Well, I'm too tired to fight it out this time

I wish I never started so I didnt have to quit
I wish I didn't let you make me feel like this
It's how it's gotta be, is what you're telling me

 I am physically unable to hold on to a grudge for more than a few days - the only exception with when I see whomever I am holding said grudge against and feelings are again stirred, but his is quite rare and has only happened a few times.  Most of the time I just get really mad, then I realize that life is to short to stay angry over stupid stuff (which, in the scheme of things, is usually the case).  Plus, it takes so much energy to be so angry at one person, it takes a toll on your body and your state of being.

The only thing that I can think of that is worse than anger like this is the heartbreak that could follow is the anger is held on to.  The heartbreak that comes from losing someone one who you thought would always be there for you, no matter what; but after a few bad words, bruised feelings, and many days filled with major chest pains, they simply are not that person anymore.  Even worse, this is also a time where you need them more than ever before.  You need someone to be there for you, someone who understands what you are dealing with, someone to talk to so you do not break down at work or walking to class.

Instead, you are left with this giant hole in your chest and constantly repeating 'deep breath in, deep breath out, deep breath in, deep breath out, you CANNOT do this here, not now, deep breath in, deep breath out'. your only goal for each day is simply to make it through alright.  you do not think about anything further than a week away - if even that.  you take life day by day.  and what's worse: you don't have that friend around to support you.  sure there are other people, but they are not the people you need for this.  they are more for girl talk, or complaining, or discussing certain live moves, or writing with, or just hanging out with; sure they can be there for you if you asked them, but this other friend wouldn't have needed to be asked.

But it does not matter anymore, because after a few bad words, bruised feelings, and many days filled with major chest pains you seem to have said the wrong thing; or they just were not willing to fight for you.  or it could have been they were never as good a friend to you as you had always thought.  it is almost like life kicked you in the shins, pulled your hair, and stole your money, and then, just as you were finally able to stand again, it pushed you in the mud - just for shits and giggles.  just because it could.  just 'cause.

And sure, some days are better than others; but it's those days were life decides to put red ants in the mud that really take their toll.  and normally you would have this friend to stop life from pushing you down, or at least the mud would be grass, but now it is just you.  trying, desperately to make it through.  and then, just when you think 'hey, i think i might just make it' you find out it was your friend who gave life the idea about the red ants.  and then the two steps you took forward and become obsolete and you are five steps back.

and while it will probably never stop hurting, and everyone will tell you to just leave it be and walk away, you cannot.  because it is not you; it is not how you do things.  so you tread cautiously, carry a tube of cortizone in your bag, and hope that will be enough; and if it is worse, you just do your best to deal, because there is nothing else you can do.  you breathe, you pulse, you regenerate, your heart beats, your mind creates, your soul ingests, and you try to make it through the next 37 seconds the best you can.