Gather up your tears; keep them in your pocket

Sometimes I wish I had an eating disorder that made me skinny instead of fat.  Sometimes I wish I had the commitment to cut myself.  Sometimes I wish I could just pop a few pills and be happy.

While most people will never put anything like that out there I will, because I know it will never happen.  And it might seem foolish or stupid to say that but I know it's the truth.  You know why?  Because I am too lazy and I really don't care enough.

I love food to much to not eat and I'm too frugal to buy and eat food just to throw it up.  I don't have a need to release pain or inflict pain on myself.  I have no desire to pop pills every day - I can barely remember to take my vitamins (I only do now because they are fruit snack/gummy vitamins).

I guess that is my down fall, I love food, I seek solace in it, and I am just drifting through life.  I have no plans, no next step, no goals.  I'm just focusing on graduating and after that, well, I have no idea.  I guess a part of me just figures that whatever is meant to be will happen by then.  I think I have far too much faith in the universe; or I PUT far too much fate in the universe.

If I were to really sit down and think about it, I think I would come to one of two conclusions.  One, nothing has every really been expected of me - my dad was surprised that I graduated high school! - so I never really try; I just kind of coast through life.  Two, I have been in school so long I am ready for a break; sure most people I know take a few years off to earn money to go back to school to reach their end goal, but I think I might like to just work for a bit and see how that goes for me; then maybe reevaluate.  I think that whatever I am meant to do for the rest of my life will come to me by then,  I really am putting too much faith in the universe...

I guess since this blog has taken on a confession sort of style, I might as well finish it out with a few more.  I have recently realized that most of the things I appear to be are false: I am in fact not a very good friend (so to speak), I am quite selfish, I spend WAY too much time talking about myself, I complain a lot (and also forget to mention the good and positive things).  I wish I could be a better person, a better friend, someone who people would be proud to call their friend (or just someone they could call to talk to &c).

That's enough self loathing and self hating for tonight....although I foresee a few more in the future, unfortunately.  beh