it's not you, it's me
it's not gonna work out
i don't love you anymore
i can't do this anymore
there's nothing we can do
we've tried everything, I'm sorry
it spread to the bones
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I have a problem: when things get too hard, I just stop. I would say I quit, but that requires actions; what I do is literally cease all action, stop advancing. I make myself as stationary as possible. I cease to be.
what's worse: I make it so that no one will notice - and those who do, I pull away from. I cannot stand to have people see me for the failure that I actually am, even though I wish someone would notice. It's a strange, terrible, awful, vicious circle of emotions.
then, just when I think it cannot get worse, the universe decides to throw one more crazy ass curve ball my way. And because of this goddamn curve ball, i haven't slept properly for almost a week. I haven't not cried myself to sleep every night. I haven't not felt this feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.
what's worse, is the second person I wanted to talk to after this terrible news (after Sophia of course) was Gabe...who is currently not talking to me - and I have not clue as to why. I miss my friend, but I have finally reached that point where i realized that not only did he treat me like shit, but he lied to me. He swore he would always be my friend first and foremost. To use Lizzy's words: some friend he is. He leaves the state in just over a month and after two months of pretty much not communications it's quite clear that he has no desire in maintaining our friendship if anyway, shape or form.
(*stolen from SF-1* it just fit my frame of mind for so many things)
it hurts so bad, but i have to adopt elle and sophia's attitude of not caring about those who could careless about me. And while I am incapable of FULLY adopting this, I must try to in some way because one can only deal with so much heartbreak at a time.-----------------------
I find that I never really thought about getting married, but that he might be there to walk me down the aisle.
I find that I have no idea if I want to have kids or not, but he might not be there to see his grandkids.
I find that a lot of things I never put much stock into (mostly because, "I got time") I am not thinking a lot about. I find that I'm finding out a lot about what I truly want from life that I never really knew I wanted.
I have also found that I can be a strong, brave person outside my room.....but once I close the door and turn off the lights, the tears and the feelings of hopelessness, depression, inadequacy, and other sad-faced emotions come on in, uninvited.
and then it hits me:sometimes the limits of my own selfishness seems to know NO bounds:/
I don't know why people do this to us? Some may do it unknowingly but, those whom we promised to love until our last breath, cannot hurt us unknowingly. But then why do it at all? Why can't we let everyone be happy. Probably because if everyone is happy, then no one will know what it means to be sad. What it means to be lonely. What is means to be hurt by someone very close. I have always supported the fact that adversity brings out the best in us. It takes us to be sad, hurt, be lonely so that we can give our best performance of all times. It's not a movie story, its true. I have experienced it myself. Whenever you feel this is the new lowest point in your lyf, think of it as an opportunity to outperform yourself and break all previous records. It has 2 benefits, one is that you will be deeply involved in something else, so basically diverting attention and second is that if you put in so much of focus and involvement in some other work, it is slated to be your best. No doubt about that.
ReplyDeleteWhat an irony.. look who's writing this comment.. it's a pity!!!
I think it's because we love them so much that we allow them to hurt us so badly - because otherwise we would walk away and it wouldn't matter how they make us feel.
ReplyDeleteI think most things are a performance, as Shakespeare said: all the worlds a stage, and the men and women merely players. We are constantly trying to out perform each other, but more importantly we are trying to our perform ourselves. We want people to care about us, but we don't want them to care too much. It's an enigma wrapped up in a paradox, coated in chocolate and brightly colored sprinkles.
It's stupid free will....