to continue to play ignorant for now - I can't deal with anymore thinking right now. It hurts too much.
3.01.2011
Well, I'm too tired to fight it out this time
I wish I never started so I didnt have to quitI am physically unable to hold on to a grudge for more than a few days - the only exception with when I see whomever I am holding said grudge against and feelings are again stirred, but his is quite rare and has only happened a few times. Most of the time I just get really mad, then I realize that life is to short to stay angry over stupid stuff (which, in the scheme of things, is usually the case). Plus, it takes so much energy to be so angry at one person, it takes a toll on your body and your state of being.
I wish I didn't let you make me feel like this
It's how it's gotta be, is what you're telling me
The only thing that I can think of that is worse than anger like this is the heartbreak that could follow is the anger is held on to. The heartbreak that comes from losing someone one who you thought would always be there for you, no matter what; but after a few bad words, bruised feelings, and many days filled with major chest pains, they simply are not that person anymore. Even worse, this is also a time where you need them more than ever before. You need someone to be there for you, someone who understands what you are dealing with, someone to talk to so you do not break down at work or walking to class.
Instead, you are left with this giant hole in your chest and constantly repeating 'deep breath in, deep breath out, deep breath in, deep breath out, you CANNOT do this here, not now, deep breath in, deep breath out'. your only goal for each day is simply to make it through alright. you do not think about anything further than a week away - if even that. you take life day by day. and what's worse: you don't have that friend around to support you. sure there are other people, but they are not the people you need for this. they are more for girl talk, or complaining, or discussing certain live moves, or writing with, or just hanging out with; sure they can be there for you if you asked them, but this other friend wouldn't have needed to be asked.
But it does not matter anymore, because after a few bad words, bruised feelings, and many days filled with major chest pains you seem to have said the wrong thing; or they just were not willing to fight for you. or it could have been they were never as good a friend to you as you had always thought. it is almost like life kicked you in the shins, pulled your hair, and stole your money, and then, just as you were finally able to stand again, it pushed you in the mud - just for shits and giggles. just because it could. just 'cause.
And sure, some days are better than others; but it's those days were life decides to put red ants in the mud that really take their toll. and normally you would have this friend to stop life from pushing you down, or at least the mud would be grass, but now it is just you. trying, desperately to make it through. and then, just when you think 'hey, i think i might just make it' you find out it was your friend who gave life the idea about the red ants. and then the two steps you took forward and become obsolete and you are five steps back.
and while it will probably never stop hurting, and everyone will tell you to just leave it be and walk away, you cannot. because it is not you; it is not how you do things. so you tread cautiously, carry a tube of cortizone in your bag, and hope that will be enough; and if it is worse, you just do your best to deal, because there is nothing else you can do. you breathe, you pulse, you regenerate, your heart beats, your mind creates, your soul ingests, and you try to make it through the next 37 seconds the best you can.
2.23.2011
Give yourself prudence and love your friends
You ever had one of those days? Where you're just completely exhausted for no REAL reason. I'm having one of those days. And of course it's accompanied by and even more exhausted Mike who is having a good ol' time trying to make it through the day. It's on of those days where we look at each other for a few seconds and then just laugh. I didn't realize until recently how much I miss laughing for not other reason than to laugh. I wish I had more laughing in my life; instead I have tears, sadness, and depression. The only real plus is now I have Mike, Morgan, and Jayne at work to keep me smiling. For now anyways.
2.17.2011
send me away with the words of a love song
Have you ever felt that when certain people enter your life that they have always been there? That something you didn't even know was missing has been returned? It's kind if crazy sounding, but I've experienced this with only a handful of people, the newest ones being two of my new co-workers : mike and morgan. I feel like I have this preexisting friendship with morgan; like I've been friends with her forever. And mike, well, I just feel so at ease around him, like I don't have to hide anything or pretend to be something or someone else; and, worst of all, I feel like I'd miss him even if I'd never met him.
Gawd, this must be why I told myself no posting after 2am.....I sound completely mad! But I've already typed this all up, so I might as well post it. Hopefully there will be something truly brilliant to make up for this. Nite interwebs and readers who already know i'm a bit off.
Gawd, this must be why I told myself no posting after 2am.....I sound completely mad! But I've already typed this all up, so I might as well post it. Hopefully there will be something truly brilliant to make up for this. Nite interwebs and readers who already know i'm a bit off.
2.16.2011
The Day I Shot Cupid
"I think life and love can be what you make them. Figure out what *you* want out of love and life and go get it. If your guy or girl doesn't fit those things, then find someone who will."
JLH
take my hand, take my whole life too
apparently I'm allowed to be attracted to guys. I always figured that because I'm fat and not particularly good looking, that I shouldn't even bother. that it would be like when I was in k-12 and my affections wouldn't be returned so why bother. but after talking to one of my new coworkers, it's dawned on me that size shouldn't stop me. that even we larger ladies can find love. this is quite an interesting idea and will involve much thinking and pondering.
2.07.2011
stay little valentine stay
Sometimes I like to stop and think about what could have been, should have been, if I hadn't been so scared of life. If I wasn't so scared of life.
Gonna try and change this, one step at a time. Baby steps, small goals. Maybe then I might get somewhere before I give up. I'm hoping the jazz open mic night near the end of month is one of those somewheres....
2.06.2011
9 Crimes
Sometimes I wish I could just *not* think about events, people, other things. I wish, oh how I wish, I could be something like a normal person....if only for one day. To be happy and actually stay that way. To tell the people whom I care about that I do in fact care about them. To understand why I feel pulled to certain people and what I'm suppose to *do* with them.
I hate that I cannot express myself and just be me. I hate that I'm trapped - caged. I hate that no matter how much I want to change I never really can. I hate the shell of a person that I'm becoming. I hate it all.
1.31.2011
just some food for thought....
"Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble on it's own." ~ Matt. 6:24
today started out so well....then reality set it soon after I started work and just kind of went down hill from there. Although, I'm hoping that it's still early enough in the day for things to turn around.
As I've said before, I'm not really a religious person, but I really like this one - it's a good reminder to take things one day at a time; not matter how bad things seem, tomorrow is another day."Love never gives up... and it's in the midst of pain, of sacrifice, where we get the opportunity to choose the difference...."
never give up. never surrender. if there is even a mustard seed size of hope, hold on to it and NEVER let it go.=--=--=--=--=
today started out so well....then reality set it soon after I started work and just kind of went down hill from there. Although, I'm hoping that it's still early enough in the day for things to turn around.
1.21.2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRMz8fKkG2g
feels like six years all over again....I hope this doesn't end the same way.
(and no i didn't put the link in the wrong spot, it's there for a reason)
"music is something that will speak for you when you feel like you have lost your voice" ~me
1.20.2011
Between the lines of fear and blame...
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought
It was gonna end that way
People are people
And sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go
After all this time
Music starts playin'
Like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending
You don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy
And it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be
Without you around
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to
Never wanted this
Never wanna see you hurt
Every little bump in the road
I tried to swerve
But people are people
And sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say
Is gonna save us from the fallout
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to
It's 2 AM
Feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy
Easy for me
It's 2 AM
Feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy
Easy for me
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to
Breathe without you
But I have to
Sorry, sorry
Sorry, sorry
Sorry, sorry
Sorry
I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought
It was gonna end that way
People are people
And sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go
After all this time
Music starts playin'
Like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending
You don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy
And it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be
Without you around
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to
Never wanted this
Never wanna see you hurt
Every little bump in the road
I tried to swerve
But people are people
And sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say
Is gonna save us from the fallout
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to
It's 2 AM
Feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy
Easy for me
It's 2 AM
Feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy
Easy for me
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe without you
But I have to breathe without you
But I have to
Breathe without you
But I have to
Sorry, sorry
Sorry, sorry
Sorry, sorry
Sorry
1.13.2011
you're the one that rules your world
I think music is one of the greatest things in the entire world - aside from nutella, netflix, people-less places, and sunrises/sets at the beach - it not only gives people a way to connect to other people, but it helps us express things we cannot put in words.
Pearl is a song I was immediately drawn to when listening to KP's Teenage Dream CD; while I realize it's a generally sad and depressing song, I take that and use it to keep me up. I use it to help me see that no matter what, you gotta keep that "pearl" shining for the world to see....ya gotta be that firework. :} Be unstoppable!
==~~==~~==~~==
She is a pyramid
But with him she's just a grain of sand
This loves too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in
She was a hurricane
But now she's just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark
Oh she used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl
She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they never ever met
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark
Oh She used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a
Do you know that there’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Cause I used to be a shell...
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world Ohhh yeah
But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And No one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell No
You’re the one that rules your world Ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable
Pearl is a song I was immediately drawn to when listening to KP's Teenage Dream CD; while I realize it's a generally sad and depressing song, I take that and use it to keep me up. I use it to help me see that no matter what, you gotta keep that "pearl" shining for the world to see....ya gotta be that firework. :} Be unstoppable!
==~~==~~==~~==
She is a pyramid
But with him she's just a grain of sand
This loves too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in
She was a hurricane
But now she's just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark
Oh she used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl
She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they never ever met
She could be a statue of liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark
Oh She used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh can’t believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a
Do you know that there’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Cause I used to be a shell...
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world Ohhh yeah
But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And No one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell No
You’re the one that rules your world Ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable
1.12.2011
fear is the heart of love (so i never went back)
I feel like there is a giant whole in my chest....and no matter how much I pretend, or try, I cannot fill it back up. This is far too much to deal with right now - this is suppose to be a break, not a let's-see-how-much-heart-break-you-can-take-without-self-destructing.
I think I need a vacation. Unfortunately, I don't have time - literally and figuratively. I miss being a kid and only having to worry about whether or not there was a fruit-by-the-food in your lunch or not. Not serious health issues, death, depression, heart break, sadness, feeling so alone you can't stand it. What's worse: not being able to do anything but cry - because that's the only way to release it, to purge it from your body long enough to get through the rest of the day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
(and hope no figures it out....or asks you if everything is alright. because it's clearly not.)
I think I need a vacation. Unfortunately, I don't have time - literally and figuratively. I miss being a kid and only having to worry about whether or not there was a fruit-by-the-food in your lunch or not. Not serious health issues, death, depression, heart break, sadness, feeling so alone you can't stand it. What's worse: not being able to do anything but cry - because that's the only way to release it, to purge it from your body long enough to get through the rest of the day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
(and hope no figures it out....or asks you if everything is alright. because it's clearly not.)
say anything
Been here before, revolving door
We're caught up and I don't know what for anymore
We had the best, and nothing less.
But the second we fell out of step, you up and left
Well this is so you, this is what you do,
You'd rather make do than make a move
What'll it take now, how do I make this matter enough to you
We're caught up and I don't know what for anymore
We had the best, and nothing less.
But the second we fell out of step, you up and left
Well this is so you, this is what you do,
You'd rather make do than make a move
What'll it take now, how do I make this matter enough to you
Say you're a mess, Say it's a shame,
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please
What happened to the plans we made,
and that contagious smile on your face? It's all begun to fade.
You used to be so careful with me,
Making sure that we would always be, each others' missing piece
We could still save these tattered pages, what do you say we start over baby?
This our chance, you're all I have.
Don't let me slip through your hands.
and that contagious smile on your face? It's all begun to fade.
You used to be so careful with me,
Making sure that we would always be, each others' missing piece
We could still save these tattered pages, what do you say we start over baby?
This our chance, you're all I have.
Don't let me slip through your hands.
Say you're a mess, Say it's a shame,
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please
You know I miss you,
You know I wish you missed me too,
Oh baby tell me you do
You know I wish you missed me too,
Oh baby tell me you do
Say you're a mess, Say it's a shame,
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please
Why can't you at least pretend?
Say I should leave, you're over me
Say something, say anything
Anything, say anything please
1.11.2011
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
I really don't understand why someone would send an email, that doesn't include me in any way, to me and then, when I didn't respond back to it, they sent me the program. I DON'T WANT IT! I DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
I'm tired of feeling like a hypocrite, like a liar, like a horrible person for saying words I myself do not really believe in. Sure some the of the literal words are pretty and amazing, but after so much hate, distrust, and misuse I cannot seem to bring myself to say these words of my own volition. I wish I did not have to deal with these existential issues or their religious undertones. I really have enough to think about right now. Sometimes I wish I could be back in the fourth grade and wanting, begging to go to church. But, unfortunately, I cannot go back in time. I cannot undo the hurt, the ugly, the HATE that has been done. I cannot unremember things. I cannot believe like I once did.
I think I will always love the idea, the concepts, and some of the literal words, but for right now, I cannot believe in the thing. I cannot bring myself to - and I'm not entirely sure why. I know that for the longest time I still believed - even after everything negative - but as of a few months ago, I just did not.
I know that there are many great religious leaders who question - question if god is real? if what religion means is real? if any of it is real - and, oddly enough, few people realize it. They don't usually see the papers that Mother Teresa published questioning her faith, or the ones that the various Popes have published....they just see the good works. Sometimes I think that's all it should be about; but sadly it's not the truth.
So instead, I will continue to go to church when my dad asks me to, I will continue to say nightly prayers with him, I will politely thank people who tell me they will keep my dad in their prayers - because it's the right thing to do. But, more importantly, it's for them. I think a belief like this helps my dad better comprehend and deal with the fact that he is dying, it think that it helps him to know that I care about him, I think it helps others to know that they are, in some way, doing something. And I really, truly, envy those who have such a devout belief - I wish I could, more than anyone can ever know.
I think religion is something that is meant to assist people who are lacking/missing something; it is a tool for them to better understand it. While I'm sure that statement alone will offend many people (especially some of my friends in the ministry - or heading that way), it is not meant to; it is merely my personal view. I use to be like that, I use to use it to explain things I did not understand or comprehend. And I still believe in grace and miracles and people doing things for no other reason than it is the right thing to do - and I get tingles every time I get to witness any of these - I find that I cannot lie anymore. Even just putting it out into the interwebs, I feel a weight lifted - a small one, but a weight nonetheless.
::love::
I'm tired of feeling like a hypocrite, like a liar, like a horrible person for saying words I myself do not really believe in. Sure some the of the literal words are pretty and amazing, but after so much hate, distrust, and misuse I cannot seem to bring myself to say these words of my own volition. I wish I did not have to deal with these existential issues or their religious undertones. I really have enough to think about right now. Sometimes I wish I could be back in the fourth grade and wanting, begging to go to church. But, unfortunately, I cannot go back in time. I cannot undo the hurt, the ugly, the HATE that has been done. I cannot unremember things. I cannot believe like I once did.
I think I will always love the idea, the concepts, and some of the literal words, but for right now, I cannot believe in the thing. I cannot bring myself to - and I'm not entirely sure why. I know that for the longest time I still believed - even after everything negative - but as of a few months ago, I just did not.
I know that there are many great religious leaders who question - question if god is real? if what religion means is real? if any of it is real - and, oddly enough, few people realize it. They don't usually see the papers that Mother Teresa published questioning her faith, or the ones that the various Popes have published....they just see the good works. Sometimes I think that's all it should be about; but sadly it's not the truth.
So instead, I will continue to go to church when my dad asks me to, I will continue to say nightly prayers with him, I will politely thank people who tell me they will keep my dad in their prayers - because it's the right thing to do. But, more importantly, it's for them. I think a belief like this helps my dad better comprehend and deal with the fact that he is dying, it think that it helps him to know that I care about him, I think it helps others to know that they are, in some way, doing something. And I really, truly, envy those who have such a devout belief - I wish I could, more than anyone can ever know.
I think religion is something that is meant to assist people who are lacking/missing something; it is a tool for them to better understand it. While I'm sure that statement alone will offend many people (especially some of my friends in the ministry - or heading that way), it is not meant to; it is merely my personal view. I use to be like that, I use to use it to explain things I did not understand or comprehend. And I still believe in grace and miracles and people doing things for no other reason than it is the right thing to do - and I get tingles every time I get to witness any of these - I find that I cannot lie anymore. Even just putting it out into the interwebs, I feel a weight lifted - a small one, but a weight nonetheless.
::love::
1.10.2011
try to understand why
*note: if a word looks like it should have a "w" and doesn't, please just mentally add one - my "w" key keeps sticking and i don't always catch it*
sometimes life hands you a fist full of what was in it's pocket and then tells you to do something brilliant and smart with it. well today i was handed to fist fulls, and i think i handled it with decorum, or at least i hope i did. i guess, in a way, this is my fault in that in life i rarely look past the surface of things - not usually giving it more thought that i think it requires to merely get through. i think this might have been a wake up call to open my eyes.here's to another late night, and another full day. hopefully i can make it through with grace and dignity, and not kill anyone. i hope that i haven't royally messed things up - because i don't know if i could take it if i have. i think life loves to throw curve balls when it's the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, full count and the team at bat is down by three - just to see how you'll handle it. so i'm going to warm up and give it a go - i fail, i'll be sad, but in a few days there will be another game. just gotta keep breathing...
1.09.2011
now that the weight has lifted
It's strange, the range of emotions I go through when talking with Gabe. He very nearly sent me spiraling into the deepest depths (not entirely him, though; I played my own part); but then he gave me a proposition and brought me right back. This is one of the most emotional friendships I think I've ever had, and I love it. It makes me evaluate myself as a member of the human race as well as a woman. It makes me not only realize all the things I try not to think of, but would rather not; and then confront them - either completely or briefly.
The really odd (and possible sadistic) thing, no matter how angry, upset, pissed off, depressed, &c I feel, I'm so glad that I as given this friendship - it is one of those life altering, soul shaking miracles that one hopes lasts forever but if it doesn't, well, at least it happened.
Sometimes I wish I could just come out and say what I'm thinking, but then my brain and my heart get in the way and I just end up all kinds of confused. Today, I'm blaming it on being a girl. And, more importantly, leaving it at that.
So it's a few hours later, but time to get on that tidying - mainly because Elle is coming home at some point tonight and I don't want to deal with that fight (of not having done anything productive all weekend). So I'm going to put on some Train, turn on some lights, grab a few trash bags, and accomplish something. I will be a productive member of this apartment - well, today anyway.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side; I promise to sing to you when all the music dies"
The really odd (and possible sadistic) thing, no matter how angry, upset, pissed off, depressed, &c I feel, I'm so glad that I as given this friendship - it is one of those life altering, soul shaking miracles that one hopes lasts forever but if it doesn't, well, at least it happened.
Sometimes I wish I could just come out and say what I'm thinking, but then my brain and my heart get in the way and I just end up all kinds of confused. Today, I'm blaming it on being a girl. And, more importantly, leaving it at that.
So it's a few hours later, but time to get on that tidying - mainly because Elle is coming home at some point tonight and I don't want to deal with that fight (of not having done anything productive all weekend). So I'm going to put on some Train, turn on some lights, grab a few trash bags, and accomplish something. I will be a productive member of this apartment - well, today anyway.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side; I promise to sing to you when all the music dies"
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