I want to be a good friend, I want to be there for you when you need me, I want to be present at all the fantastical moments in your life. What I don't want is for you to rub salt in my wounds. I don't want you to tell me each and every time your boy does something cute, adorable, thoughtful, &c just to have me tell you he's in to you. YES, HE'S JUST THAT INTO YOU!! I've told you a million times, but either you like me telling you or you are that dense (which I find highly unlikely). This, however, would mean that you enjoy torturing me, you enjoy making me feel pain, you enjoy making me wonder why I even bother.
Granted, I only have one experience to compare everything too, but I keep holding on, hoping, that was the worse it'll get - rock bottom. I read books, watch movies, listen to music - all in the hopes that one day, it might happen to me. I'm sure the road blocks I put in my way do not help, but still. (it also doesn't help when I get a text from him telling me he's changed his number (showing me he still has my number in his phone - even after he switched companies), he pops on my IM list, Facebook suggests I friend him, &c).
I think the best part is when just when I get over him, just when I say I'm done with it all, the sucker IMs me - or texts me - and I think: maybe, just maybe. And I am stabbed in the heart, again. It's never REALLY a hey, how are you doing, I miss you. It's always a hey, how are you, I need something from you. I think it's worse when it's an IM because then I end up waiting around to see if he has something to actually tell say to me....when really he just stops typing and I end up waiting two hours. And then I analyze/over think shit for two more hours. I wish I could just forget it, but then I refuse to give up on the only guy who ever seemed to like me and kinda did something about it....when really, it's all mostly in my head.
I guess it's just repeating to myself: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! he's never REALLY made an effort. He just uses you like everybody else - because he knows what they know: I'm a sucker willing to help people when they need it. I'm an easy sucker. I'm a glutton for punishment. I do it on purpose. I can't help it. It's who I am. It's what I do. And then, when my heart has been properly torn in half, I put on some music, cry a little, and then start all over again. Rinse and repeat.
I think you have to decide to let him go. I don't know if its the best decision for him, but for you, certainly it is.
ReplyDeleteYou must understand that friendship and turn into love, but love can never be changed into friendship. You cannot be good friend of him with this frame of mind.
And that's been the hardest thing I've had to do; I think reading He's Just Not That Into You (which I decided to do after watching the movie) has really helped me realize this. That while he might have had some interest in me at one point, he doesn't anymore - as is clear by his behavior. If a guy is into you, he makes the effort to be with you - as is the case with my friend Sophia (and I'm quite jealous of it too).
ReplyDeleteBut I think you're right, you cannot have a true friendship from a love - while it is possible for some people, for the vast majority of us, it is not.