hello darkness my old friend

I really need someone I can talk to who really gets/understands me. I have a handful of people that I talk to about different things, but no one who really gets me. I am trying this new thing with one of my friends where I am completely honest in every respect. If Gabriel asks me something, I will say the truth. No thinking about how to reword things or how to say it better. I just say the first thing that pops in my head. The problem with placing this kind of trust in someone, with opening up yourself completely, is that you are more raw, more susceptible to get hurt. To get your heart damaged - if not broken. And I do not think Gabriel realised the box that was opened up when he started this journey with me; and what is worse? I thought that of all the people in my life, Gabriel would be the best person to do this honestly thing with (along with other things). I figured if he was willing to tell me that he realised that I had a weight problem, and if I was willing to commit to it, he would help me; but I had to swear that I would commit to this fully for a year. And if in a year I managed to lose 100 pounds (or, as Sophia pointed out, 7 stones) then he'll buy me a pretty dress and take me out dancing; and he gets to find out if the program he's created actually works for other people. The problem is, I think he expects more from me than he thinks he does (yeah, I know that technically doesn't make sense, but it kind of does); and then, when I start to lose control and I need someone to rely on, someone to talk to he is not all there. I feel like I am bothering him. I pretend to be a very confident, self-assured young lady, but really it is all just a front. I can act that way because I know that no one is really looking at me, so I can do whatever I want. It is when people (or in this case) a person pays attention to me, and makes me think about everything I do, every action I take, that my true colors show. I tried to talk to Gabriel about some of this, but I do not think he was getting it. I do understand that he has his own life, that he is not my personal Jillian (I kinda want one though), but when I give you the level of commitment that I have (something I have never, ever done), I think that it should also be understood that you will have to hold my hand with somethings. I will try and handle as much on my own as possible, but sometimes I do need help. And when I ask for it, that means I am close to desperate. I tend not to ask for assistants or guidance when it comes to my own insecurities, but when I do and you tell me I am obsessed and then do not say anything else that is no bueno nacho! I am sorry that I am so socially retarded, but it is who I am. The fact that I have trusted you with anything from that part of my high school life (and some after) is a big deal; and it also means I want to be able to talk with you about it. Have a two way conversation that is as free of judgement as possible. Not a me coming to you for help/guidance. and you basically brushing me off. I hate this. I hate that I am not a stronger person. I hate that I am not more ready for life. I hate that I hide from the unknown. I hate that I look the way I do. I hate a lot of things about myself. But, after a few days, I realise it is not a bad as I thought and I try to move forward. I am an artist (or at least I like to think I am), I feel things differently; I express things differently. You cannot treat me the same as you would a general person, I do not work that way. One day I will be a Dora; hell I would even settle for a Faye, but I am tired of being a Hanners or a Marigold. They are awesome and amazing, but I want something new, something that fits better. Maybe, in a way, I am Evey, and this is my journey to not be afraid. I just hope I do not have to shave my head. ••••••••••••••••••••• "While the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth."