I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street. Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known.

I want to ask you, did it mean anything? Did you ever care?  What was it?  I get that it was forever ago, and that I could let go, but not this part of it.  Not the part where you make me think, make me believe, that it could have been something more.  Make me think that you might have wanted to give it an honest go this time.

Instead, I'm left with this tightness in my chest, this feeling of dread, this constant wondering.  I like to think that I am a smart, brilliant person, but I cannot seem to move past this.  I cannot seem to take a step forward.  I cannot do a thing.  I hate this.  I hate this with a fiery, burning passion.  But I cannot seem to do anything about it.

When I got close enough to do something, I folded.  I gave in and listened to that stupid voice in the back of my mind; I put my heart in it and gave it a shot.....instead, I got it handed back to me in pieces.  Again.

Now, everything I see that stupid thing pop up, my heart stops.  Will I get an IM?  What will it say? Or, is it just another false alarm?  Is it just another pop up that will just go away and then come back and rinse and repeat?

I should just take it off, delete it; but I cannot.  I cannot fully admit to that enough to get rid of it.  I wish Gabe would push me a little further, would make me realise and admit to all that this is.  I wish he didn't give up on me.  I wish that we could just talk, face to face.  Maybe then, I would be able to ACTUALLY face this shit.

But I guess not....I guess I will just continue on this horrid, tortured path until something comes along....I just wish it would hurry it's ass up.  I'm so tired of this, I really am.  One day, some day...


[EDIT] instead, i spend the night watching you sign on and then sign off.....listening to taylor swift sing about my heart break