I mostly sing them to the wall.
I know it's been awhile, but I promised to tell you all about Jo's friend. He is actually an ex-boyfriend of Jo's - Eugene. She invited him over to hang out and I instantly took a liking to him. You those people that come into your life and really cannot imagine your life before them? Yeah, Eugene is one of those people. It's funny, I feel that subconsciously Jo knew that she and Eugene wouldn't get back together (what she was hoping for) so she wanted to introduce him to me and Elle. The first few visits, she would eventually take him to her room and we wouldn't see him until he left, but eventually she would leave him out with us and go play in her room - if I remember correctly, it was when we introduced him to Sophia that this changed.
Then, one night while we were having a girl's night (Sophia, Elle, Jo, and me), Jo had a few too many drinks and was drunk texting him Eventually I had to take over texting for her because she couldn't focus on the buttons, and I used this as an opportunity to thieve his cell number (I claimed it was because Jo's phone sucked..which is completely true too). We invited him to join us at the next place (we started at a Hawaiian themed bar and were going to head over to an Irish bar) and he did. While I ended up having to drive Jo home so Eugene (who had just gotten there) could go in and have a drink with Elle and Sohpia, I was able to make it back and have a drink with all of them. As with a previous late night chat, Eugene started talking to me about things one doesn't usually tell to new friends....especially good friends of your ex; but I didn't mind, it was nice having someone to talk to. He then said somethings that really struck me: "you're really easy to talk to" and "I probably shouldn't have told you that..." To which I thanked him and then told him that what he tells me I don't share with her and what she tells me I don't share with him (although I did let one thing slip, but that's only because I thought he knew).
After that I would text him all the time. For any reason. I feel like I should add that I do that when I meet new and interesting people and they're 'dumb' enough to give me their phone number (;P). But with Eugene I felt that there was something else Then, within a few days of them telling me that they didn't have 'those kinds of feelings for each other' and that they wouldn't be getting back together I realized what it was: I kinda had a thing for Eugene. I thought about him constantly, I wanted to spend every waking moment I could with him, if he didn't text me back for more than 24 hours I felt like it had been forever, &c. So I tried not to text him every time I thought about him, but that didn't work out so well. It was around this time that I watched the One Tree Hill episode Like You Like an Arsonist. In this episode, Brooke (played by the incomparable Sophia Bush) is seen writing a letter to Lucas (who she is currently in love with, although she won't fully admit it); she then puts said letter into a box, it is then alluded to that she spent her summer thinking about Lucas and then writing him letters to express those feelings. It was right then and there that I decided to do the same exact thing. Every time I thought about Eugene, I would write him a letter (I also decided I would not text him until he texted me first...he texted me week later to see if we were still all hanging out at my apartment). I wrote him three 4+ page letters the first day. Now, a few weeks later I am up to 13. I do not write as many as I use to, mainly because I tend to write them mostly late at night and end up falling asleep before I can finish them, so quite a few letters end up being for two or so days. Now I am not sure if I will ever be as brave as Brooke and actually give Eugene my letters, for now I'm keeping them in my top drawer in my dresser. I thought things were going well, and my crush was developing nicely - and that there might actually be a chance that he might like me back.
Then Saturday happened. I'm not sure if it was because he was a bit tipsy or what, but he whispered something to Sophia before we got back to my and Jo's apartment - neither of them would tell me. Once inside, we all hung out and had a good time (as we usually do). A little after Sophia fell asleep, Eugene and I walked Elle home. It was as I was walking him to his car that he told me: I like Elle. If I hadn't had an inkling of this, I would have been completely devastated. Instead I just said what I said to most of his previous 'confessions': I know. While I had a feeling for quite some time, I didn't want to think too much about it in case it might be true. And we talked about it for a few minutes (alongside a few other things) and I felt like I had stepped into a movie. The average girl falls for the male lead, but he falls for the girl's beautiful, confident, amazing sister; and then asks the average girl if she would help him see if this girl might like him (kinda reminds me of Love on the Side, which I had oddly enough watched a few days prior). It killed me.
I've been thinking about it quite a bit the last few days, writing letters to him, texting Sophia asking how I can be so stupid, so oblivious. And she said there where a few WTF moments for her too. So I have been composing a letter in my head for a few days, and normally I would write it in a letter to him, but this is a letter that needs to be read. This is a letter I desperately need someone to see. So here goes....
Dearest Eugene:
I don't understand you. As I sit here in my darkening apartment to the sounds of Kenny Chesney's "You and Tequila" I can't help but to think of you. You make me crazy. I understand men are suppose to make women crazy and women are crazy so they make men crazy, but I think you might have taken it to a whole new level now.
I know you say that you are the exception, that you are the nice guy. You say these things, but when you told me on Saturday that you like Elle it tore my heart it two. And to make matters worse, I had to grin and bear it for another 20-30 minutes while we chatted before you left. You tell me you like her and yet you look at me like I'm the only girl in the world and you want nothing more to stare into my eyes. You tell me things I am certain you have never told anyone else, at least not this readily or quickly anyway. You remember the things I post on Facebook and you notice when I do not text you. You not only notice when I wear my hear differently, but you compliment me on it. You stand out in the cold wee hours of the morning air and talk to me instead of getting in your car and driving home. You come join us at the bar as soon as I text you if you are able. And sure, some of these things can be attributed to Elle being present, but more often than not, this is not the case. You give me this look (I call it The Smolder) that makes me feel like you see into my inner-most self, into my soul. Maybe I've watched P.S. I Love You far too many times, but it's makes me think that's what it's like when Gerry sends out the signal to Holly that kissing her would be the end of life as he knows it; that's how I feel when you look at me. That I want to kiss you, that I want to touch you, be near you. I also feel, in that one gaze that life as I know it is perfect. YOU DON'T LOOK AT A PERSON LIKE THAT AND THEN TELL THEM YOU LIKE SOMEONE ELSE!!
You claim to be a nice guy, but you do things like this. Do you realize how confusing it is? Especially someone has prone to falling for a nice, sweet guy as I am. I mostly think I'm lolo to think that you could ever fancy me, but then I think of all of the things that you've told me over the past few weeks. I'm not crazy. And sure, I might be in denial a bit, but there is something here. You must feel something for me, or else why would you do these things? I figure if it is a 'we're just friends' thing than you would treat me like I was your sister - and with the exception of a handful of things, that's how you treat Elle.
You broke my heart and crushed my hope for you and me. That said, I nkow you cannot help who you fall in love with, love is irrational at it's core. And while I might be hurt, disappointed, &c I am not made at you. How can I be made at you for liking someone else (I can, however, be mad at you for asking me to help you)?
I haven't texted you since Sunday (at Morgan's Thanksgiving party and I'm sure that was only because I'd had a few drinks, because it hurts when I read your texts because I see your face and then I imagine your voice. I imagine your beautiful brown eyes locking gaze with mine, and how it makes me come completely unglued when you stare at me. I imagine so many things, but you completely undid it all with less than 10 words. And sure, you could say that because I never told you, that it doesn't count, it does; people should notice when they act a certain way around a person.
I miss you more than you know. I cannot stop crying. I wish you would text me, even to just say "hi" - it doesn't matter. I want to know that you're actually thinking of me. I know that it's a silly text message, but what you may not know is that by simply sending a text message to someone - boy or girl - that says something as simple as 'hey' it might just make their whole day. Hell, it might just make their week. So when a girl tells you flat out that you should text people, make sure you text her. It does matter, more than you'll probably realize.
xomandaox
So, that 's the letter. one day I might type it up and put into an envelope. And who knows, one day I might actually show it too you. One day. Until then, I'll just brood on here and on paper.
Also, please forgive spelling, it's late at night and I'm far too tired to read back through and correct any. Possibly tomorrow if I have time.
Hope y'all have a good Thanksgiving!
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"you could be the center piece of my obsession, if you would notice me at all..."
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