it's all uncharted

I haven't slept in almost 30 hours because I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid of having dreams that feel so damn real that I have to seriously think about which was a dream and which is reality. I am afraid that I am setting myself up for a big ass crash landing.

The Boy tells me really sweet, amazing, lovely things that no one has ever said to me before. The Boy who has only slept 12 hours over three days stays up far too late just to chat with me. The Boy calls me to talk about nothing because he wants to hear my voice. The Boy then drops off the face of the earth and I don' t want to come off as crazy or clingy.

 I need to talk to The Boy; I need to talk to him to calm down so I can just sleep. I need The Boy so much that it physically hurts me. I need The Boy to come on line to talk to me, to make it alright.

 And sure, I readily admit that it is not all entirely on The Boy; I am the one keeping this a secret from Elle. I am the one telling The Boy that we have to keep our whatever we have on the down low until I move in with Jo. I am the one telling him that I am not ready. When really, all I want is for him to put his arms back around me, pull me close and kiss me with the same voraciousness as owen has for christina (yes I did in fact just use a Grey's Anatomy reference). I want someone who will ask me to meet him at some random place after my last class and then take me to the ocean just to watch the waves.

I know that we are both leading busy, full, confusing lives right now but, right now, I need The Boy to talk to me before I go to sleep. I need The Boy to come by and tell me he's outside. I want this The Boy more than I have wanted anything; and he has disappeared.

Or maybe it's merely the sleep depredation, maybe i just need to sleep on it, reassess in the morning. or maybe I should just put on my big girl pants and call him.

yeah, bed it is :/

I hate being this needy, clingy girl; especially when I know that it could very well be that he is assisting his family - to which I would feel quite stupid.

Then again, it only takes seconds to send back a text message.

I am going to bed; hopefully there will be no dreams - although I am not holding my breath.