you found me

Elle hates me.  she says it's only for right now, so she can distance herself - so it doesn't hurt when i leave.  but it will hurt.  it will hurt her and it will hurt me.  she has been the person i've shared so much with over the last almost 21 years.  she has been the person that i've lived with continuously since the day she was born.

i wonder if she realizes how difficult this is for me too?  if she even stops to think about how much change this is?    Yeah, sure, i have someone who WANTS to live with me, but that took work.  It was not one of those things that just kind of happened or that I put an ad out for.  it took time, effort, energy, money, work, and love (and a quite a few moments of sharing intimacies that only a few know - some that only ourselves know).

we are trying to get her a place first - it's not like i am just going to leave her all by her lonesome.  it's not like i'm just going to leave her all of a sudden.  this WILL be a progression (even though Jo needs to get out of her house asap).  i wish, above all things, that we could find her some roommates that she could really thrive with; but i would settle for living one building over from her.

i hate this.  i hate this.  i hate this.

and then, as if that is not enough, i have other stuff i'm trying to work through.  i think i liked living in my i-refuse-to-actually-grow-up bubble; where i could still be an adolescent.  where i didn't have to look past the surface of anything.  where i could just drift through life.

but that was the problem in the first place, wasn't it?  a vicious circle life is...