awful waste of space

one month ago, to the date, i wrote about how i was going to start on this big adventure.....well, i haven't.  yet.  oddly enough, this was not my fault - or anyone's for that matter - just unforeseeable circumstance.  we have since sat down and reevaluated and decided to start today - but then something came up.  i'm wondering if this is a sign.  am i not suppose to do this?  am i suppose to run as far, and as fast, away as i can?  or is this just another 'test' to make sure i'm ready for this.  to make sure that i can really do this and that i am really ready to do it.  i think that now that i've had so long to think about it, i am even more ready than i was before.  while most of the time, time is the enemy, this time it was an aid.  a helper.

so while i will technically be starting today with some very strict rules and a very strict teacher, i think that i will be stronger and more successful because of it.  i just hope i don't fail him, this program, or myself.  failing any of the three would be the worst.  and hopefully i'll become a better person as this goes on.

while he's giving me a journal, i think that i will need to keep a general journal, but i'm not sure where i'm going to want to keep it.  should i keep it in the same book?  should i find my own journal and continue there? should i buy a whole new book and go from there?  there are so many things i'm not sure of, you would think i wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning!  but, especially after starting to read eat, pray, love i seem to be understanding that it is alright to just let go and try and trust the universe.  like when i misplaced my bus pass this morning.  i freaked out for a few minutes and then i figured there was a reason for it, so i let go.  and then i found it on the bus stop bench.  it was like a mini test: can you completely let go and trust?  can you accept that you will not always be in control, that you will not always know things.  and this morning i responded: yes, yes i can.  and i did.  and i was rewarded with my overpriced bus pass.  now i guess the real test is to see if i can actually do this.  if i can succeed in something i have never truly done before.

i was just handed the journal a few seconds ago, so the journey has begun.  the game is afoot.  the gun has been fired.  time to hit the ground running and go for it.  here goes nothing!!