But who am I to tell fate where it's supposed to go with it?

(from post secret)

(believe it or not, I use to think I wouldn't be able to survive if Gabe wasn't in my life.  And while it's not easy, I know know that I can do; it's not as difficult as I thought it would be.)

I have been messaging Gabe on and off since he decided that I wasn't meeting his expectations and I wasn't matching his speed, trying to get my friend back.  It was polite conversation starters, things to kind of ease our way back into being friends; but apparently that's not possible.

I never really understood why you cannot be friends with someone when the romantic stuff does not go where you thought it would.  I figured that if it's someone that you randomly meet and are only with for a short time, then it's up to those involved; but if you have known this person for quite a length of time, where quite involved with each other's lives, had a major history - how do you just walk away from that?  How do you just decide that because the romantic aspect didn't work out that you have to cut that person out of your life completely?

I'm sure that someone somewhere is screaming at the screen all the reasons why someone would just make a clean break and walk away, but they just don't seem rational or real to me.  Then again, being the person I am, I can figure out the rational for it.

Well then maybe it's just my situation, maybe it's just Gabe.  Maybe I just cannot stand to loose another person who I have cared deeply about for years; maybe I refuse to let another good person walk out of my life because they think I'm not good enough - I am.  Sure it might not be the way they wanted or thought, but I am good enough.

Many might make the argument that being around a former romantic interest might/could/would/is awkward, I saw: it's only as awkward as you both make it.  Sure, initially, it might be a little odd, but if the friendship is truly worth it everything will fall into place.  It will work out.

While there are times where a person really should just throw in the towel and call it  day, this is one of those things that I don't think is over.  Sure it didn't work out, it didn't have the right fit; but that just means that it's time to try something different.  I know we can't go back to how things were - I wouldn't want to anyway, that would be anti-progress.  That would be a waste.  Why can't we just go forward?  Sure it might be awkward at first, but words on a screen might help relieve that.  A simple conversation about some former Brown Coat rebels might just give us that possibility.  Instead you act like a pretentious smart ass.

One day I hope Gabe realizes that he's personally destroying what could be a fantastic friendship because he's to pig-headed.  Or maybe he's scared.  I just don't know; but I do know that soon I'm going to have an epiphany and I am going to go forward and never look back.  While that might sound all self-assured, impowered, confident, whatever, it's not - it's what I am going to tell myself so that I can protect my poor heart from someone else I decided to let in because I thought they would take care of my heart - not destroy it a little more.

(Taken from SF-1)

I think for the most part, this perfectly described how I use to feel about Gabe, and I think I still do, because I still consider him my friend.  Sure, now there is a depth that really wasn't there before, but he's still someone whose opinion I value, he's someone I care about, he's someone who I believe can see through me when no one else can (even if he cannot see the real me sometimes).  I miss him.  I hope he decides that this friendship is worth the risk, worth the initial awkwardness, worth keeping, worth fighting for. At the end of the day, I'm still left with this irrational (and silly) hope; but it's better than nothing...

I still would rather have him in my life than out of it....