I want to feel you

I wore a cross today.  For the first time in a few years, I wore a cross.

People who pass by me probably think I am just professing my faith.  Showing the world that I believe in god.  Letting people make certain assumptions about me.

And they would be wrong - for the most part.

I am going through what some people might call  a crisis of faith.  I use to have such a devout belief, this unwavering faith.  In a way, I guess I still do - it's just different.  I still believe in grace, I still have faith, I still have hope, I still have beliefs, they are just different.

Sometimes I wish I could somehow have that unwavering faith again, that unquestioning belief in something.  I wish I could be that person I was so many years ago; the little 9 year old girl who asked her parents if we could go to church because I wanted to.  Not this jaded 20 something who wants so bad to believe but feels like that would make me a hypocrite; not this weary and worn 20 something who has seen what church can do to people, how people who are suppose to be 'christian' (whatever that means) can lie, steal, cheat, and harm other people.  Sure, there are people all over the world who are saying that their religion is better than everyone else's, who are protesting funerals, who are putting so much HATE out into a world that is already full of it.  That's not what I'm talking about, that has no real impact on me because I don't know them.  I talking about the people from my church, the people I chose to surround myself with - those people.  The people who betrayed my trust, who hurt people for their own personal gain, who were just awful human beings all the while wearing their cross necklaces, carrying their bibles, singing their hymns, and telling people that they would pray for them/keep them in their prayers.

I am the kind of person who will hold onto hope,  who will look for the best in people always; but for some reason I just cannot seem to do this.  I have lost something that I use to feel was so dear to me; and sure, I still believe some of the same things but it's just in the universe - not in a single thing anymore.  And I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it.  I cannot put my full trust and heart into something like this no matter how much I want to - it's an internal war.

And I'm losing...


(and I wore the cross because of where it came from, the things it reminds me of, the people it reminds me of, the person I was and might one day be again....)